Day Forty Four

Busy day, practically had a nervous breakdown over finishing a lame project for the upcoming volunteer conference this week.  I don't know what is going on with me, I usually THRIVE under pressure.  Now, pressure is too much for me to handle.  I yelled at my kids for no reason, I cried over a scrapbook page I needed to finish and almost lost my mind over a misplaced pair of scissors.  I texted him and told him I was losing it, wanting him to feel horrible about it, about causing it. 

I don’t know how to NOT want to punish him regularly.  I don’t know how NOT to bring it up constantly.  I don’t know how to do this.  I am so scared that he will never be the man he should be.  I am so afraid of losing him, but I always think about how okay I would be if he were gone.  I often think about dating and how that would be.  I think about the kids and how they wouldn’t even realize he was gone because he works so much.  I think about a life back home in Washington where I have an amazing support group and TONS of sitters so I can date again.  I also think about the pain and agony of seeing him regularly and the loss I would feel if he were gone.  What if he started dating before me?  That would kill me.  I cant imagine him with anyone else, nor do I imagine myself with another man.  Ultimately, while I try to think of spending my life with another person, I cant shake the feeling that he is the one I want.  But, why do I want a man that would do this to me?