Sunday. Church. I love going, but there is something about it that makes me really emotional lately. I wish he was one of these good faithful christian men that sit with their arms around their wives and stay true to their vows. I wish he felt a connection with God that would have stopped this all from happening. I wind up spending most of the service with tears slowly running down my cheeks as I try not to break down into convulsing sobs.
After the service, I performed my usual routine... quickly excused myself to the restroom to dry my eyes and pretend as though I didnt cry during the closing songs. I know he knows I am doing it, but I appreciate that he doesnt acknowledge it. It doesnt always need to be acknowledge. Sometimes I just need to suffer in silence and I am pleased that he is starting to realize how to deal with me.
Why I am the one that has to be "dealt with?" I hate being the victim. I didnt do anything wrong and I am suffering every day for this. Its bullshit.
I know its hard! going thru it myself. Just remember that the statistics are actually slightly higher for people in the church. My pastor went thru this as well. we are a 3k plus congragation and when his wife cheated and had the other mans child everybody knew.10 years later they are together and stronger then ever. she leads a group once a month called "heart of a woman" and has been very candid about things. If they made it thru then maybe we can too. by the way..pastor legally adopted little Gabrial. :-). he is the last of the 5 children they have together.
ReplyDeleteBTW..love your blog! Thank you for being so candid about your pain and the emotional rollercoaster this is. It makes the rest of us feel normal when we can all relate to the crazy!