Separation - Day One

Well, it finally happened.  He told me last night that he wants to separate.  He thinks I am amazing, selfless and deserving of a man who can love me more than he does.  He is incapable of the love I need, he says.  He takes me for granted, he says. He thinks that leaving will put things in perspective for him. He may realize he does love me enough or at least has a desire to get to that point, working through his issues and all while being separated.  I called him a coward, told him how selfISH he is.  Who puts their kids through shit like this?!?!

Last night, I heard many of the things I have longed to hear from him... followed by the statement I never wanted to hear... "I love you. You are my best friend.  You are an amazing mother and one of the most selfless people I know. You do everything for us and you expect nothing in return but love... and I cant give you the love you deserve."  He said he has never been "in love" with anyone and doesn't even know what it looks or feels like.  I am different than other girls, obviously, but he still feels a void in his heart... a void he knows exists because of him and not me.

I am convinced that he thinks he is going to move out, realize how sad his life is without me and the kids in it and come back with all of these amazing feelings of butterflies and roses and all things sun-shiny.  He is so wrong and only I know it.  He will leave, I will be resentful then we will fight over the complications this will create (emotionally, financially, physically) and bitterness will set in over him making me leave my home many years ago for his career and him not allowing me to return now.  We will sell our house for less than what we paid in order to get out quickly, move our kids to an apartment or small rental home and his money hungryness will go into full effect, eventually forcing me to work full time and lose the time I get to spend with my kids. I already picked up a part time job at a drop in day care center so I can spend time with my kids AND make money, along with watching a friends baby two days a week... that money will now be used to pay for his apartment. My daughter starts kindergarten next year and will have to go to bed much earlier than she does now, often waiting up for him to get off work.  With him out of the house, he will lose so much time with her.  He will change the bond he has created with both of them.  He will change them forever.  My 3 year old son may never remember a time when daddy lived at home.

This morning, during snack time, my son asked if he could eat his raisins in "daddy's chair" at the kitchen table and I almost lost my shit thinking that daddy just gave up that seat at this table.