Day Sixteen

In Washington, feeling overwhelmed and nautious.  How do couples actually get through this?  How do you move past all of the pain?  The pain is so much right now, it feels like the day my father died… a hurt that I knew I couldn’t get rid of, I just had to get used to it.

Another day on the couch with a book.  I haven’t sat this long since my daughter was born four years ago.  I started to think of weekends with the kids… the things I would miss, the activities they would do without me.  I have been a stay home mom since my daughter was 4 months old, I haven’t missed ANYTHING in their lives and now I might have to miss every other weekend and misc nights.  The thought sends my body into a panic and sit at the computer.  I log on to his email account and send a test email to her.  “Hey, How are you doing?”  Part of me hoped she would respond with something to the effect of “Better after seeing you last night” or “thanks for calling me” or something that told me that he really was a monster and I needed to leave.  I sat at the computer, my heart pounding out of my chest and my stomach about to show me last nights taco until I couldnt take it anymore.  I sent a second email, that said “This is Kendall, that last email was a test.  I am going crazy and I don’t know what to do.  I am sorry, I wont bother you again.”  Then I blocked both of her email addresses from the account. 

I prayed hard.   All day.  Please God, let this be the end of it.  Let her go away from us forever and bring me peace and joy again.  Let me get through this.  Bring him back to me, the way he USED to be and let me see him as the man he was before he met her.  Please don’t let him do this to me again.  Let me get through this.  Please dont ever let my kids find out about any of this.