Search This Blog

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Days Ninety Two-One Hundred

Well, this past week has been quite the whirlwind... not in terms of the affair, but in life in general.  I finally got my laptop back (it was being repaired) and instead of retyping all of my entries that I have hand written everday (I dont know if I have the time with two kids to care for and a house to keep up!), I thought I would give a brief description of the past week in one post. 

On day ninety two, my mother in law came to stay with us for the first time since her visit just one day after my second D Day... it was so hard to have her here as her presence brought back so many emotions from those first few weeks.  She was here the day I left for my solo visit to Washington after I discovered that my husband was still talking to the yogurt whore two weeks after I found out about the affair.  She came to my house and saw it in complete disaray (which is rare for me!).  She heard my four year old tell her that mommy told daddy to get out of the house.  Her son told her he cheated while I was in Washington trying to figure out what to do.  All of this flooded my brain as I picked her up that afternoon.  As her visit went on, I faded in and out of silence, just trying to get through it.  I had moments of sadness that I had to hide, for fear of telling her all of the things I was sure she didnt know... he introduced her grandchildren to his slutty girlfriend, he gave up precious time with them to be with her, he broke my heart so much that I have only recently been able to get back to keeping up the house and spending quality time with my children (which is all very important to her, as she was a stay home mom herself).  We tried to stay busy and I tried to keep a smile on my face, but the comments about my weight and appetite kept flying out of her mouth, constantly reminding me why I cant eat and why I look so frail.  She meant well, but slowly ate away at me for the seven days that she was here.  My husband took some time off work to spend with us and that brought me some comfort, but as soon as he returned to work yesterday I felt it all again and she kept on with her comments.  "Youre so thin."  "Are you sure you dont want to eat some more?" "Are you losing weight on purpose?" Ugh.

The best part of her visit was the overnight date my husband and I had this past weekend.  He planned it all out... dinner at a great restaurant then a comedy show followed by a hotel stay at a nice, hip hotel downtown and finished off with a wonderful breakfast the next morning.  We had a blast!  Dinner was filled with great food and even greater conversation, the comedy show was hilarious and the drinks we had after were fun and flirty, making for quite the amazing night in the hotel, where we stayed up late in the throws of passion.  We awoke the next morning with even more passion, a shower and a nice breakfast... just the two of us.  Its been over two years since we have done anything like that and it was almost magical, had it not been for the horrible images of his passionate hotel nights with her.  I feel like this will never go away. 

My mother in law left this morning, leaving me to take a deep breath and feel all of the emotions I hid while she was here.  I cried as the car pulled away, finally able to really let this all out.  I am still in such shock that this is all happening to me.  That he did this to me.  To us.  Hiding it has been so difficult, mainly because I wanted her to see what her son did to me, but I also didnt want to relive it.  I didnt want to drag any other innocent parties into this mess. While her and my husband were alone running errands one afternoon, she asked him how everything was going between us.  He was honest and said that we still had a long road ahead of us and she said "well, she seems to be doing great, but I see it in her eyes that she is hurt."  So true.  She also said that she was nervous about her trip as well and has been pleased that we both pretended like it never happened.  That pissed me off, for some reason, so I casually brought it up a few times.  Once I referenced my sisters last trip here, stating that "everything was such a disaster here, she wasnt able to fully enjoy her visit" and "she was ready to move here to help me since I was planning on leaving your son."  Then, I mentioned that moving wasnt in the cards of us, "unless it didnt work out between us."  I also told her that I wasnt going to move for him again, as I had done it so many times before and "we both know how he decided to treat me." 

Was it a little much?  Probably.  But, I just couldnt let her go home without knowing that I wasnt going to always pretend like this didnt happen.  This is part of my life now, and I know its not her fault but I want her to know that (1) if we dont make it through this, its becuase of what he did and I tried to get past it and (2) if we do make it through this, how strong I am and how much pain I had to overcome. 

Now, she is gone and I hope to get back to the place I was before she arrived.  I was getting stronger, feeling more in control of myself and ready to work it out with him.  I hope that the flood of memories did not set me back... I need forward movement.  I need hope for the future.