The past few days I have been without a computer, writing my thoughts by hand and not able to do my usual internet stalking. Its actually been relaxing. I get my laptop back from the Geek Squad in a few days and, while I will enjoy having it back in my life, I am nervous about wanting to catch up on checking his email, phone records, etc. I have been able to post to this blog from my very ancient PC that is incredibly slow, so typing in my words and waiting for it to load has taken more time away from my day than I am able to spare. What makes me incredibly proud of myself is the fact that of all of the things I am chosing to do with my limited computer/internet abilities I am NOT choosing to disect his life. Thats impressive. I could be on our cell carrier or his email accounts, but instead I chose to continue to try to heal by posting on my blog. Way to go, me!
Today was a rough one in terms of my normal life, but a good one in terms of the affair. My kids were unusually needy, which did not allow me to marinate in all of my drama. I had brief moments when the chaos settled that I thought about it, but my kids and the phone and the washing machine and all of the things and people that needed me today interrupted before it was too damaging. I even managed to eat a ton today! My weight is still low, but my appetite is slowly making its way back to what it once was. I would like to start a normal excercise routine again soon, but my energy level is not high enough just yet and its too damn hot in Texas to really want to do it anyway. The past few days of early workouts with my husband have been great, but left me feeling a little weak and tired. Besides, I havent completely quit the nasty habit of smoking that reered its ugly head at me when this all began, so that was a little difficult to contend with. The disapointment I have in myself for starting up again after over five years is getting to me, but the pain and agony of my husbands betrayal is overshadowing it. Why does it feel so good to do something that is so horrible for my body? Aside from my recently renewed tabacco addiction and the lack of appetite, I have always been very healthy... eating less than 10 grams of fat per meal, snacking in between meals on lots of fruit and veggies and excercising regularly. I miss that part of me. I miss so many parts of me that have seemed to disappear in this. I was once a confident, self assured, energetic woman who was generally happy with her life. Now, I am a scared, frail woman with little self esteem and a general sadness that looms over her during a majority of the day. I miss the old me so very much and long for her to return.
He came home from work tonight and I had to leave instantly, I needed to run a few errands that my kids did not allow me to accomplish today. It was nice to return home to the kids in bed, dinner cleaned up and him ready to spend some time with me. I could tell he missed me and we talked for the next hour or so until we went to bed. No TV, no drama, just us talking about our days and having light, easy conversation.
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