Day Twenty One

After an amazing family day at the zoo, then some shopping we came home and the kids and he played in the backyard while I vacuumed the living room.  While moving the vacuum across the floor, I saw it.  His work laptop staring me in the face with his work email open, the only thing I couldn’t access on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to ruin the day, but feared it might be my only chance to catch him in a lie, which is my new hobby. 

I started looking through more emails, sent ones from his work computer.  I found out MORE lies.  She was with him on a business trip at the beginning of March, stayed for three days.  He had a day off on that trip and he was with her.  He told her he loved her.  He made promises of a life with her.  I discovered that the sexual relationship was MUCH longer than two weeks, the original lie.  Its all lies.  I cant do this anymore.  Shaking, I left the house, drove to the grocery store and bought a four pack of small chilled wine bottles, a pack of cigarettes and a cup to pour the wine in then sat in a desolate park and cried.  Once I realized that I was about to start feeling the effects of the wine I returned home and snuck into the backyard to try to figure this all out.  How can he tell me he loves me and bold face lie to me?  How can this all be happening?!?!?!?!?  I understand that what I found was just more intimate details of what I already knew, but he still keeps lying.  I asked if she was in St Louis, he said no.  She was. I asked if they ever went out anywhere, he said no.  They did.  I asked if they spent the night together, he said no.  They did.  He told me that every sexual encounter took place at his work, he lied. So, when I ask if they have talked recently, do I believe him?  How do I get there?  How do I move past this when there are still so many lies out there?

We talked about the information I found, he told me it was pointless to be searching.  Apparently he doesn’t understand that I am not only looking for proof that he is still cheating, I am also looking for proof that he ISNT.  He is sneaky and a liar… I have to make sure I cover all of my bases. He snuck around behind my back for TWO months, lied, had a fucking mini vacation with her and came home to me.  I have no idea what he is capable of and I have to search everything to make sure he is not still doing this.  I am also looking for the truth about my life for those two months where everything was a lie.  When he came home and didnt kiss me its because he wanted to kiss her.  When we had sex he wanted her.  How do I get to a place where I feel that I am the only one he wants?