A letter to him...

This morning I started thinking, again, of all the things that have made me sad, angry, hurt, etc and started drafting a letter to him.  I dont know that I will ever give it to him, as I am afraid its too mean to be anything that could help our broken little marriage.  If our marriage ends, then he may get it... we will have to see.

"Because of you I feel anger more than ever.  Whether it be in flashes of hatred towards her, moments of anger towards you or long lasting periods where everything pisses me off, I have never been filled with so much of it.  Because of you, I have had brief moments where I resent my kids a little... without them I would have walked away months ago and not dealt with the shit you have handed me.  Because of you I feel unsatisfied with myself and the person I am becoming.  As a young girl, I dreamed of a wonderful, fulfilled life overflowing with love and successes... success not so much in the career or monetary sense, but in the small accomplishments that shape our lives.  Now, I am living a life I should not be living, I have become a person I never should have been, am settling for a man who doesnt even know if he can ever me or anyone else, and feel completely unsuccessful with most everything in my life.  Because of you I left my friends and family several states away so you could spend more time with our family.  You chose to spend that time with someone else and I am stuck in a place I loathe, in a house I dont want and a city that doesnt contain all of the caring, wonderful people that await me back home.  Because of you I have lost myself.  I dont even know who I am and cannot control my crazy.  Because of you I have spent less time with our children and more time on the internet trying to track your every move, obsessing over cell phone records and credit card receipts to make sure you are not still in a relationship with Cassie the Yogurt Whore.  Because of you I am embarrassed of my life.  I have not shared the details of your disgusting series of acts with many that are close to me because I am so embarrassed that I have allowed you to stay in my life and cannot imagine being able to stand on my own two feet without you.  Because of you I feel weak.  I should be able to handle my life without you in it, but your lies have forced me to question everything I have ever felt about myself and my ability to live this life without you.  Because of you I feel like I am letting our beautiful daughter down by allowing her to see me staying in a relationship that only hurts me.  Because of you I am sick.  I can no longer eat enough to maintain a healthy body weight, using food as the only thing I can control in my life since you have showed me that I cannot control much else. I only eat when you are around, because when you arent my thoughts take over and my appetite ceases.  I dont want food anymore.  I only want the horrible overcaffeinated, jittery feeling in my stomach that I have grown used to.   Because of you, I only feel comforted when you are home, but not comforted enough.  The only comfort I find is that you are not with her.  Because of you I am ashamed and almost glad that my father is not alive to see the person I have become. 

Why did I let you do this?  Why am I allowing you to make me feel so worthless and weak and out of control? "

Day 101 - whatever...

I have finally stopped counting the days and writing regularly.  I cant bring myself to constantly post the same feelings and experiences, as it all is starting to resemble a cycle of some sort… good day, okay day, bad day, so on and so forth.  My pain is still here, although it disappears for longer periods of time these days and my crazy has subsided as well.  It’s not gone, but it seems as though I mostly repeat old crazies, which doesn’t compel me to write nearly as much.  

I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes.  I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office.  I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future. 

I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me.  He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve.  At least that means he didnt love her either, right?  He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart.  To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag.  All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful.  I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve.  I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him?  He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.”  He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through.   Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US.  I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start.  I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it.  I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs.  I realize that is nuts!  I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done.  I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality.  I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself.  He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.

For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having.  Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering.  I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family).  We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair.  Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough.  I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work.  I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me.  I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.

Here’s to hoping!