Day Fourty Three

Spent the whole day in and out of anger and sadness…

While we were in the middle of intense foreplay I looked at him, his eyes closed and his face showing pleasure and my mind went crazy.  I had flashes of the two of them together, then quick flashes of the two of us.  It was like a scene in a movie, where distorted visions quickly appeared on the screen with angry music playing and harsh images… I saw them naked, together and could actually here the moaning and groaning of sexual satisfaction.  I could hear him telling HER how good it felt, how badly he wanted her and, at the same time, I could see myself at home with our children wondering why he had been so distant, working out and wearing more makeup to be more attractive to him, working around the clock to clean, make his favorite meals and do anything I could to reach out to him, to get him back.  I wondered why his eyes were closed right now, was he thinking about her?  Is this what his face looked like when they were together?  Did she satisfy him more?  Had they lied naked on her couch together, her hand on him and his hands in her like we were laying at this moment?  I couldn’t take it anymore and my body pulled away from him without my even controlling it.  “I cant do this!” I screamed, not even knowing how angry and hurt I was feeling until the words left my mouth.  I lay silently against him, he held me and nobody said a word.  I covered my face, to try to prevent my head from seeing these awful images… these were the most realistic I had seen throughout the past 43 days.  I hate him so much some times, but I have never loved anyone more.  It was several minutes before a sound or movement occurred.  “Please, don’t hurt me ever again” I pleaded.  He responded with “Never again, I promise.”  I wish I believed him.