Not a horrible day, I actually accomplished quite a bit. I had a few good meals and even went most of the day without feeling sick. The evening was a different story, more conversations about the horrible thing he did. I am constantly playing a timeline back in my head and have concluded that every time I thought he was distant, it was because he didn’t want to be with me. He preferred her. He would text on the couch, with his body turned away from me. It was probably her. He rarely sat next to me, he never kissed me when he came home from work and seemed hardly interested in sex, turning down my advancements on more than one occasion. I cant stop berating him with my anger. I cant stop trying to make him feel horrible, its not even intentional… I just want somebody to hurt as bad as I do.
We went off to bed and tried to fool around, while his fingers were inside me I wretched. I couldn’t stop playing back in my head pictures of him in her body. How did she taste? What did she do for him? What did they say in throws of passion? He stopped and asked if I was ok, I said no. We lay there for a bit and talked, I tried to push the awful images out of my head but they just kept rushing back. Finally, we kissed a little, then a lot. He said “We can just kiss, its ok” and with that, those few words, I felt safe with him for a moment. I felt aroused at that and we had great sex, close sex, the kind where your bodies are so close that you feel like one person. But, as soon as we were finished, I wondered if they had ever had that, had they ever made love like that?
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