Day Twenty Four

Today I sent him off on another business trip, back to St Louis where the affair traveled with him.  They stayed in a hotel together, spent a night in each others arms and I am left with the visions of it all.  Dinner out together, waking up with each other, a little action before the workday started, a trip to the zoo together while I was visiting family in Washington. My dead fathers birthday and he wasn’t even thinking about me.  A huge fight with my mother and he was with her when I needed him to be there for me.  He chose her over me.  He chose her over our children.  How do I sleep tonight knowing he is in the hotel where they spent such enchanted fucking evenings together?!?! She slept in the same bed as the pillow he travels with, the pillow that lives in our bed.  I realized that he had, for the first time, asked for a new pillowcase before the trip he took her on.  Gross.  He was preparing to be with her, to share a bed with her while we were standing in our bedroom with our children.  Now, he is in a city where I have never been, where there are only memories of her all around him.  I realized that, at a time when they were probably in bed together, I was singing his praises to my girlfriends about him and our life together.  What a fool I am.

So, I took this opportunity to search his car.  I looked at every piece of paper, every little piece of trash to search for clues that he is still talking to her.  I found a tshirt from the yogurt shop she owns, which I threw away, and that was it.  While it was anticlimactic, it was also a little bit of reassurance.  Either he is done or he is much better at hiding it. 

The day went on in a blur… I tried so hard to not think about any of this and concentrate on our children.  My poor kids have no idea whats going on, but they sense the tension and my absence and are acting out as a result.  They did not deserve this.

When they talked about spending their lives together, did they even consider the kids?  Does this girl know how hard it is to have TWO kids, let alone three (adding in her young son)?  Were they going to get custody then hire a fancy nanny to care for my kids while I was stuck in an apartment somewhere pining for my children?  Do they even know what to do with my daughters incredibly curly hair?  How about my sons excema… were bleach baths or oatmeal creams in their future too?  She told her mom about him.  He was excited that she did, wondered what she said.  This was a few days before he chose me. 

A late night phone conversation brought on more tears and anger.  I realized that several weeks ago when I called him from WA while she was visiting him in St Louis, I was crying and upset that he had the entire day off and never contacted me.  During this, he just sat on the other end of the phone, not saying much.  I was begging and pleading with him that I needed him and I loved him and I wanted to get through what we were referring to as our “disconnect” and he said very little, quietly.  She was there, with him.  I poured my heart out that day and she was sitting there, in my relationship, damaging my family and my soul and nobody showed any signs of guilt.  He said to me, in our conversation tonight, that he is sick of talking about it all the time.  Doesn’t he realize that I am much more sick of LIVING it?!?!?