Fathers Day... how do I celebrate him as a father when I am doubting him as one so much right now? I decided that today is not about me or our relationship or that two month period where he was such a horrible dad. Its about him and our kids and the great father he has been over the past four and half years. Today is about my hope that he can become that man again.
We woke up early, the kids excited about the presents and cupcakes we made. We decorated the kitchen while he was running then went to church, then breakfast out and came back home to nap and swim and bbq. He loved all of his gifts and seemed so surprised that we did anything for him, feeling as though he didnt deserve any of it. All the remorse I have been looking for from him was shown in a different way today.
I wrote him a touching card expressing my hope for our future and it made me feel great. I realize that I have to be better to him if I want him to become better. I am not taking any responsiblity for the mess he has created, but am taking control of our resolution and recovery. Unfortunately, I cant expect him to fix this on his own, I need to take part. So I will. I am changing my view of him for today. I am showing him that I can love him again, even if I dont fully believe it. The response was astounding... he was so loving and caring that I teared up several times, remembering the man he was and seeing him return today was so emotional and wonderful for me. I think he really enjoyed it too, not having the affair looming over him for a day.
After an exhausting day, I fell asleep in his arms while he watched a TV show and had the best hour of sleep I have had in fifty one days. He carressed my back while I slept and I felt loved, truly loved, for the first time in months.
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