Day Fifty Five

Started the day by sleeping in for the first time in four years… it was amazing.  He went for a run and I made the kids pancakes, excited about the extra day off he had taken.  We had plans, projects to do and lots of time to do them in.  The morning was great.  As we prepared to return our long overdue items to the library, he sent me hunting through his laptop bag to find the missing movie… that’s when I found a receipt for a book she purchased him (dated over two months ago) and a CD title Disc 2 that was filled with songs that we hadn’t downloaded.  I asked about the CD, as non-attacking as I could.  “This CD was floating around in your bag… is it important?  Its going to get ruined” “No, its fine” with a worried look on his face.  “What is it?” I asked.  “Just a CD with songs on it.” Liar.  He knew the question I was asking and he is still trying to cover shit up.  I was furious, broke the CD and we got into a huge fight.  He doesn’t understand the term FULL TRANPSARENCY.  He is trying to protect himself, not me.  His first instinct is to lie, to cover something up.  How can I ever trust him again when he cant even be honest about a stupid CD?!?!?!  Its not just the CD, it’s the fact that I had asked a few weeks ago if there had ever been any gifts between them and had she ever bought him anything.  He said no.  There were 2 CD’s and a book that I knew of now.  He doesn’t know how to fess up to anything.  He can be such a coward.

As the fight went on, I realized that there was no going back.  He said it and I felt it… The weekend was ruined.  He would rather be at work than at home defending every action, being attacked and punished.  He was right.  Moving on was going forward, not staying in one spot dissecting every moment of a past painful mistake.   I decided to shove as much of it into the back of my mind as possible and try to go on with the weekend.  This could be our last weekend together for a while, as his job is getting into its busy season, and I want it to be great.

We did a little shopping, had a nice lunch then came home and had a lovely dinner that he prepared on the bbq.  It was a nice day, once we recovered from the morning.  I can do this.