Day Eighty Eight

First thing this morning, he informed me that he was going to dinner with his best friend (who knows about the affair and he and his wife have been a huge support system for us) tonight.  His wife has been out of town and he wanted one boys night before she returned.  I was very okay with it, until he told me where they were going... to a Hooters style restaurant.  I was furious.  I know it seems silly, but given the circumstances and my recent low self esteem about everything about me I wanted him to actually THINK about the restaurant choice he made.  A place filled with young, hot barely dressed women?  I dont think so.  I took a moment to take a shower and reflect about how I was going to approach this without making it an attack.  At breakfast, I simply said "I am upset about the restaurant choice you made for tonight.  I feel less attractive than ever lately and knowing you will be going out gawking at other women is not helping that."  He responded with "I dont think you have anything to worry about."  I mistook that and said "you dont THINK I have anything to worry about?!?!"  I thought he was saying that he didnt think I had anything to worry about in regard to him cheating again, as though he might someday cheat again, but he didnt THINK I should worry.  He was frustrated and left the table, saying "Ugh!  Nevermind, forget it!"  I quickly realized what he was trying to say, that he didnt think I was unattractive.  I tried to tell him, to calm him down and make him realize that I mistook what he said and it upset me.  It took a few moments for him to calm down as well and he said "you are very attractive to me and I am not going to look at other women, I am going to hang out with  my best friend. We only chose this place because its new and thought it would have a fun atmosphere."   Again, he just doesnt get it.  I am not only upset about him wanting to go to this place tonight, I am also upset that it didnt even occur to him that a place like this would make me uncomfortable.  Why cant he think about these things?  

I began crying a little, trying so hard to shield it from my kids.  They were obviously concerned and my four year old yelled at him and said "Daddy, stop making Mommy so sad all the time!"  That was it, I lost it.  I rushed out of the room, told them I bumped my head and tried to compose myself.  I hate that they know what mommy being sad looks like.  I hate that they have to see this.  I hate that someday they might look back and wonder why mommy bumped her head all the time.  He dealt with the kids, who eventually came up and hugged me and kissed my head, to make my boo-boo go away.  After I settled down, he had to leave for work.  He followed me into the laundry room while the kids were watching TV and asked if he shouldnt go at all tonight and apologized for his restaurant choice making me upset.  I encouraged him to go, told him that I am not trying to ruin things and offered to stop sharing my feelings if they were going to always to start an argument.... my intentions are not to always ruin things, but to heal.  Thats it.  I am not trying to control his every move, I just want him to THINK about how his actions effect me.  He sweetly said that I am not ruining anything, that if I have a feeling about something to tell him and that he loved me more than anything.

As the day went on, I realized my crazy showed up a little this morning.  I also realized that he is not the one in constant pain over this, so he is not always thinking about the effects these "little" things can have on me.  Yes, he should be, but I sincerely believe that he is confident that this affair was the last time he intends on hurting me and he just wants to move forward, to a place where this isnt always looming.  We have had some great times recently and he has the ability to pretend like this never happened.  I dont.  I am always thinking about it.  I have even considered some sort of shock therapy to erase the horrible images and thoughts from my head. 

We had a very busy day, with an afternoon work meeting and a little shopping before I picked the kids up.  I texted him that I bought some sexy panties and that started a fun, flirtatious conversation between us.  I felt much better about the morning and even went to bed before he came home that night, for the first time since the affair changed everything.  I think that little bit of normalcy made me sleep like a rock because I didnt even wake up when the house alarm beeped to alert me that he had returned home.  I didnt wake up until he crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around me, then I went right back to sleep.