Day Fifty Four

Today, I got a “hows your day?” call, several text messages AND a proposition for a date night!  He suggested taking the kids to playcare and going out to dinner, but didn’t know where.  We decided to take the day to think about it… I quickly scheduled a shower and hair drying session in my day and got to work getting the kids excited about playcare.  A few hours later, I get another call suggesting that we take the kids to the horse races for one last time before the season ended.  I wish he would have wanted to have a date with me more than he wanted to do this, but I was also excited about the races.

The night was good, he seemed a little distant but I knew he was tired.  As we drank a few beers I started to feel crazy and kept asking if he was okay, pouting that he wasn’t really paying any attention to me.  We were picnicking on the grass, the kids were enjoying themselves with other children and he was focusing more on the races and watching the kids than on spending time with me.  While I know this is totally normal for a family outing, it still made me crazy.  On the way home we started talking about it (well, I started talking about it) and he said I needed to move on from it all.  WE needed to move on.  I tried to explain that it was difficult when he was distant and that everytime he seems that way I wonder if hes thinking about her or the affair or some other girl.  He then said to me “I’ve moved on. I only think about it when you bring it up” after I told him I think about it all the time and I cant figure out why he seemed so unscathed by it all.  That sent me into tears, silently crying as my kids fell asleep in the back seat.  Of course, he was his usual self… looking straight ahead and appearing to pretend that I wasn’t there.  It just made me feel more crazy.  What is he thinking?  Why wont he tell me?  I have this picture of him in my head thinking to himself “why wont she just let it go?  Why is she so dramatic?  Jeese… just STOP crying you pathetic idiot!”  I wish I knew what was in his head.

After putting the kids to bed we talked… again.  It seems to be all we do anymore.  Sitting on the couch, him talking a little, me talking a lot and lots of crying (for me).  I broke down, a ball on the floor… “why did you do this to me?” I wept over and over.  He finally got up, came over to me and held me while I cried.  He eased my crazy for a moment and I began to feel so safe while in his arms.  Why doesn’t he understand that I need to be in those arms?  I need him to make me feel safe and warm and loved and he just clams up, unable to move and unable to comfort me until I am on the verge of leaving, then he springs into action. I wish he knew that had he done that hours ago, when I first showed signs of crazy, we could have salvaged the evening.