The reinforcements are on their way! My best friend is making a 4 hour drive from Houston to spend the weekend saving me and my sister is flying from Washington tomorrow night for a week long assistance visit… assisting me in getting on with my daily life, not ignoring my kids and trying to put the pieces back together or build a new puzzle without him.
The day was spent cleaning and getting ready to loaf around and sulk with my two best friends. Busy days are the best anymore, they give me less chance to let it all sink in. The evening turned into a drinking/smoking bitch-fest between two childhood friends, which was exactly what I needed. We talked about all of his issues, came to terms with the fact that he may not be capable of loving me the way he should, went over the details that I was aware of and came up with strategies… work it out strategies and leaving him strategies. We focused on all of my great qualities that any man would be lucky to have as a part of his life. We cried, we got angry and we made off color jokes about the situation.
I finally didn’t feel alone, I felt full of worth and great things and I realized that, should I decided to do so, I can go on without him. I will be okay, dammit! Its too bad that once I went to our bed, was in our bedroom and around his things I literally cried myself to sleep… waking several times in the night with a horrible feeling in my gut and an intense sadness. I am thankful for those few hours of hopefulness that I felt, but wish they would have allowed me to sleep.
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