This is the day that reality has set it. I woke up feeling betrayed and lost. I had to get out of the house, we needed groceries and I needed a reason to get dressed. Big mistake. I drove like a zombie, which was probably a bit dangerous for my kids. As we walked through two different stores grabbing a handful of items from each, I worried that every girl I passed was her. I thought about the details of their torrid affair, the long conversations they had while I sat at home taking care of our children and house. I thought about how life would be without him. I wondered if they would be together if I left him. All of this while ushering my four year old nad two year old through the Dollar Store and Target. I made purchases I didn’t need and forgot the important ones I went there for. I cried for a moment when a silly item reminded me of a once happy memory, which now made me sad. I finished the shopping, drove through and purchased a bag of grease for my kids to eat for lunch and ran to my quiet home, which I vowed to never leave again. At least not until I had to.
I remained a zombie the rest of the day. I stopped talking to my girlfriends for the afternoon as I was tired of talking about everything. I had yet to have a full meal so I felt a little weak and crazy, so I tried to stomach a little food and tried to give my kids as much attention as I could.
Today, I want to work it out. I want to continue my life, I don’t want to turn it upside down. I want to fight for this relationship that I spent the past five years building. I want my kids to grow up never knowing that this happened. I want to go to counseling and I don’t want him to move out. But… how do I send him off to work everyday, knowing she’ll be there. Knowing that that’s where they had sex. Again, so confused.
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