We woke up cuddling and loving eachother. We had breakfast as a family and went to church, for the first non-holiday service we have ever attended. At church, I prayed for strength and the ability to keep my mouth shut for one whole day. I swore to God that I would not bring up the affair, not ask any of the questions that had weighed on my mind and enjoy my family as much as I could. I was successful! We spent the entire day together, a trip to the library, lunch at a restaurant, watched last nights movie while the kids napped then ran some errands, had dinner and went out for ice cream. It was one of the greatest days we have had, with only a few moments of silent sadness on my part. I quietly worked through the rushes of doubt and depression that I felt throughout the day and powered through the images. I only hope that every day in our future will be this way, minus the moments of silence I had to take to get through my emotions.
I realize that he must heal as well. He feels terrible about it and I cant continue to make him feel worse. I wish he could feel the way I do, for just a moment, to see how badly I hurt and how horribly I feel about myself. He cant. He will never know this because I will never do this to him. But, I cant berate him with my sadness, I need to find out a new way to deal with this that no longer effects him. I checked out books from the library on how to deal with infidelity and I will read them and learn from them. I must allow him to heal, no matter how hard that is.
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