We went to his brothers house and let the kids all play themselves to sleep. We visited with family and he was so tired after it all that he asked me to make the hour drive home. There was little time to contemplate our relationship throughout the day, which was a nice break, but once everyone fell asleep in the car my mind decided to play catch up. It was racing with reminders of everything, with emotions in all different directions and endless possibilities… do I stay and work it out? Do I leave and find myself a man that will ALWAYS love me enough to not do this to me? Can I watch him fall in love with someone else? Is that why I am staying, because I don’t want him with anyone else? There were moments in the car that I wanted to slap him across the face and kick him out on the highway, followed by moments where I wanted him to wake up and hold me like he had the other night.
All this crazy is exhausting me. My house is not as clean as it usually is, my kids are more neglected than ever and if I am not writing on this blog or on one of support websites, then I am thinking about the affair in several other ways. This has officially and totally consumed just about every part of me. 57 days out and it seems like its getting worse.
When we got home, he put the kids to bed while I got ready for bed. I checked his phone and saw that he was copied on an email from her that stated that she would be at his work the following day to set up something for the upcoming event. I decided I wanted to be there too. I told him that our moms club was heading to the zoo the next day and asked if we could stop in for lunch. He was excited, said “of course!” In a weird way, I was hoping he would try to stop me, say he was busy or something. I wanted to catch him in something, but I didn’t know what. I am so used to feeling suspicious that I don’t know how to react when he does something to remove that suspicion.
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