Day Thirty Three

In an attempt to move forward, I told my brain that I wanted nothing to do with its awful thoughts today.  I wanted peace for just one day.  We went to a fair and had a great time, he was perfect, doing everything he should.  We joked, we held hands and we had a nice time with the family.  Once we completely exhausted our kids, we went home to change and went out with close friends while the kids had a sitter.  We arrived early to the bar and had a drink together, gaining a little liquid courage to face our good friends for the first time since this all rocked my world.  They knew everything.  They arrived and we all acted like nothing happened, we slipped into the same old routine of drinking and eating and had a wonderful time.  I just wish this never happened.  We had such a great life before this, with the exception of a brief period of disconnection.  Everything could have been so amazing forever had he not done this to me.  We could have gotten through our “disconnection” just by reconnecting like we had tonight, but it couldn’t have happened with her around.  Now, I am drunk and so scared of the future.  So scared that he will do this again and so scared that I wont be able to forgive him or trust him.