I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes. I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office. I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future.
I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me. He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve. At least that means he didnt love her either, right? He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart. To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag. All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful. I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve. I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him? He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.” He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through. Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US. I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start. I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it. I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs. I realize that is nuts! I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done. I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality. I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself. He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.
For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having. Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering. I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family). We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair. Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough. I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work. I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me. I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.
Here’s to hoping!
No comments:
Post a Comment