Day Fifteen

Arriving home to Washington where I belong.  Among my people, my sister, my friends.  I am broken hearted and I am going home for five days to heal.  The promise land.

This is my first trip without my kids, only my sister and two good friends know I am coming.  I have never thought I would go home and not tell my own mother I was there, but I couldnt.  I couldnt tell her about this yet, nor my other sister or other friends. 

He dropped me off at the airport this morning and begged me not go, wanted me to stay but I couldn’t stand the look of his face, the smell of his body or the sound of his voice.  He wants to work it out, he wants to be with me and he wants to get started today.  Little does he know that he is the last person I want to be with, I cant bring myself to tell him for fear that he will run back to her.  She wants him and I don’t, but I don’t NOT want him either, so for now I tell lies right back to him.  He held me so close at the airport, gave me what I have wanted for months and I just wanted out of those lying, cheating arms. 

 I floated through the airport.  I knew what I looked like… exhausted, barely awake and looking like I was traveling for a funeral.  I boarded the plane and was relieved that the middle seat was empty, until the chatty lady in the window seat starting asking me questions… where are you going?  Why?  I put on half of a smile and pretended it was a girls getaway from my kids and husband… then quickly buried my nose in a book. 

Once I arrived in Washington, I got settled at a friends house and she returned to work, leaving me completely alone for the first time since this all happened.  I parked myself on the couch and cried for about an hour, then took a hot shower and tried to get back into my book.  Dinner time arrived and everyone was coddling me… “eat something,” “you’ll feel better tomorrow,” “you are strong, you can get through this.”  It took everything in me to smile and eat a taco from the best restaurant in town.  My favorite food from Washington and I couldn’t even stomach it.  One more thing he took away from me.

He called and texted me all day... "I love you", "I miss you already," "please come home." Every message burned through my soul and sent me spiraling into all kinds of emotion.  Anger, fear, sadness, lonliness, mistrust.... no happiness, no relief.  Why wont he just leave me alone?