Day Thirty Seven

In the morning, I felt like I was hit by a truck… As I was getting ready for the day, I thought about the nights he was with her on his business trip to St Louis.  He texted me “good night, I love you” while he was with her.  Even that was a lie.  He didn’t love me, not enough to turn away from her.  Not enough to not sleep with her.  He probably told her he loved her that same night.  He claims he didn’t mean when he said it to her, but he didn’t mean it with me either. As he got ready for work this morning, I watched him dry off with a towel and thought about how she had seen him in that exact same way… nobody else was ever supposed to see him like that.  Nobody else as ever supposed to know the patterns of hair on his chest and see his body in its entirety.  Nobody else was supposed to have their hands on the parts of his body that I stared at.

As the day went on, I forced myself to be more hopeful.  I tried to look forward to our life together rather than back on this awful event.  This worked well enough, I was very productive and even had a decent lunch! 

I just want him with me all the time.  Not because I want to know where he is or what he is doing, but because I need him to comfort me in those moments of realizations.  I want him to love me all day, show me affection and make me feel great about myself.  I want him to tell me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to live without me.  I want him to tell me he’s sorry and that he regrets everything he has done.