Separation - Day Two

This morning it hit me like a freight train.  He is leaving.  My face is swollen from crying, my bed is lonely since he  has been sleeping in the guest room and my house feels cold and sad.  He is making arrangements to stay at our friends hotel until he finds an apartment and we attempted to work out the new budget last night.

Before he left for work this morning, I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider.  I have all these plans in my head and I don't want to change them.  Our disneyland vacation next summer, his favorite pies and meals I was going to make, the Christmas morning surprises for our children... its all fading away.  I want this to all go away, I want him here.  I want him to want to be here.  He doesn't.   He wants to be "in love" and he doesn't know what that feels like.

To give you a little history on him and his issues with being "in love," he called off a wedding to a woman years ago after they had been together for five years because he wasn't in love with her, they had to turned into good friends.  He lost his father to cancer at ten years old and his mother never remarried, so he was never exposed to the workings of a functioning relationship.  His brother is married to a woman that nobody understands or sees how he can possibly love her, so my husband doesn't believe its true love.  He doesn't understand that the spark of love ebbs and flows as life changes and will always return, if you work to make it happen.  He doesn't get that being married to your best friend is what most people dream about, not the constant butterflies in your stomach love that fades as you become real people to each other.

I don't think he is in contact with the Cassie the yogurt whore, or anyone else for that matter.  He feels as though he has disappointed his family in an unforgivable way and told me he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself for it and he doesn't think he deserves it.  If he is in contact with her, then he is truly a monster and I will pack up my kids and head back home without his permission, because we all deserve someone better than that, but I feel confident that he is NOT that man.

Today hurts.  It feels real and its happening.  I want to crawl back into my giant sad bed and cry my eyes out, but I have to work and care for my children who do not deserve any of this.  That seems to be the theme of this blog... my children do not deserve this.