Day Eighty

Well, its been eighty days of sheer hell... and today feels like it will never end.  After the party yesterday, I am tired and feel crazy for having to beg for his attention. I woke up feeling lost and exhausted.  How am I going to get through this?  For the past eighty days I have asked myself this.  Still, no answer.

We spent a nice day together, as a family.  As a family.  Our FAMILY is stronger than ever, he is all about us and wanting to move forward so badly.  We have done so many activities these last few months and my kids have got to feel more loved than ever.  Our family is great... its just me that suffers now.  I am going to try to suffer in silence, to keep my pain and agony private so he has a chance to heal from what he has done and hopefully that will help me begin to heal.  I have never really felt that complete healing is possible for me, but this is worth a shot.  I am so tired of feeling this every single day and I dont know that anything will help that.  He cant help me now, even if we divorced there really is no help for me.  I cant get the images or the thoughts out of my head, but its time to stop forcing him to feel it all with me.  That will not get us through this.   I keep saying and feeling this, but still I punish him.  I cant seem to get it out of my head that I have to stop punishing him and I need to try to trust him.  His life is not great right now, I realize that.  I look at his phone, email, etc every day looking for proof that he is cheating still.  Just waiting to find the next piece of heart wrenching information that sends me back to eighty days ago.  He walks on egg shells around me, calling me from work regularly so I know he is at his office.  He doesnt even ask to go out for drinks of dinner with friends anymore for fear of a fight.  He regularly "talks me off the cliff" when I am feeling sad or angry, and is usually unsuccesful.  Its no wonder he doubts our ability to get through this.  I would too. 

I want so badly to pretend that this never happened.  To not have constant thoughts of the relationship they had, the love they thought they shared and the plans they probably made for their future together... the future he thought about that only included me as the recipient of part of his income and their weekend babysitter for romantic excursions.  How could he do this to me?  How could he turn me into this scared little person?  I was once so confident and energetic.  I used to be so much better than I am now.