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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Six and a half months out

I cannot believe that its been 6 1/2 months since my heart was so brutally ripped out of my chest and violently stomped on... what a whirlwind.  Strangely, I don't think of the affair as often as I thought would at this point and my marriage has improved in certain areas.  We communicate better and are more honest with one another, our sex life is perfect, we enjoy each others company more and we make more efforts to remove the kids from our lives for short periods of time. I would have liked it if this improvement was brought on after a less traumatizing event, but if there is anything I have learned from all of this is that I cant live in the "what if"'s of life and I certainly cant continue to wish that things hadn't happened.  Had it not been for my LAST failed marriage, I may not have ever met my husband or had my children.  I am not so delusional that I am searching for a silver lining here, I am just realistic about our lives being mapped out by something greater than us and I am trying to roll with it the best I can.

My current situation is much less tumultuous.  The fighting and anger have subsided a lot and I am starting to feel that I can actually live a normal life.  I would have never thought I would be able to get to this point and I honestly didn't expect it to ever occur, but its almost here. I really thought that I would go through the motions of giving it a year and I would wind up walking away, but I am more certain that we can get through this together. I am still deathly afraid sometimes that he is still with her and I have a massive amount of anger towards her (I even posted a nasty anonymous comment about her yogurt stands sweet tea pickles at the Texas State Fair this year and sent a group of drunken girlfriends to her yogurt shop at Grapevine's Grapefest this year).  This, too, is slowly fading.  I still struggle with my appetite and smoking (a habit I happily quit when I was pregnant with my oldest 5 years ago and picked up again when my husband cheated), but that too is improving.  I haven't lost anymore weight, but am struggling to gain the few pounds I need to be healthy. 107 pounds at 5'5" looks much more sickly than I imagined it would!  I left my work at home job and got a part time position at a local playcare facility so I don't have to leave my kids but still bring in money (part of which I am hiding in case this does all go south).  Working outside my house has been a relief... it fills my days so I don't get stuck in my head so much and it gives me a sense of worth that I had been lacking.  I had never planned to be a stay home mom and I really think it changed me.  I needed to get back the working part of myself without compromising the precious time I have with my kids, especially with my daughter starting kindergarten next year.  My husband has seen a change in me as well, which has made this all easier on him.  I KNOW, it shouldn't be easy for him at all... but it has to get easier for everyone or we will never move past this.  He no longer feels like he ruined me, and that's important no matter what happens next.

He is a different story.  One night we went out for drinks for my birthday and the you-know-what hit the proverbial fan.  I really thought he was leaving.  He said he still didn't love me the way I deserve and was struggling with the feelings he was having.  He couldn't even bring himself to write me a card for my birthday, knowing how important that is to me.  I simply informed him that he loves me more than he thinks he does.  That sounds like a scene out of a B rated stalker film, but its true.  His dad died when he was 10 and his mother never attempted to remarry or date or anything... thus leaving a boy to never know what a real relationship looks like.  He thinks its butterflies and roses all the time.  Its not.  I come from a broken divorced home but still managed to spend a considerable amount of time with friends families to see what happens when love and life and kids collide to bring about an amazing friendship that can conquer anything thrown at it and still is attractive when naked, even after two kids.  THAT'S my idea of true love.  My best friend, my co-parent, my confidant and my lover... all rolled into one aging, adorable man who needs me as much as I need him.  He doesn't even know what he has and I am making it my mission to show him how great we can be together, even on the heels of HIS affair.  I deserve a fucking medal for this.  I am putting my own drama aside (which is much more selfish than it sounds) and focusing on him realizing how much he truly does love me.

Please don't stop reading my blog once you read that last statement.  I know it sounds ridiculous... I happen to be a very intelligent woman who loves her family more than anything and I have this weird little feeling in my gut that tells me that there is more to this relationship and I feel strongly about wanting to try to show him what love is.  I realize that I might very well be completely and totally unsuccessful in this, but its worth a shot.  I am at a point now that I KNOW I will be okay, no matter what.  I have seen a support system in my life that I never knew existed and I feel empowered... I know I can do this without him, but I am choosing to do this with him.  This is a choice and I reserve the right to change my mind and kick his ass to the curb if the need arises.

Since my birthday/epiphany things have been pretty great.  I stopped asking why he didn't kiss me as soon as he walked in the door, I stopped saying I love you all the time (realizing that I only said it to hear him reciprocate), I stopped bombarding him with my crazy as soon as it reared its ugly head and I started living my life for me and it has changed him too.  He is starting to see me as the capable, successful woman I was when we first met.  I feel powerful and amazing.   I want nothing more than to live my life with him, but I am going to be totally okay if he bails.

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