Day One

I found out.  I was feeling suspicious due to recent problems in our relationship and checked his blackberry, hoping to find nothing and continue working out our disconnection with each other, which we had even started seeing a marriage counselor about.  Then the text… “thanks for the amazing sex…”  I was floored.  I slowly walked, although it seemed like I had floated, into the bathroom where he was getting ready to leave for a 10 day business trip.  Shaking, I stuttered the words “there is a t-t-text m-m-message about amazing sex… what d-d-did you d-d-do?” He instantly stopped what he was doing and the look on his face said it all.  Busted.  He kept repeating “What? Wait, Kendall, what?” as though he had no idea what I was talking about, waiting to see exactly how much I had seen.  I had seen enough.  He realized this and ran our poor innocent, amazing children down the hall and came back in to a broken, shattered woman lying in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.  Then came the anger… violent rage like I had never felt before.  I kept hitting him and screaming at him that he ruined everything. He had just had sex with me that morning, less than 24 hours after penetrating HER body! Our family was destroyed.  How could he do this?  What did I do wrong?  Then I repeatedly asked him to leave, and he wouldn’t.  Instead he took our kids to a friends house and came back, wanting to talk.  What do we have to talk about?  I continued with my harsh, angry words and boughts of breakdown crying, telling him what a horrible man he was.  Telling him how disgusted his mother would be.  I even told him that I hope our daughter never marries a man like him nor do I want our son to ever be like him. We started talking about him getting an apartment, my going back to work and sending our defenseless kids to daycare just because he screwed some other woman and his income could not support two households. This went on for several hours, until he finally left for that business trip that afternoon.  I had never felt so exhausted, anxious, hurt and angry all at the same time.  I was certain it was over.  I felt confident that I could never trust him again but I didn’t want to send him back into her arms so I eluded that we may be able to work this out.  That’s what he said he wanted.  Me, him, our two kids all together forever.  He apologized over and over, but still admitted to sleeping with her several times over a two week period.  At the airport he opened the drivers side door, where I sat in a daze, to “say goodbye” to me and I couldn’t even look at him.  He said goodbye to the kids and away we went.  Once his flight left I started to process, and get even angrier.  I emailed the dirty whore who he slept with, told her what I thought of the two of them and asked, as politely as I could manage, if she could verify a few details.  Of course, there was no response. 

We returned home and I returned my normal “mom” duties and taking care of my gorgeous kids.  I was a zombie to those two, hardly able to brush their teeth before bed.  Then I booked two plane tickets.  One for my sister to come out in a few days then one for me to go home to Washington in two weeks.  He had already requested vacation time to spend time with his mother on her spring trip from Massachusetts and I was not about to pretend to be a happy family for her sake. 

Once the kids were asleep the reality of the day started to set in.  I drank a glass wine, turned to an old vice (cigarettes) and had a friend over to study the web for as much info n this amazing little slut that he had found.  I found all the details of their 750+ total minute phone conversations on my cell phone provider website.  I went to facebook and her yogurt shops website… she was pretty, had bigger boobs than I (which is not hard to do as I carry a 32A), and had a child of her own… and I became insane with a thirst for details.  I wanted to know everything, so I called him.  How many times?  Where?  Did you like her boobs?  Did she talk dirty to you?  I don’t know what I was going to gain, aside from a more vivid mental picture, and didn’t care.  I needed some questions answered.  He obliged and let me have my crazy, with a small warning that this is not going to be easy to hear.  It wasn’t.  It almost killed me.  I no longer wanted to know, but now I did.  He said they slept together 7 times, that she meant nothing, he got caught up in it all and that it was over between them.

Bedtime came and I lay in bed, my mind racing, my body aching and my stomach feeling the effects of 3 glasses of wine on a completely empty, anxious stomach.  I felt sick and so very tired.  I tossed and turned, every time I woke I thought about it.  Every time I turned over towards his side of the bed, I thought about it.  After several hours of attempted slumber, I called it quits and made my coffee.

Today, I want him gone.  I cant even stand looking at his pictures, I cant imagine my life spent looking at his face forever.  The only reason that I haven’t packed his clothes is that, sadly, I have been through this before and I know that in a few days I could change my mind.  I don’t want to lose my life, but I don’t think I can trust him.  I am aching all over.