As much I long to write everyday, its impossible. These past few days have been so hard and busy and crazy and complicated... ugh. I have been working as much as possible, trying to give my kids some sense of normalcy and trying to figure out all this crap. By nature, I am a do-er. I take action. As I have gone through the last six days I can do nothing but think about ALL of the action that needs to be taken... pack the house, separate our belongings, sell the house, find a new house, save money, work more, etc, etc. So, being the action taker that I am, I purchased plastic bins for clothing, gathered boxes, started cleaning out closets and filled my car with items to go to the Goodwill. Boxes for him, boxes for me. This was a mistake... as I was knee deep in the proof of our life together, I couldn't help but sob as I packed away his old beach towels from the stadium he worked at years ago, his bobble head collection, DVD's and video games that he loves, and so on. His clothes are still in our closet while he is staying at a hotel and all I want to do is rip them from their hangers and hold them close to me. His cologne is gone and, thus, so is the smell that remains when he leaves for work in the morning. A smell I am longing for. My children seem unscathed thus far, but that will change as soon as they realize he may not be coming home... ever.
We have had some pleasant conversations about the kids these past few days, but that just leaves me heartbroken when its over. During the only conversation we had about us, he admitted that this is much harder than he thought and he does miss me, but his vision is cloudy as a result of the torrential storm we have been through since his affair. I admitted to my own wrong doings over the past six months... making him feel worthless by constantly griping about how "I do everything around here", creating more guilt in him by blaming everything wrong in my life on his stupid affair and always holding him responsible for my leaving my family and my home. The truth to it all is that I do acknowledge my role in this. I am not to blame, but I havent been an angel. While he was the one who cheated, I am the one who decided to stay and work it out and I have not been making anything easy on either of us. I, admittedly, have wanted him to feel shitty about it, over and over again. We never stood a chance with that attitude from me. There needs to be forgiveness on both sides and I have presented a major road block in that, of course he feels shitty... that's what I was trying to achieve!! Well, be careful what you wish for. Now he is gone, thinks we don't need or want him and is so filled with guilt that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to get through this and continue building this life together.
This conversation was helpful, though. I told him that he did need to leave to figure it all out because he obviously wasnt going to do it here. I told him I was going to stop begging him to come home and stop making him feel guilty for having left. My role now is to move forward with my children while still hoping this all turns around in the future. I know he may not ever come home and I am starting to accept that, but I am not giving up hope. I believe that we can be great again. This may all fade away as time goes on and I strongly believe that I will be just fine, regardless of the outcome. My job is giving me strength, a distraction and an independence that I desperately needed throughout all of this. My kids have been so well behaved and awesome this week, I cant begin to express the love I have for those two.
For now, I am trying to stop with the action until I am more ready for it. The packing and planning and cleaning is all too much for me.
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