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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Separation - Day Nineteen

Well, Thanksgiving came and went.  It was a lonely day without him.  My sister came to visit to help me figure my life out and we had a simple Thanksgiving dinner with my children... complete with lots of pie and goodies, yet none of it filled the void that his absence created.  I tried to be in good spirits for my babies, but it was difficult.  I cant believe that he is choosing this, after everything we have been through. I cant imagine how lonely he is feeling... not that I pity him, I just dont understand why he would make a decision that seems so horrible for everyone.  I feel so lost and unsure of everything in my future.

We still haven't told the kids or most of our family members.  He is not certain he wants to tell anyone just yet, which brings me a little hope that he wants to reconcile but its so hard to tell what he wants... he doesn't even know.  I am trying to not be too hopeful for a future together, but I cant help it.  I want to prepare myself for the worse, but I cant help but wish and pray for our family to be together again.  I try to imagine sharing my life with another person, but it seems so impossible.  I am so tired and anxious and sad and angry and lonely.  I just want to feel normal again.  I suppose if you truly love someone, you wouldn't put them through this shit.  Maybe he just doesn't love me.  Why cant I just believe that and move on?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Separation - Day Eight

He found an apartment, its ready this weekend and we have started discussing which pieces of furniture we purchased together to go under one roof will now be split between two.  This is all so surreal.  I still don't understand why I am the one who was so painfully betrayed yet HE is the one who cant live with the decision HE made and is leaving ME.  I am asking God for clarity on this, but haven't been able to see the answer.  He is staying at our house this week while he prepares for the move, which is tremendously uncomfortable but at least I now know that he is not with the yogurt whore... she would let him stay with her.  He came to me saying he had nowhere to sleep, so I had to oblige.  Thankfully, I work every night this week so the time spent at home together in the massive discomfort will be short and he has promised to leave for work before I wake up.  My poor kids miss their dad so much.  They are used to breakfasts with him and days off spent at home.

I have no idea what to do or how to handle this.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Separation - Day Six

As much I long to write everyday, its impossible.  These past few days have been so hard and busy and crazy and complicated... ugh.  I have been working as much as possible, trying to give my kids some sense of normalcy and trying to figure out all this crap.  By nature, I am a do-er.  I take action.  As I have gone through the last six days I can do nothing but think about ALL of the action that needs to be taken... pack the house, separate our belongings, sell the house, find a new house, save money, work more, etc, etc.  So, being the action taker that I am, I purchased plastic bins for clothing, gathered boxes, started cleaning out closets and filled my car with items to go to the Goodwill.  Boxes for him, boxes for me. This was a mistake... as I was knee deep in the proof of our life together, I couldn't help but sob as I packed away his old beach towels from the stadium he worked at years ago, his bobble head collection, DVD's and video games that he loves, and so on.  His clothes are still in our closet while he is staying at a hotel and all I want to do is rip them from their hangers and hold them close to me.  His cologne is gone and, thus, so is the smell that remains when he leaves for work in the morning.  A smell I am longing for.  My children seem unscathed thus far, but that will change as soon as they realize he may not be coming home... ever.

We have had some pleasant conversations about the kids these past few days, but that just leaves me heartbroken when its over.  During the only conversation we had about us, he admitted that this is much harder than he thought and he does miss me, but his vision is cloudy as a result of the torrential storm we have been through since his affair.  I admitted to my own wrong doings over the past six months... making him feel worthless by constantly griping about how "I do everything around here", creating more guilt in him by blaming everything wrong in my life on his stupid affair and always holding him responsible for my leaving my family and my home.  The truth to it all is that I do acknowledge my role in this.  I am not to blame, but I havent been an angel.  While he was the one who cheated, I am the one who decided to stay and work it out and I have not been making anything easy on either of us. I, admittedly, have wanted him to feel shitty about it, over and over again.  We never stood a chance with that attitude from me.  There needs to be forgiveness on both sides and I have presented a major road block in that, of course he feels shitty... that's what I was trying to achieve!!  Well, be careful what you wish for.  Now he is gone, thinks we don't need or want him and is so filled with guilt that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to get through this and continue building this life together.

This conversation was helpful, though.  I told him that he did need to leave to figure it all out because he obviously wasnt going to do it here.  I told him I was going to stop begging him to come home and stop making him feel guilty for having left.  My role now is to move forward with my children while still hoping this all turns around in the future.  I know he may not ever come home and I am starting to accept that, but I am not giving up hope.  I believe that we can be great again.  This may all fade away as time goes on and I strongly believe that I will be just fine, regardless of the outcome.  My job is giving me strength, a distraction and an independence that I desperately needed throughout all of this.  My kids have been so well behaved and awesome this week, I cant begin to express the love I have for those two.

For now, I am trying to stop with the action until I am more ready for it.  The packing and planning and cleaning is all too much for me.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Separation - Day Two

This morning it hit me like a freight train.  He is leaving.  My face is swollen from crying, my bed is lonely since he  has been sleeping in the guest room and my house feels cold and sad.  He is making arrangements to stay at our friends hotel until he finds an apartment and we attempted to work out the new budget last night.

Before he left for work this morning, I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider.  I have all these plans in my head and I don't want to change them.  Our disneyland vacation next summer, his favorite pies and meals I was going to make, the Christmas morning surprises for our children... its all fading away.  I want this to all go away, I want him here.  I want him to want to be here.  He doesn't.   He wants to be "in love" and he doesn't know what that feels like.

To give you a little history on him and his issues with being "in love," he called off a wedding to a woman years ago after they had been together for five years because he wasn't in love with her, they had to turned into good friends.  He lost his father to cancer at ten years old and his mother never remarried, so he was never exposed to the workings of a functioning relationship.  His brother is married to a woman that nobody understands or sees how he can possibly love her, so my husband doesn't believe its true love.  He doesn't understand that the spark of love ebbs and flows as life changes and will always return, if you work to make it happen.  He doesn't get that being married to your best friend is what most people dream about, not the constant butterflies in your stomach love that fades as you become real people to each other.

I don't think he is in contact with the Cassie the yogurt whore, or anyone else for that matter.  He feels as though he has disappointed his family in an unforgivable way and told me he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself for it and he doesn't think he deserves it.  If he is in contact with her, then he is truly a monster and I will pack up my kids and head back home without his permission, because we all deserve someone better than that, but I feel confident that he is NOT that man.

Today hurts.  It feels real and its happening.  I want to crawl back into my giant sad bed and cry my eyes out, but I have to work and care for my children who do not deserve any of this.  That seems to be the theme of this blog... my children do not deserve this.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Separation - Day One

Well, it finally happened.  He told me last night that he wants to separate.  He thinks I am amazing, selfless and deserving of a man who can love me more than he does.  He is incapable of the love I need, he says.  He takes me for granted, he says. He thinks that leaving will put things in perspective for him. He may realize he does love me enough or at least has a desire to get to that point, working through his issues and all while being separated.  I called him a coward, told him how selfISH he is.  Who puts their kids through shit like this?!?!

Last night, I heard many of the things I have longed to hear from him... followed by the statement I never wanted to hear... "I love you. You are my best friend.  You are an amazing mother and one of the most selfless people I know. You do everything for us and you expect nothing in return but love... and I cant give you the love you deserve."  He said he has never been "in love" with anyone and doesn't even know what it looks or feels like.  I am different than other girls, obviously, but he still feels a void in his heart... a void he knows exists because of him and not me.

I am convinced that he thinks he is going to move out, realize how sad his life is without me and the kids in it and come back with all of these amazing feelings of butterflies and roses and all things sun-shiny.  He is so wrong and only I know it.  He will leave, I will be resentful then we will fight over the complications this will create (emotionally, financially, physically) and bitterness will set in over him making me leave my home many years ago for his career and him not allowing me to return now.  We will sell our house for less than what we paid in order to get out quickly, move our kids to an apartment or small rental home and his money hungryness will go into full effect, eventually forcing me to work full time and lose the time I get to spend with my kids. I already picked up a part time job at a drop in day care center so I can spend time with my kids AND make money, along with watching a friends baby two days a week... that money will now be used to pay for his apartment. My daughter starts kindergarten next year and will have to go to bed much earlier than she does now, often waiting up for him to get off work.  With him out of the house, he will lose so much time with her.  He will change the bond he has created with both of them.  He will change them forever.  My 3 year old son may never remember a time when daddy lived at home.

This morning, during snack time, my son asked if he could eat his raisins in "daddy's chair" at the kitchen table and I almost lost my shit thinking that daddy just gave up that seat at this table.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Six and a half months out

I cannot believe that its been 6 1/2 months since my heart was so brutally ripped out of my chest and violently stomped on... what a whirlwind.  Strangely, I don't think of the affair as often as I thought would at this point and my marriage has improved in certain areas.  We communicate better and are more honest with one another, our sex life is perfect, we enjoy each others company more and we make more efforts to remove the kids from our lives for short periods of time. I would have liked it if this improvement was brought on after a less traumatizing event, but if there is anything I have learned from all of this is that I cant live in the "what if"'s of life and I certainly cant continue to wish that things hadn't happened.  Had it not been for my LAST failed marriage, I may not have ever met my husband or had my children.  I am not so delusional that I am searching for a silver lining here, I am just realistic about our lives being mapped out by something greater than us and I am trying to roll with it the best I can.

My current situation is much less tumultuous.  The fighting and anger have subsided a lot and I am starting to feel that I can actually live a normal life.  I would have never thought I would be able to get to this point and I honestly didn't expect it to ever occur, but its almost here. I really thought that I would go through the motions of giving it a year and I would wind up walking away, but I am more certain that we can get through this together. I am still deathly afraid sometimes that he is still with her and I have a massive amount of anger towards her (I even posted a nasty anonymous comment about her yogurt stands sweet tea pickles at the Texas State Fair this year and sent a group of drunken girlfriends to her yogurt shop at Grapevine's Grapefest this year).  This, too, is slowly fading.  I still struggle with my appetite and smoking (a habit I happily quit when I was pregnant with my oldest 5 years ago and picked up again when my husband cheated), but that too is improving.  I haven't lost anymore weight, but am struggling to gain the few pounds I need to be healthy. 107 pounds at 5'5" looks much more sickly than I imagined it would!  I left my work at home job and got a part time position at a local playcare facility so I don't have to leave my kids but still bring in money (part of which I am hiding in case this does all go south).  Working outside my house has been a relief... it fills my days so I don't get stuck in my head so much and it gives me a sense of worth that I had been lacking.  I had never planned to be a stay home mom and I really think it changed me.  I needed to get back the working part of myself without compromising the precious time I have with my kids, especially with my daughter starting kindergarten next year.  My husband has seen a change in me as well, which has made this all easier on him.  I KNOW, it shouldn't be easy for him at all... but it has to get easier for everyone or we will never move past this.  He no longer feels like he ruined me, and that's important no matter what happens next.

He is a different story.  One night we went out for drinks for my birthday and the you-know-what hit the proverbial fan.  I really thought he was leaving.  He said he still didn't love me the way I deserve and was struggling with the feelings he was having.  He couldn't even bring himself to write me a card for my birthday, knowing how important that is to me.  I simply informed him that he loves me more than he thinks he does.  That sounds like a scene out of a B rated stalker film, but its true.  His dad died when he was 10 and his mother never attempted to remarry or date or anything... thus leaving a boy to never know what a real relationship looks like.  He thinks its butterflies and roses all the time.  Its not.  I come from a broken divorced home but still managed to spend a considerable amount of time with friends families to see what happens when love and life and kids collide to bring about an amazing friendship that can conquer anything thrown at it and still is attractive when naked, even after two kids.  THAT'S my idea of true love.  My best friend, my co-parent, my confidant and my lover... all rolled into one aging, adorable man who needs me as much as I need him.  He doesn't even know what he has and I am making it my mission to show him how great we can be together, even on the heels of HIS affair.  I deserve a fucking medal for this.  I am putting my own drama aside (which is much more selfish than it sounds) and focusing on him realizing how much he truly does love me.

Please don't stop reading my blog once you read that last statement.  I know it sounds ridiculous... I happen to be a very intelligent woman who loves her family more than anything and I have this weird little feeling in my gut that tells me that there is more to this relationship and I feel strongly about wanting to try to show him what love is.  I realize that I might very well be completely and totally unsuccessful in this, but its worth a shot.  I am at a point now that I KNOW I will be okay, no matter what.  I have seen a support system in my life that I never knew existed and I feel empowered... I know I can do this without him, but I am choosing to do this with him.  This is a choice and I reserve the right to change my mind and kick his ass to the curb if the need arises.

Since my birthday/epiphany things have been pretty great.  I stopped asking why he didn't kiss me as soon as he walked in the door, I stopped saying I love you all the time (realizing that I only said it to hear him reciprocate), I stopped bombarding him with my crazy as soon as it reared its ugly head and I started living my life for me and it has changed him too.  He is starting to see me as the capable, successful woman I was when we first met.  I feel powerful and amazing.   I want nothing more than to live my life with him, but I am going to be totally okay if he bails.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A letter to him...

This morning I started thinking, again, of all the things that have made me sad, angry, hurt, etc and started drafting a letter to him.  I dont know that I will ever give it to him, as I am afraid its too mean to be anything that could help our broken little marriage.  If our marriage ends, then he may get it... we will have to see.

"Because of you I feel anger more than ever.  Whether it be in flashes of hatred towards her, moments of anger towards you or long lasting periods where everything pisses me off, I have never been filled with so much of it.  Because of you, I have had brief moments where I resent my kids a little... without them I would have walked away months ago and not dealt with the shit you have handed me.  Because of you I feel unsatisfied with myself and the person I am becoming.  As a young girl, I dreamed of a wonderful, fulfilled life overflowing with love and successes... success not so much in the career or monetary sense, but in the small accomplishments that shape our lives.  Now, I am living a life I should not be living, I have become a person I never should have been, am settling for a man who doesnt even know if he can ever me or anyone else, and feel completely unsuccessful with most everything in my life.  Because of you I left my friends and family several states away so you could spend more time with our family.  You chose to spend that time with someone else and I am stuck in a place I loathe, in a house I dont want and a city that doesnt contain all of the caring, wonderful people that await me back home.  Because of you I have lost myself.  I dont even know who I am and cannot control my crazy.  Because of you I have spent less time with our children and more time on the internet trying to track your every move, obsessing over cell phone records and credit card receipts to make sure you are not still in a relationship with Cassie the Yogurt Whore.  Because of you I am embarrassed of my life.  I have not shared the details of your disgusting series of acts with many that are close to me because I am so embarrassed that I have allowed you to stay in my life and cannot imagine being able to stand on my own two feet without you.  Because of you I feel weak.  I should be able to handle my life without you in it, but your lies have forced me to question everything I have ever felt about myself and my ability to live this life without you.  Because of you I feel like I am letting our beautiful daughter down by allowing her to see me staying in a relationship that only hurts me.  Because of you I am sick.  I can no longer eat enough to maintain a healthy body weight, using food as the only thing I can control in my life since you have showed me that I cannot control much else. I only eat when you are around, because when you arent my thoughts take over and my appetite ceases.  I dont want food anymore.  I only want the horrible overcaffeinated, jittery feeling in my stomach that I have grown used to.   Because of you, I only feel comforted when you are home, but not comforted enough.  The only comfort I find is that you are not with her.  Because of you I am ashamed and almost glad that my father is not alive to see the person I have become. 

Why did I let you do this?  Why am I allowing you to make me feel so worthless and weak and out of control? "