A new day of realizations… I reach for a cup out of the cabinet and grab the one he brought me from the zoo as my “souvenir” from his trip to St Louis
I cant stop being angry and hurt. I cant stand the sight of him at times, but I don’t want him out of my sight. I can no longer control anything and I feel lost and worthless. My body is depleted, I have lost over 10 lbs on my already small frame in the last 25 days and I lack energy and motivation. I am officially “unhealthy” in terms of my weight and I cant even imagine eating enough to bring myself back to the 117 pounds I am regularly. How do I do this? Today is a whole new day of pain and frustration. I don’t know how to go on living with this, I don’t know how to forget and I definitely don’t know how to forgive.
The afternoon took a positive turn… I decided NOT to berate him with my newfound realizations, but just try to work them out in my head. Who he is today is not the same man he was when this was happening, he was withdrawn during their entire relationship and was “caught up” in all of it. It wasn’t a reality to him, it was a fantasy life with a rich girl whose life he was attracted to more than her. I just wish he hadn’t taken it all as far as he did. No matter how filthy this girl is, he should have been up front with her. He should never have told her he loved her and should never have allowed any of this to happen, no matter how strong her advances where. She definitely deserves some pain in this, but not the way it happened. I have been a girl who loved someone, only to have them leave for someone else and had that man drug it out the way he did, I would have been even more destroyed. But, I did not bring it on myself like she did. I did not ask a married man to leave his family.
After a nice day of playful texts back and forth, he called me to say goodnight. About three minutes into the conversation I became cold and distant and he called me on it. I don’t even know what happened, the sound of his voice made all the feelings and realizations start running through my brain. I attacked him with it all… and he was not happy. He said he had been excited to talk to me, then wanted off the phone because he was tired of talking about it. He’s right. I hate to admit it but he is. If we are going to get through this, I need to let go of my anger and stop attacking him. I need to allow him the chance to forgive himself for what he has done, and that cannot be accomplished by my constant badgering. How do I do that? How do I let go? I wish I knew what he had to do to help make it happen because, regardless of what has happened, I do not want to punish him any longer.
Hi my name is flor and I have been following ur blog since day one. I have been in the same situation you are in now. My husband cheated in 1998 and again last year, even though this last time it was an online affair it was more painfull because of the lies and him being so distant from me and our children. I wanted to say, do not be so hard on your self. He mess up, big time mess up, he should put up with talking about it and apologizing a million times a day if he has to. He had a choice and he choose wrong! Now with that said for your benefic give your self a time limit to talk about it and to ask questions, tell him your plan and how long you need and then keep your promise to not talk about it anymore. So write down all your questions and ask them and tell him everything you need to tell him during that time. Take care of your self not for you or him but for your adorable children, they need you now more than ever. One month is not enough time to get over it. It takes years before you think about it every day!!!!
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