Woke up from another horrible dream... this is starting to become a frequent, and disturbing, trend. In this particular dream my daughter was playing in her first teeball game and I was trying to get a hold of him, but he was avoiding me. I later found out that he was wither her and her son instead of at my daughters baseball game. I know it doesnt sound that bad, but during the dream I was so angry and heartbroken that I woke up feeling like I wanted to punch him and cry at the same time. But, today, I tried to not be as angry with him for it. What has happened since the affair is not directly his fault. I know he had the affair and he did this, but it is now up to me to recover. He cant recover for me.
He was sweet in the morning, knowing I was in "a mood" and trying to snap me out of it. I tried to keep myself busy all day, but while doing dishes or driving or any other mundain stay at home mom task, random thoughts of the affair entered my head. While cleaning his fingernail clippings out of the bathroom sink, I thought "would she be as grossed out about this as I am?" While putting his shoes away, I wondered if she would have picked them up every single day without any resentment. While driving to the store, I was thinking about what kind of groceries she planned to buy him during the life they planned to have together. I dont know how or when it happened, but I have gotten used to it taking over my brain. Sometimes, I realize that its been a while since I thought about it and I actually start to think about it again... as though in this sick way, I missed it. Its so bizarre whats continuing to happen... The horrible affair is becoming a part of me.
It reminds me so much of when I lost my dad seven years ago. The mourning, anger, heartbreak is all so similar, except my dad didnt die on purpose. He didnt chose to die, it chose him. Only someone who has dealt with death AND an affair could understand that sometimes the affair hurts more than the death. I miss my dad more than anything, but I dont have a hatred towards him that I have to deal with like I have with my husband.
He came home from work in a fowl mood... an employee screwed up a huge report and he now has to take on the responsibility of fixing it while tending to his other duties. This is crazy, but its almost like his bad mood cured mine. I saw that he needed me, so I perked up and tried to make his evening better. We cant both be in bad moods, so I took one for the team and showed him the love he needed. In return, he recovered from his mood and we actually had a really great night.
This is all so f***ing crazy!!!!
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