This morning I started thinking, again, of all the things that have made me sad, angry, hurt, etc and started drafting a letter to him. I dont know that I will ever give it to him, as I am afraid its too mean to be anything that could help our broken little marriage. If our marriage ends, then he may get it... we will have to see.
"Because of you I feel anger more than ever. Whether it be in flashes of hatred towards her, moments of anger towards you or long lasting periods where everything pisses me off, I have never been filled with so much of it. Because of you, I have had brief moments where I resent my kids a little... without them I would have walked away months ago and not dealt with the shit you have handed me. Because of you I feel unsatisfied with myself and the person I am becoming. As a young girl, I dreamed of a wonderful, fulfilled life overflowing with love and successes... success not so much in the career or monetary sense, but in the small accomplishments that shape our lives. Now, I am living a life I should not be living, I have become a person I never should have been, am settling for a man who doesnt even know if he can ever me or anyone else, and feel completely unsuccessful with most everything in my life. Because of you I left my friends and family several states away so you could spend more time with our family. You chose to spend that time with someone else and I am stuck in a place I loathe, in a house I dont want and a city that doesnt contain all of the caring, wonderful people that await me back home. Because of you I have lost myself. I dont even know who I am and cannot control my crazy. Because of you I have spent less time with our children and more time on the internet trying to track your every move, obsessing over cell phone records and credit card receipts to make sure you are not still in a relationship with Cassie the Yogurt Whore. Because of you I am embarrassed of my life. I have not shared the details of your disgusting series of acts with many that are close to me because I am so embarrassed that I have allowed you to stay in my life and cannot imagine being able to stand on my own two feet without you. Because of you I feel weak. I should be able to handle my life without you in it, but your lies have forced me to question everything I have ever felt about myself and my ability to live this life without you. Because of you I feel like I am letting our beautiful daughter down by allowing her to see me staying in a relationship that only hurts me. Because of you I am sick. I can no longer eat enough to maintain a healthy body weight, using food as the only thing I can control in my life since you have showed me that I cannot control much else. I only eat when you are around, because when you arent my thoughts take over and my appetite ceases. I dont want food anymore. I only want the horrible overcaffeinated, jittery feeling in my stomach that I have grown used to. Because of you, I only feel comforted when you are home, but not comforted enough. The only comfort I find is that you are not with her. Because of you I am ashamed and almost glad that my father is not alive to see the person I have become.
Why did I let you do this? Why am I allowing you to make me feel so worthless and weak and out of control? "
I also have been changed because of the affairs. I have become a bitter and mean person. I've never felt such rage. I hope you're doing OK. I'm about 9 months out. It's better, but it still sucks.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Margy
I found your blog this morning and read the whole thing from horrible start to hopeful finish. I have almost the same Dday as you, along with some new information about some circumstances several years ago. It was so nice to read your posts and realize that I'm not a total nutjob for feeling some of the things I have felt and thinking and doing some of the things I've done (internet stalking, etc). I have this sick need for information as well and then instantly wish that I didn't know what I just found out or made him tell me, ick. I'm glad that you have some family support...I have no one to talk to and that is very difficult. The things I struggle with most lately are trusting him and the fact that I hate the person I have become. I used to be so secure and was never that snooping, paranoid, keeping track of my boyfriend/husband type of person. And that is what I have been reduced to, and I can't stand it. I am trying to "take back my life" as I call it and stop letting these other women have any power over my future with my husband (hopefully) and our three children. I hope things are well as can be with you and I am going to add your blog to my favorites and check back for more posts.
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