Day Sixty Six

A little hungover today, but feeling rather well.  Ran some errands with the kids and feeling less doomed.  I emailed him pictures of the concert and he responded saying the ones of the two of us were great and he reiterated that he had a great time last night. 

My body cant handle rock star partying anymore, but my hangover did bring me a little relief from the feeling of impending doom.  Maybe its not as bad as I thought.  I feel so crazy.  Somedays it just feels like the mountain is too steep to climb and other days I feel like we are doing remarkably well and we will get through this.  I read yesterdays post and am now thinking that maybe it was the alcohol and fun that made me so fatalistic about the outcome of this... but why does alcohol and FUN make me think this way?  The more we get along the more I think about the horrible lies and deceit and it makes me want to have a good time with someone who would never want to cause me this pain.  I have to realize that he didnt WANT the pain for me... he was only thinking of himself.  Our therapist told him he has commitment issues, but will those ever go away?  Is he worth all of this?  Can he ever be what I need?

I am too tired to think about this anymore.  I just need a vacation from him and this life he has built for me.  I am so tired of feeling so confused all the time.

Day Sixty Four

On our mini-vacation and decided to do it all in Houston!  Went to the Childrens Museum AND the zoo and had a GREAT time until we were at the zoo and I saw a childless couple walking around holding hands and loving on eachother.  I instantly thought of the two of them at the zoo in St Louis.  He took her there, to something that we have always done together.  We have visited 13 zoos in the country and our goal is to always go whenever on a vacation.  He ruined that.   I couldn’t snap out of it, crying in front of my kids and the giraffes.  I composed myself the best I could and wandered around, wanting to punch him.  He comforted me constantly, apologized for ruining zoo trips and promised to make it better.  He even suggested us finding something else that only the two of us shared… the only problem is that in their brief two month long relationship, they shared so much that I don’t even know about and cant stand the thought of finding out about.  Can I ever go to the stupid zoo again without feeling betrayed?  Is there any spot on this earth that I wont feel betrayed?

Day Thirty Nine

Well, today was a success!  I didn’t bring it up and, with that, I didn’t think about it as much.  Sure, I had my moments while I folded his underwear that I thought about another woman seeing these, ripping them off of his body.  I sat down to a lonely lunch and invisioned them in the throws of passion in a broom closet while I was calling or texting him and he wasnt responding.  After the kids woke up from their naps, I had a moment where I thought about the words "thanks for the amazing sex" that started this all for me, but just a little moment.  I was, for the most part, able to push all of those thoughts out of my head before they did too much damage to my day.  The day ended with a nice evening, nothing spectacular, but it felt great to not have the affair be as much a part of our relationship today. 

Day Thirty Seven

In the morning, I felt like I was hit by a truck… As I was getting ready for the day, I thought about the nights he was with her on his business trip to St Louis.  He texted me “good night, I love you” while he was with her.  Even that was a lie.  He didn’t love me, not enough to turn away from her.  Not enough to not sleep with her.  He probably told her he loved her that same night.  He claims he didn’t mean when he said it to her, but he didn’t mean it with me either. As he got ready for work this morning, I watched him dry off with a towel and thought about how she had seen him in that exact same way… nobody else was ever supposed to see him like that.  Nobody else as ever supposed to know the patterns of hair on his chest and see his body in its entirety.  Nobody else was supposed to have their hands on the parts of his body that I stared at.

As the day went on, I forced myself to be more hopeful.  I tried to look forward to our life together rather than back on this awful event.  This worked well enough, I was very productive and even had a decent lunch! 

I just want him with me all the time.  Not because I want to know where he is or what he is doing, but because I need him to comfort me in those moments of realizations.  I want him to love me all day, show me affection and make me feel great about myself.  I want him to tell me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to live without me.  I want him to tell me he’s sorry and that he regrets everything he has done. 

Day Thirty Three

In an attempt to move forward, I told my brain that I wanted nothing to do with its awful thoughts today.  I wanted peace for just one day.  We went to a fair and had a great time, he was perfect, doing everything he should.  We joked, we held hands and we had a nice time with the family.  Once we completely exhausted our kids, we went home to change and went out with close friends while the kids had a sitter.  We arrived early to the bar and had a drink together, gaining a little liquid courage to face our good friends for the first time since this all rocked my world.  They knew everything.  They arrived and we all acted like nothing happened, we slipped into the same old routine of drinking and eating and had a wonderful time.  I just wish this never happened.  We had such a great life before this, with the exception of a brief period of disconnection.  Everything could have been so amazing forever had he not done this to me.  We could have gotten through our “disconnection” just by reconnecting like we had tonight, but it couldn’t have happened with her around.  Now, I am drunk and so scared of the future.  So scared that he will do this again and so scared that I wont be able to forgive him or trust him.

Day Thirty One

Hatred day.  I am filled with so much hatred for this woman today that I cant concentrate on anything else.  What the hell was she doing??!?!!?  Why him?  Why my family?  I decided to write her a letter…

“Hopefully this is the last communication you will have with any of my family that you nearly destroyed... including MY husband.  That includes all crazy late night phone calls to OUR friends.  You are no longer welcome, not that you ever were by me, in our life.  He does not love you.  He never did.  He got "caught up" in some fantasy life where you were just a silly little insignificant being that screwed up our world.  My world.  My kids world.  You were nothing but "a mistake" (his exact words), his biggest regret in life and something he wishes never happened.  My children will hopefully never learn of this and will be brought up to respect relationships and not turn out like the two of you. Selfish, horrible people who put her own disgusting urges before the kids' well being.  As a mother one would hope that you would be a better person, the person you want your son to marry.  Let’s hope he doesn’t.  I hope he grows up not knowing how horrible you were in this.  What kind of stepmother did you think you would be to my kids?  Do you really think you are fit to influence a little girl?  I have removed myself from people solely because I thought they brought nothing positive to my kids... and they weren’t nearly as despicable as you.

You were just as much a part in this as Mike and I hope you have been honest with your husband about this... Mike seems to think that the two of you should reconcile.  I think you should, too, so you will back off my husband.  You knew we were having problems and you allowed yourself to be a part of them... the biggest part of them.  You snuck around, you betrayed me and you tried to ruin everything.  Mike is working so hard to rebuild our relationship, I only hope that you finally have a little bit of repsect for yourself and for me and my family to STAY AWAY.

I know you went to St Louis... I know about the lost receipts and the dinners and I can only imagine the dirty sex the two of you had.  I know you woke up with MY husband.  I know you had your mouth on MY husbands body.  I know you talked of vacations.  I know as much as I need to know about this and I am sick about it all the time.  He was supposed to only ever be in my body. I was never supposed to get tested for STD's again. I know Mike doesn’t like to use condoms... but I suppose you know that too, now.  I was supposed to be safe and loved and never feel like this.  Mike is paying the price for this, he is living with this everyday.  I truly believe that he loves me, hates how he hurt me and will live with that for the rest of our lives.  He has told me that being with you made him realize how much he loves me...I will not be thankful and I believe that many other less painful things could have brought him to that conclusion. How does it feel to be the one that made him realize that he loves ME?

You didn’t love him, there is no way you could.  You didn’t know him.  You knew a man who was confused, afraid and dishonest.  You knew a man who he never thought he could be.  With you he was a cheater, a liar and a filthy man who snuck around and betrayed his family.  The fact that you feel that you fell in love with a man like that is disturbing and if you hadn’t continued to sneak around (calling him from friends phones, emailing solely on his hotmail account, asking him to remove me from my own cell phone account, etc) after I found the first text message, I might feel a little sorry for you.  I don’t.  I feel hatred and pain and a constant sickness about the kind of person you are.  Its disgusting what you have done, pushing yourself on him even after I found out.  I hope you are embarrassed about your call to John, one that will be a joke to John's wife and I for years to come.  You are now just some crazy bitch who can’t take no for an answer.  Some slutty girl who tried to ruin a family that was in distress and needed help, not a whore to come in and take advantage of a man who was lost.  He is not off the hook here, don’t get me wrong.  He is just as much to blame as you, but he will work the rest of his life showing me how sorry he is and how much he regrets any involvement with you. He has shown remorse, but you... oh, you... you just get off with a little hand slap.  Oh, poor little Cassie... Mike doesnt love her.  Mike fell for her money and her lifestyle, and could care less about her as a person. I want so badly to tell Brad, your mayor mom and your powerful father EVERYTHING about you.  I have tons of proof, too.  TONS.  I wont, though, because I want you to disappear... to fade into a horrible memory.  

I hope this hurts you.  I hope you feel pain, you deserve every last bit of it.  Whatever pain you might feel right now, if you have made it this far into this email, is NOTHING compared to what I have to live with.  Through this I have learned about the truest form of unconditional love, it is what I have with Mike.  You were just an unnecessary and unfortunate condition that brought us closer together, that showed us an unconditional love for each other.

I know you have to see him at the June market and I hope that you are smart enough to stay as far away from him as possible. “

I am not going to send it… yet.  I am trying so hard to show her that we don’t care about her at all, but I want her to feel the pain and embarrassment that I feel.  I want her to imagine he and I passionately making love and feel a sense of loss that she never got that with him.  I want her to cry, to not be able to eat and to be so consumed by this that she questions her ability to be a good parent.  But, for now, I will bite my tongue.  I wont tattle to her family, I will let her live with this secret.  I will let her stew in it and wonder if he ever thinks about her.  I want to go to yelp and write nasty reviews about her yogurt shop, but I won’t.  I just want her gone.  Forever.

Day Twenty Nine

Day two of the work week and we are nearing the one month anniversary of my discovery day (as its referred to on infidelity support websites).  I cant believe its almost been a month.   One of the worst months of my 32 years.  Please, please, please, God, tell me that this will get easier.  Tell me that the month of May will one day NOT be filled with grief and sadness. Show me strength and the ability to trust this man.  I cant stop thinking about the deleted messages from his computer last night.  I cant get this feeling out of my gut.  I cant stop perusing the internet, searching for as much information as I can get my hands on about her… I would love to get her home phone number to compare it to the phone numbers on our cell bill, but her soon to be ex husband is a police officer so that’s impossible.  I check the phone records regularly, looking for more secrets and am not satisfied when I find nothing.  I am convinced he is still lying, but I take a deep breath and try to convince myself that he couldn’t possibly be THAT bad of a person that he would continue to lie to me.  He wants to work it out.  He wants only me.  He wants only me.  He wants only me. 

Day Twenty Seven

We woke up cuddling and loving eachother.  We had breakfast as a family and went to church, for the first non-holiday service we have ever attended.  At church, I prayed for strength and the ability to keep my mouth shut for one whole day.  I swore to God that I would not bring up the affair, not ask any of the questions that had weighed on my mind and enjoy my family as much as I could.  I was successful!  We spent the entire day together, a trip to the library, lunch at a restaurant, watched last nights movie while the kids napped then ran some errands, had dinner and went out for ice cream.  It was one of the greatest days we have had, with only a few moments of silent sadness on my part.  I quietly worked through the rushes of doubt and depression that I felt throughout the day and powered through the images.  I only hope that every day in our future will be this way, minus the moments of silence I had to take to get through my emotions. 

I realize that he must heal as well.  He feels terrible about it and I cant continue to make him feel worse.  I wish he could feel the way I do, for just a moment, to see how badly I hurt and how horribly I feel about myself.  He cant.  He will never know this because I will never do this to him.  But, I cant berate him with my sadness, I need to find out a new way to deal with this that no  longer effects him.  I checked out books from the library on how to deal with infidelity and I will read them and learn from them.  I must allow him to heal, no matter how hard that is. 

Day Twenty Two

His first day back at work since he professed his love for me and his willingness to work it out.  I try to be positive and remind myself that he has never bullshitted me when it came to his feelings, he had been telling me for a few months that he wasn’t “in love” with me, that something was missing… but he also told me he wanted to work on it and try to rekindle what we had lost.  He was great today, sent me text after text, letting me know that I was on his mind.  He even got a little flirty and actually got me in the mood for a little afternoon self-pleasuring which I hadn’t been in the mood to do in months. It worked out in both of our favors because we had the most amazing sex that night.  We tried positions we had never tried, did and said things that one would see in a dirty movie  that I have always been too embarrassed to admit to being aroused by.  I suppose my newfound fearlessness in the bedroom comes from the fact that he is not the first man to cheat on me nor is he the first to get a little bored with the sex AND he couldn’t possible hurt me any more than he has by telling me “no” or thinking I was too freaky.  I have always wanted to be the nice girl, not the slutty one.  I wanted him, especially, to see me in an angelic way, as the mother of his children and the woman he loves.  Unfortunately, he also needed me to get a little dirty in the bedroom and I refused to consider it.  RefusED.  Past tense.  We are moving forward and I actually touched myself while he was inside me.  I only recently admitted to him that I have ever masturbated.  I would like to know what he thinks of me now.  If this fearlessness was part of the reason he finally decided he was in love with me.  I cant even begin to think that he chose me purely for the sex, even he cant be that cruel… but I have thought it.

Day Fourteen

Today blew up bigger than any other day.  I had a terrible feeling that he was still lying, especially after I confronted him about his phone being locked.  I kept thinking about it, what is he hiding?  Well, I found out.  I asked for his email password and found it.  MORE emails.  More lies.  He told her he loved her the morning before we had sex (Day 9).  He saw her on Saturday, instead of being at work but was texting me and brought me dinner that night.  She thinks they are going to be together.  She asked him to move up his counseling appt, because he probably told her that he was going to leave me.  Then, he finally tells me everything I have wanted all along… He IS in love with me, he wants to be with me, he will do anything for me, he doesn’t love her.  He chose me.  The problem is that I don’t even know if I want him anymore. So, I called her.  She answered and I professionally introduced myself and asked questions… did she love him?  Did she want to be with him?  Did she know we had sex that weekend?  How did she feel about him coming home to have sex with me?  I then informed her that he loved me, only me and that she meant nothing to him.  I told her that he was standing in front of me and not even trying to get the phone out of my hand while I belittled and insulted her.  How did that make her feel?  “He doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t watch me do this to you” She said nothing.  I asked what kind of mother she was to her own child that she would allow my children to go through this?  To try to take away my kids’ father from them?  She said nothing, so I told her she had been no help and hung up.  We then had a full on domestic violence situation… I wailed on him.  I bruised many parts of my body by constantly beating on him, I wanted him to hurt.  I couldn’t even cry.  That’s the scariest part.  He chased me around the house trying to pry the laptop out of my hands, trying to hide MORE from me.  After a long battle for the laptop, one that ended with my daughter waking up and me telling him to be a good father and get her, I locked myself in my car in the garage and read.  I found more emails, more information about this so called “two week fling.”  It was so much more than that.  So much more.  He has been to her house.  He called her “my love” after I found the initial amazing sex text message.  I left the car, laptop in tow, and ran at him like a crazy person.  More rage, more violence and more lies.  This is not a person that I ever thought I could be.  He just sat there and took it, covered his face when he needed to but never once lifted a hand to hit me back or even stop me.

Things settled down.  I ran for my pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine and went to the back porch.  Luckily my kids slept through it all and did not have to witness what I had witnessed as a child.

 He sat there, scared.  Not of me, but of losing me.  Or maybe of getting caught in more lies.  He informed me that she comes from an incredibly wealthy family and he was more attracted to her life than her as a person.  While I hate her more than anything for allowing this to happen and trying to take a man away from his family, I hate him even more for being attracted to her money.  This girl thought he loved her, she felt good about it and had hopes for their future, but it was all about money.  I come from a mobile home in Washington, my mother is a teacher and my dead father was a small business owner… a small business with a very small income.  Is he ashamed of my family?!?!  My family that has loved him and accepted him, even though he knocked me up a few months into our relationship.  My family has been more to him than his family has ever been to me.  They love him as much as they love our blood relatives and are happy to do whatever they can to see us regularly and help out where needed. Why is that not enough for him?  No, my mom is not a mayor, my dad could never be found on forbes.com and instead of a 7000 sq ft home with three pools, they modestly live in 1800 sq ft with an above ground pool.  Money?!?!!  THAT was the motivator?!?!  He said he could see a better future for our kids in that family… what would that family do better with my daughter than they did with theirs?  She is a little slut who f****d a married man and thought nothing of it.  She is dirty and broken.  How would they influence my son?  To spend all of his time building an empire and working, not spending any time with his family?  When things get tough with whatever lucky woman he marries, just go have an affair instead of being a REAL man and facing your problems head on?  My kids deserve better than all of that.

After a long conversation that was filled with lies, I made him call her to end it and I was going to watch the whole thing.  Unfortunately, I let him off the hook by inadvertently breaking up with her for him because she hung up on him both times he called.  He then began begging me not to go on my trip the next day.  What?  And stay here?  No way in hell.

I am feeling more alone, scared and broken than I ever have.  This whole time, the last 14 days, he has been talking to her.  He saw her on Day 12 before he came home to ME.  He lied.  He continued to f***ing lie to me.  I leave for Washington tomorrow and am so afraid I am not going to want to be with him.  I am afraid that his lies have been too much for my little heart to overcome. 

Day Ten

Today he will pick his mother up from the airport and tell her everything… well, at least I think he will tell her everything.  After that, we will go out to dinner again before he returns home tomorrow night.  I want him to call me or text me or email me or do SOMETHING to show that he is in this.  That he wants this.  I feel powerless and maybe the sexual activity last night was my trying to win him back.  Show him that I can give him what he needs.  I feel slightly dirty, like a one night stand just took place with my best friend and I don’t know how to face it.  At least he is not talking to her anymore.  She hasn’t made any contact with him and hopefully will be gone forever…

Dinner was great. We had the same chemistry as last night, except this time we went back to his hotel room for a bit before I headed home to relieve my sister of her babysitting duties.  What happened in the car on the way to the hotel was wild.  We did and said things that I would have never thought would happen.  Illegal things that could have gotten us into a car accident, except they all felt so good that we couldn’t stop.  At the end, while still laying in bed naked and he inside my body I burst into tears at the thought of the two of them together.  Did he touch her the same way?  Did he tell her how good it all felt?  I left in a daze, barely able to handle the terrible thunderstorm storm that awaited me.  As I drove home, I was pummeled by hail and cried relentlessly in my car.  I called him to be my savior, to talk me through the drive and I realized at that point that he was the only person I ever wanted to call to save me, but I didn’t trust him to follow through with it.

Day Eight

My four year olds first dentist appt today.  She is strong willed and incredibly anxious about everything… afraid of everything.  I had to dig deep and muster the strength to get her through this visit.  We had been talking for weeks about it and I promised to get her a book on dentists from the library, but completely forgot to in the midst of the affair aftermath.  She, very unpolitely, reminded me of this on our way there and I knew it was going to be a disaster.  Yet another casualty in this horrible thing… my daughter now HATES the dentist.  Once she was in the chair, I tried to reason with her and bribe her to get her to let them brush her teeth.  She was not having it.  Out of frustration and emotional exhaustion, I burst into tears asking, no begging, her to just let them brush her teeth!  The dentist politely informed me that this was not going to help the situation and that from what he could tell her teeth were fine and that we should leave and try again in 6 months so she is not traumatized.  Too late.  She already thinks the dentist made me cry.

After a good public breakdown and massive guilt over what this is doing to my kids, I found an inner strength that I had no idea existed and went on with the rest of the day with my fake smile and loved the crap out of my babies. 

The evening brought on the extreme sadness, magnified that feeling in the pit of my stomach that wont go away and the fear of the moment that I had to go to bed.  Going to bed was the hardest part of my day anymore.  That is when my mind raced with realizations of the last few months since he began talking to her regularly.  Every night that he seemed quiet and distant I wondered if they had sex that day and if he was distant because he preferred her.  Was he withdrawn because he missed her?  Why wasnt I enough?  I remember one evening where he was constantly texting someone on the other end of the couch, it was probably her.  While I sat next to him, he was professing his feelings towards her, sending dirty messages and maybe even planning their future together.  While I sat next to him, I was begging him to pay attention to me, pleading for quality time together and wondering what I was doing so wrong that he was so withdrawn.  I was hurting and he didnt even notice, I was trying everything in my power to reconnect with him and he wasnt paying attention... he was thinking about and contacting her.

Day Seven

My sisters mission in all of this is to get me moving.  Out of the house, out running errands, taking the kids to the park… whatever!  We took a much needed trip to the grocery store, then paid attention to the kids.  I even made it a playgroup with all of my friends and took a picture of our son playing the drums and sent it to him.  He was so thankful for the picture, surprised that I would think to do that.  I did it out of habit.  I was in a fake good place in front of my playgroup friends and believed it for a moment. 

The evening went on like all of the others... put the kids to bed, drink wine and talk about it all.  No new developments, just a new sadness that is slowly taking over my body and my life.  I still cant eat, I have lost about five pounds in seven days, my heart races constantly and I am prone to sudden outbursts of both tears and uncontrollable anger.  He says he hasnt spoken with her, that its over.  He says he loves me, but still doesnt feel "in love" with me and he wants to move past the affair and fall back in love with me. I am hurting over the affair and now over his inability to be in love with me.  Shaking, I finally make it to sleep and dream of being with him at a wedding, then I am unable to find him.  I finally locate him in the bathroom with some girl named Tina (we dont even know a Tina).  I wake up sweating at 3am and cry until 5, when I get up to start the coffee.

Day five

A sad, sad morning.  Made the kids pancakes and all they did was talk abouit daddy.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “Daddy fucked some other bitch!  Don’t you get that?!?  He is not worth your praise!!!” but I didn’t.  I told them how much he loved them and missed them and would never do anything to hurt them, even though he already had.

The day was spent in another daze, just trying to concentrate on my kids… my wonderful little reminders of the life their father destroyed.  Every night since this all began, we have ritually opened a plastic easter egg with a message from daddy.  Horrifying.  Every single night I have had to be reminded of what a great man he could have been had he not done all of this. 

The only saving grace to today was picking up my sister from the airport, except I decided to take his car instead of mine.  I sat in it, staring at the leather seats and looking for sex stains and dirty underwear.  I could only picture naked bodies rolling around the inside of a car that had previously only ever had my naked body in it.

Day Four

The reinforcements are on their way!  My best friend is making a 4 hour drive from Houston to spend the weekend saving me and my sister is flying from Washington tomorrow night for a week long assistance visit… assisting me in getting on with my daily life, not ignoring my kids and trying to put the pieces back together or build a new puzzle without him. 

The day was spent cleaning and getting ready to loaf around and sulk with my two best friends.  Busy days are the best anymore, they give me less chance to let it all sink in.  The evening turned into a drinking/smoking bitch-fest between two childhood friends, which was exactly what I needed.  We talked about all of his issues, came to terms with the fact that he may not be capable of loving me the way he should, went over the details that I was aware of and came up with strategies… work it out strategies and leaving him strategies.  We focused on all of my great qualities that any man would be lucky to have as a part of his life.  We cried, we got angry and we made off color jokes about the situation. 

I finally didn’t feel alone, I felt full of worth and great things and I realized that, should I decided to do so, I can go on without him.  I will be okay, dammit!  Its too bad that once I went to our bed, was in our bedroom and around his things I literally cried myself to sleep… waking several times in the night with a horrible feeling in my gut and an intense sadness.  I am thankful for those few hours of hopefulness that I felt, but wish they would have allowed me to sleep.

Day Three

This is the day that reality has set it.  I woke up feeling betrayed and lost.  I had to get out of the house, we needed groceries and I needed a reason to get dressed.  Big mistake.  I drove like a zombie, which was probably a bit dangerous for my kids.  As we walked through two different stores grabbing a handful of items from each, I worried that every girl I passed was her.  I thought about the details of their torrid affair, the long conversations they had while I sat at home taking care of our children and house.  I thought about how life would be without him.  I wondered if they would be together if I left him. All of this while ushering my four year old nad two year old through the Dollar Store and Target.  I made purchases I didn’t need and forgot the important ones I went there for.  I cried for a moment when a silly item reminded me of a once happy memory, which now made me sad.  I finished the shopping, drove through and purchased a bag of grease for my kids to eat for lunch and ran to my quiet home, which I vowed to never leave again.  At least not until I had to. 

I remained a zombie the rest of the day.  I stopped talking to my girlfriends for the afternoon as I was tired of talking about everything.  I had yet to have a full meal so I felt a little weak and crazy, so I tried to stomach a little food and tried to give my kids as much attention as I could. 

Today, I want to work it out.  I want to continue my life, I don’t want to turn it upside down.  I want to fight for this relationship that I spent the past five years building.  I want my kids to grow up never knowing that this happened.  I want to go to counseling and I don’t want him to move out.  But… how do I send him off to work everyday, knowing she’ll be there.  Knowing that that’s where they had sex.  Again, so confused.

Day Two

I poured my coffee, popped an advil and glanced in the mirror.  My face was swollen from the constant crying and lack of sleep, my eyes were bright red and my expression showed a broken, sad, mangled mess of a woman.  I had two hours to pull myself together before a friend dropped her 5 year old off for me to watch for the day.  In the midst of my morning routine, I went to text him as I usually do when I awake and he is gone.  This time I didn’t know what to say.  I thought about “Fuck You,” but realized that was a little harsh for me to type at 645 am.  I wanted to write “I love you and I miss you and I want this to all have never happened” but thought he was getting off too easy.  So, I settled with “I slept horribly… the wind was blowing and my mind was racing. You?”   He responded saying he slept horribly and I suggested that we write eachother letters over the next few days, putting on paper our feelings, plans for the future and anything else that we needed to get off of our chests.  He agreed and promised to get to work on it that evening.

Somewhere in the morning I decided to try on different hats throughout the next few days.  Today, I would wear the “Lets work it out” hat and see how it fits.  Tomorrow, the “Get the hell out and write me child support checks” hat.  And, if I am so inclined, one day maybe the “lets pretend he’s dead” hat.

The best thing that happened to me that day was that I didn’t flake on my friend when it came to watching her son.  I was forced to wear more of a smile and interact with the kids (ages 5, 4 and 2!).  The day consisted mostly of playing, eating and cleaning up from the playing and eating.  It kept me busy and I was actually able to eat a little and get my mind off of yesterdays massive betrayal.  I had a friend planning on driving up from Houston that Friday and my sister was flying in from Washington that Saturday to help me and be with me and support whatever decision I was going to make. I felt a little better, honestly.  I felt more in control and was able to stop picturing that naked whore with her body pressed against my husbands, well maybe to not picture it as much. 

That night took a turn for the worse. I spoke to him and he informed me that he had talked to the bitch and broke it off… again, in my masochistic quest for information I asked how she took it.  He said she cried.  She cried.  Which only means that it was more than sex, it was a relationship.  While it was a short relationship (my cyber stalking gave me phone records that indicated two months of regular lengthy phone calls between them, totaling over 700  minutes each month) it was enough to cry over.  I went to bed wondering what they talked about, what her expectations were and if she was actually going to be around forever.  What if she was pregnant?  He claimed to have used protection, but was that enough?  Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep.

Today, I have no clue what I want or should do.  My heart and my head are both sleep deprived and hungry, thus they are not communicating with me.  I am so confused.