Separation - Day Six

As much I long to write everyday, its impossible.  These past few days have been so hard and busy and crazy and complicated... ugh.  I have been working as much as possible, trying to give my kids some sense of normalcy and trying to figure out all this crap.  By nature, I am a do-er.  I take action.  As I have gone through the last six days I can do nothing but think about ALL of the action that needs to be taken... pack the house, separate our belongings, sell the house, find a new house, save money, work more, etc, etc.  So, being the action taker that I am, I purchased plastic bins for clothing, gathered boxes, started cleaning out closets and filled my car with items to go to the Goodwill.  Boxes for him, boxes for me. This was a mistake... as I was knee deep in the proof of our life together, I couldn't help but sob as I packed away his old beach towels from the stadium he worked at years ago, his bobble head collection, DVD's and video games that he loves, and so on.  His clothes are still in our closet while he is staying at a hotel and all I want to do is rip them from their hangers and hold them close to me.  His cologne is gone and, thus, so is the smell that remains when he leaves for work in the morning.  A smell I am longing for.  My children seem unscathed thus far, but that will change as soon as they realize he may not be coming home... ever.

We have had some pleasant conversations about the kids these past few days, but that just leaves me heartbroken when its over.  During the only conversation we had about us, he admitted that this is much harder than he thought and he does miss me, but his vision is cloudy as a result of the torrential storm we have been through since his affair.  I admitted to my own wrong doings over the past six months... making him feel worthless by constantly griping about how "I do everything around here", creating more guilt in him by blaming everything wrong in my life on his stupid affair and always holding him responsible for my leaving my family and my home.  The truth to it all is that I do acknowledge my role in this.  I am not to blame, but I havent been an angel.  While he was the one who cheated, I am the one who decided to stay and work it out and I have not been making anything easy on either of us. I, admittedly, have wanted him to feel shitty about it, over and over again.  We never stood a chance with that attitude from me.  There needs to be forgiveness on both sides and I have presented a major road block in that, of course he feels shitty... that's what I was trying to achieve!!  Well, be careful what you wish for.  Now he is gone, thinks we don't need or want him and is so filled with guilt that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to get through this and continue building this life together.

This conversation was helpful, though.  I told him that he did need to leave to figure it all out because he obviously wasnt going to do it here.  I told him I was going to stop begging him to come home and stop making him feel guilty for having left.  My role now is to move forward with my children while still hoping this all turns around in the future.  I know he may not ever come home and I am starting to accept that, but I am not giving up hope.  I believe that we can be great again.  This may all fade away as time goes on and I strongly believe that I will be just fine, regardless of the outcome.  My job is giving me strength, a distraction and an independence that I desperately needed throughout all of this.  My kids have been so well behaved and awesome this week, I cant begin to express the love I have for those two.

For now, I am trying to stop with the action until I am more ready for it.  The packing and planning and cleaning is all too much for me.

Day 101 - whatever...

I have finally stopped counting the days and writing regularly.  I cant bring myself to constantly post the same feelings and experiences, as it all is starting to resemble a cycle of some sort… good day, okay day, bad day, so on and so forth.  My pain is still here, although it disappears for longer periods of time these days and my crazy has subsided as well.  It’s not gone, but it seems as though I mostly repeat old crazies, which doesn’t compel me to write nearly as much.  

I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes.  I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office.  I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future. 

I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me.  He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve.  At least that means he didnt love her either, right?  He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart.  To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag.  All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful.  I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve.  I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him?  He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.”  He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through.   Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US.  I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start.  I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it.  I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs.  I realize that is nuts!  I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done.  I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality.  I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself.  He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.

For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having.  Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering.  I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family).  We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair.  Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough.  I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work.  I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me.  I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.

Here’s to hoping!

Day Eighty Eight

First thing this morning, he informed me that he was going to dinner with his best friend (who knows about the affair and he and his wife have been a huge support system for us) tonight.  His wife has been out of town and he wanted one boys night before she returned.  I was very okay with it, until he told me where they were going... to a Hooters style restaurant.  I was furious.  I know it seems silly, but given the circumstances and my recent low self esteem about everything about me I wanted him to actually THINK about the restaurant choice he made.  A place filled with young, hot barely dressed women?  I dont think so.  I took a moment to take a shower and reflect about how I was going to approach this without making it an attack.  At breakfast, I simply said "I am upset about the restaurant choice you made for tonight.  I feel less attractive than ever lately and knowing you will be going out gawking at other women is not helping that."  He responded with "I dont think you have anything to worry about."  I mistook that and said "you dont THINK I have anything to worry about?!?!"  I thought he was saying that he didnt think I had anything to worry about in regard to him cheating again, as though he might someday cheat again, but he didnt THINK I should worry.  He was frustrated and left the table, saying "Ugh!  Nevermind, forget it!"  I quickly realized what he was trying to say, that he didnt think I was unattractive.  I tried to tell him, to calm him down and make him realize that I mistook what he said and it upset me.  It took a few moments for him to calm down as well and he said "you are very attractive to me and I am not going to look at other women, I am going to hang out with  my best friend. We only chose this place because its new and thought it would have a fun atmosphere."   Again, he just doesnt get it.  I am not only upset about him wanting to go to this place tonight, I am also upset that it didnt even occur to him that a place like this would make me uncomfortable.  Why cant he think about these things?  

I began crying a little, trying so hard to shield it from my kids.  They were obviously concerned and my four year old yelled at him and said "Daddy, stop making Mommy so sad all the time!"  That was it, I lost it.  I rushed out of the room, told them I bumped my head and tried to compose myself.  I hate that they know what mommy being sad looks like.  I hate that they have to see this.  I hate that someday they might look back and wonder why mommy bumped her head all the time.  He dealt with the kids, who eventually came up and hugged me and kissed my head, to make my boo-boo go away.  After I settled down, he had to leave for work.  He followed me into the laundry room while the kids were watching TV and asked if he shouldnt go at all tonight and apologized for his restaurant choice making me upset.  I encouraged him to go, told him that I am not trying to ruin things and offered to stop sharing my feelings if they were going to always to start an argument.... my intentions are not to always ruin things, but to heal.  Thats it.  I am not trying to control his every move, I just want him to THINK about how his actions effect me.  He sweetly said that I am not ruining anything, that if I have a feeling about something to tell him and that he loved me more than anything.

As the day went on, I realized my crazy showed up a little this morning.  I also realized that he is not the one in constant pain over this, so he is not always thinking about the effects these "little" things can have on me.  Yes, he should be, but I sincerely believe that he is confident that this affair was the last time he intends on hurting me and he just wants to move forward, to a place where this isnt always looming.  We have had some great times recently and he has the ability to pretend like this never happened.  I dont.  I am always thinking about it.  I have even considered some sort of shock therapy to erase the horrible images and thoughts from my head. 

We had a very busy day, with an afternoon work meeting and a little shopping before I picked the kids up.  I texted him that I bought some sexy panties and that started a fun, flirtatious conversation between us.  I felt much better about the morning and even went to bed before he came home that night, for the first time since the affair changed everything.  I think that little bit of normalcy made me sleep like a rock because I didnt even wake up when the house alarm beeped to alert me that he had returned home.  I didnt wake up until he crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around me, then I went right back to sleep. 

Day Sixty Three

Left for Houston today, had a great 4 hour road trip with the family and an even better dinner out.  I surprised him with a cooler of beer, snacks and a game to play to entertain ourselves while the kids slept in the bedroom at the hotel and he was very touched.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new city… I can do this.  I can be with him and love him and we can get through this.  He proved a lot to me this week with his openness about the party and his email communication with her. 

I am feeling positive and able to reconcile today as we end day one of this little trip... I love that there are no memories of her and him and their filthy little romance anywhere in this city.  Houston is going to be all about OUR memories together, nothing to do with the skank.  I am looking forward to tomorrow and, strangely, to the rest of our lives.  Maybe we do need to move out of Dallas and start fresh in a city that has nothing to do with the affair?  Just being in a new place for half of a day has changed my entire outlook! 

Day Fifty Eight

Sent him off to work this morning with lots of hugs and kisses and an enthusiastic “have a good day!”  I also sent him a text later in the morning that read “I hope you have an amazing, stress free day today!  I love you!”  If I were a dog, I would have peed on him.  I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated so that if he saw her he wouldn’t want her.  Crazy.  I decided not to continue with the zoo farce, so I dropped it.  As I was driving to run errands I contemplated driving the 30 miles to his work to spy on them… the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my kids would have recognized his building and out me.  I am glad they stopped me, I would have reached a new crazy if they hadn’t.

He called me that afternoon to tell me he saw her.... for the first time since my second discovery day.  He had been standing in one of his employees offices when she rounded the corner, saw him there and said “oh, I’ll come back later” and left.  He finished his conversation then went up to his office to call me.  Good boy.  If only I had fully believed him and not pictured a secret rendevoux where they talked about their plans for the future all while f***ing eachother in a dirty broom closet.  But at least he called me.

Day Fifty Seven

We went to his brothers house and let the kids all play themselves to sleep.  We visited with family and he was so tired after it all that he asked me to make the hour drive home.  There was little time to contemplate our relationship throughout the day, which was a nice break, but once everyone fell asleep in the car my mind decided to play catch up.  It was racing with reminders of everything, with emotions in all different directions and endless possibilities… do I stay and work it out?  Do I leave and find myself a man that will ALWAYS love me enough to not do this to me?  Can I watch him fall in love with someone else?  Is that why I am staying, because I don’t want him with anyone else?  There were moments in the car that I wanted to slap him across the face and kick him out on the highway, followed by moments where I wanted him to wake up and hold me like he had the other night. 

All this crazy is exhausting me.  My house is not as clean as it usually is, my kids are more neglected than ever and if I am not writing on this blog or on one of support websites, then I am thinking about the affair in several other ways.  This has officially and totally consumed just about every part of me.  57 days out and it seems like its getting worse. 

When we got home, he put the kids to bed while I got ready for bed.  I checked his phone and saw that he was copied on an email from her that stated that she would be at his work the following day to set up something for the upcoming event.  I decided I wanted to be there too. I told him that our moms club was heading to the zoo the next day and asked if we could stop in for lunch.  He was excited, said “of course!”  In a weird way, I was hoping he would try to stop me, say he was busy or something. I wanted to catch him in something, but I didn’t know what.  I am so used to feeling suspicious that I don’t know how to react when he does something to remove that suspicion.

Day Fifty Six

A horribly hot dallas day… we went swimming, bbqd lunch AND dinner and went out for ice cream after.  We got a lot accomplished while having some good family time.  So far, it looks as though I didn’t ruin the weekend after all, we just had a terrible start.

A friend of mine called whose husband also works for the same company.  There is a going away party for a coworker who just happens to also be friends with the yogurt bitch.  I was going to try to wait and catch him in a lie, but lets face it, my crazy was NOT going to allow that!  I asked about it and he was very open, said he had just received the evite and was going to talk to me about it that night.  A quick search of his phone verified that he had only received the evite thirty minutes ago.  Ok, my crazy is relieved and we went on with the rest of the night.

Day Fifty Three

Fun day today!  I went to my gynecologist to get my annual exam and STD/HIV testing.  Woo hoo.  I had to sign all these forms about HIV testing, endure the questions… “Still married?” “Yes” “Still monogamous?” “No.” Of course I had to offer an explanation, there was no way in hell I was going to let anyone think I was the one who cheated. Then there were the questions on my health, I need to eat more and start taking a vitamin.  She wanted a full work up of my blood and insisted that I return next week to weigh in (to make sure I don’t lose anymore weight) and get the results of the HIV test.  Awesome.  I had to make an appt with the front desk clerk to get my HIV results.  Sweet.

All of this just made me relive that first, horrible day.  Luckily, he was warm and sweet and caring when he came home that night.  We hardly mentioned what I had gone through that day, it was pointless to do so since the entire thing made us both uncomfortable and there was no changing it.  He did this, I am living with the repercussions of it.  Today I knew that he felt bad about it, somewhere in his unemotional, unfeeling self he felt like an asshole.

Day Fifty Two

Tonight was a night I knew was NOT going to go well.  He had been planning a boys night with his visiting friend and I was not happy about it.  We compromised that they would go to a bar for a few drinks, meet his brother for dinner then leave at half time of the game they were watching.  Well, just as I expected, some ridiculous factors forced him to stay through the whole game and get home at almost midnight.  The service was slow at the restaurant.  He claimed that his TWO text messages where him “checking in all night” and thought that his promises that “its never going to happen again, you have nothing to worry about” were enough for me to know that what he was doing was harmless, just drinkin’ with the boys.  Bullshit.  It wasn’t harmless.  He knew how uncomfortable I was with it and he chose his own selfish needs ahead of mine.  Sound familiar?  That’s exactly what he did while he was sneaking around with that dirty little yogurt shop owning slut. 

Well, as one can imagine, a huge fight ensued and I was actually punching the ground with frustration.  He claims he did everything right.  He doesn’t understand what the problem is.  The real problem is that I have gotten myself so worked up that I cant even calm down.  I cry, whisper-yell at the top of my lungs (kids AND overnight visitor are all asleep) and he just lies in bed, watching.  He has no reaction to it (per usual).  THIS is the problem.  He never reacts.  He just sits there. Never shares feelings, never holds me when I am upset.  He just sits there.

I finally conceded only because I was feeling so lonely I would do anything to get him to hold me.  How ridiculous is that?  He doesn’t understand, but am I foolish to expect him to?

Day Fifty

Still searching through phone records.  I woke up realizing that he was late to dinner one night, sitting in his car in the parking lot on a “work” call.  I checked the records and, sure enough, it was her.  I was sitting at a f***ing restaurant while our kids were at playcare waiting for him while he finished a conversation with her.

I wish I could delete the old phone records.  They are causing me unnecessary stress and massive anxiety.  I cant stop looking, though.  I can stop filling in the blanks.  I have a spreadsheet set up with every single phone number he has called and who it belongs to.  The numbers that I have not confirmed owners for have notes next to them so, when/if I do figure out who it is, I can call him on it.  I am waiting to catch him in another lie.  That’s what my life has become.  Sitting, waiting for him to cheat on me again.

Day Forty Eight

Spent the day getting ready for some friends to come over to bbq and swim.  The inaugural swim party!  Again, another day of little thought over what had happened.  The dirty yogurt whore crossed my mind just a handful of times.  When most of our friends had gone home, we stayed and visited with one from out of town who was staying with us that night.  He and my husband have been friends for years, long before me, and talked about jobs, girls, etc.  The whole time I thought about what this man must think of me.  My husband told him about the affair on an earlier beer run and my mind raced… had this friend (not married, no kids, never going to settle down) high five’d him for banging two chicks that the same time?  Did he scold him for ruining his family? 

Day Forty Seven

Spent the day at the conference then headed back to Dallas with my best friend (who lives in Austin) to go to a concert.  Lots of talk and a few tears on the four hour drive, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as our earlier conversations about this mess had been.  I discovered that I did have more hope than I thought.  Maybe we could get through this.  I had missed him these past two days and was looking forward to crawling into bed with him later that night. 

I arrived home, he was asleep and I curled up next to him… a little drunk and tired, I quietly cried myself to sleep.  I love him so much, I am so afraid to lose him yet I cant imagine life going on like this.  How in the hell are we going to get through this?  How can I love him so much after all he had put me through?  Was it him I loved or the person he once was?  Will he ever be the man I need him to be and will I ever forgive him?

Day Forty Six

I left for a conference in San Antonio today.  He is staying with the kids and me and some of my volunteer friends area heading south for a short weekend of no kids, no husbands and no responsibilities.  In the morning, we tried to fool around but the kids woke up… leaving us both a little frustrated.  Throughout the day, we texted eachother back and forth with stimulating sexual innuendos. “You had better try to leave work early to come home and finish what we started this morning… you don’t want me leaving for the weekend like this” he responded with “trust me, I am doing everything I can to get out of here and into you.”  It went on and on until he came home, the kids still napping and we had amazing sex.  It left me feeling empowered, I had never done anything like that before in regard to the text messages. 

My friend and I made the four hour drive and I never thought about the affair again today.  We went out for dinner and drinks with the other volunteers that were in town for the conference and had a great night!  I didn’t even text him good night or anything… I actually forgot about him too.

Day Forty Five

Better day, things are finished for the conference and now I am packing, planning our trip and getting the house clean for the weekend.  I am nervous to leave, nervous he may want to call her or see her.  Nervous that he wont miss me.  I know I am only going for two days, but I hate not being right there with him all the time… he has proven that he cannot be trusted and I cant quite figure out how he is going to prove that he can be.  I don’t really believe anything he says, I try to but I still question just about everything that comes out of his mouth. 

He was sweet tonight, made dinner so I could finish getting ready and we had a few drinks by the pool before heading to bed.  He even told me how much he was going to miss me and how stupid he felt for missing me on a two day trip.  That brought some necessary relief.

Day Fourty Three

Spent the whole day in and out of anger and sadness…

While we were in the middle of intense foreplay I looked at him, his eyes closed and his face showing pleasure and my mind went crazy.  I had flashes of the two of them together, then quick flashes of the two of us.  It was like a scene in a movie, where distorted visions quickly appeared on the screen with angry music playing and harsh images… I saw them naked, together and could actually here the moaning and groaning of sexual satisfaction.  I could hear him telling HER how good it felt, how badly he wanted her and, at the same time, I could see myself at home with our children wondering why he had been so distant, working out and wearing more makeup to be more attractive to him, working around the clock to clean, make his favorite meals and do anything I could to reach out to him, to get him back.  I wondered why his eyes were closed right now, was he thinking about her?  Is this what his face looked like when they were together?  Did she satisfy him more?  Had they lied naked on her couch together, her hand on him and his hands in her like we were laying at this moment?  I couldn’t take it anymore and my body pulled away from him without my even controlling it.  “I cant do this!” I screamed, not even knowing how angry and hurt I was feeling until the words left my mouth.  I lay silently against him, he held me and nobody said a word.  I covered my face, to try to prevent my head from seeing these awful images… these were the most realistic I had seen throughout the past 43 days.  I hate him so much some times, but I have never loved anyone more.  It was several minutes before a sound or movement occurred.  “Please, don’t hurt me ever again” I pleaded.  He responded with “Never again, I promise.”  I wish I believed him.   

Day Forty Two

More lovely information today.  While perusing his personal email account, I discovered that, about three weeks into their relationship (two weeks after they had sex), she had bought him a plane ticket to come home from a business trip a day early.  I picked him up from the airport the day after, thinking he had just stepped off of a plane… instead he had just stepped out of her bed, into her car and kissed her goodbye before coming home to me.  What kind of man does this?!!?!  I then started incessantly searching for more info, but found very little.  I called him, he confessed to it and, annoyed, asked why this was all so important for me to know.  He just doesn’t get it, but can I really expect him to? 

Later that day, as though the earlier information was not enough to send me into near-hysteria, I mentioned to my kids that we would be going to Chick Fil A for a fundraiser this week.  My daughter responded with “I had fun with daddys friend and her baby boy at Chick Fil A last time.”  What the FUCK?!?!?!?!  Daddys “friend?”  I was furious.  Before calling him about it, I checked the bank account, scrolled through several months until found a charge at the Chick Fil A near her business the day after I picked him from the airport when he supposedly had just returned from a trip, not a charge at ANY of the three between our house and there.  Holy Shit.  I text him with what my daughter said and he said “There were lots of moms and kids there, that ones a little out there.”  Lie.  I texted back with my newfound bank information and he never responded.  Called me when he was on his way home and we had it out.  How dare he do this to my kids?!?!  What kind of father is he?  He claimed they only sat near eachother and there was no interaction between her and the kids, which is bullshit.  He said he never wanted the kids to be involved, but he dragged them into it! They had a fucking playdate together while I was at a volunteer meeting singing his praises for taking the kids instead of my having to deal with them at the meeting.  I called after the meeting and offered to meet him at Chick Fil A (assuming it was the one five minutes from our house) and he declined, wanted to meet me at another restaurant for lunch.  He took a while to get there and I hadn’t thought anything of it. 

Again, I am sick with images… these ones are worse.  Images of her talking to my kids, seeing him as a father, and watching them all interact.  Him playing with her son, her playing with  my kids all the while I am oblivious.  She was probably sitting there when I called, which is why he was so distant.  What did he say to her when we hung up?  “My horrible wife wants me to come home… sorry.”  Did he tell her that when he told me he loved me, it was a lie?  Sick.  Absolutely sick.

As we lay in bed, he seemed upset.  He admitted how terrible he felt that our four year old remembered that and brought it up.  He never wanted them involved, he thought it was harmless.  Harmless is not a word that can be used to describe ANY of this.

Day Forty One

Failure.  I couldn’t help it today.  I had a stupid question about the affair and it sat in my head all day, marinating in my crazy and I couldn’t help but ruin our evening with it.  It was such a stupid question that I would rather forget it and not write it down.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I actually read about hypnotherapy on the internet today, considering for a moment what it would be like to hypontise this shit out of my head.  I realize its not possible, but it sure feels good to think about a life where this is not always present, making me crazier. 

The day was great, though.  Our family has gotten much closer through out this, we have spent so much quality time together (and eaten so much ice cream!).We went to church, then a rare trip to the grocery store where he got to finally see what monsters our kids turn into during the painful process of stocking our home with food. After, we went to the park to enjoy the last bit of decent weather before summer starts then spent the rest of the day getting odds and ends done around the house.  It really was a beautiful Sunday, just like they are supposed to be in families who dont betray eachother and ruin everything for some rich little skank.  These thoughts are the ones that stupidly made me bring up the infamous question that sent this beatiful Sunday careening down a steep hill, on fire, into a pit of burning lava.   

The evening sucked, for lack of a better word, but at least the day was great.

Day Thirty Nine

Well, today was a success!  I didn’t bring it up and, with that, I didn’t think about it as much.  Sure, I had my moments while I folded his underwear that I thought about another woman seeing these, ripping them off of his body.  I sat down to a lonely lunch and invisioned them in the throws of passion in a broom closet while I was calling or texting him and he wasnt responding.  After the kids woke up from their naps, I had a moment where I thought about the words "thanks for the amazing sex" that started this all for me, but just a little moment.  I was, for the most part, able to push all of those thoughts out of my head before they did too much damage to my day.  The day ended with a nice evening, nothing spectacular, but it felt great to not have the affair be as much a part of our relationship today. 

Day Thirty Eight

Today I decided to try to stop punishing him.  I have to.  The more I punish him, the shittier I feel and that’s not going to get either of us anywhere.  I don’t want a miserable life, I want a happy one.  The only way to achieve that is to stop with the anger and constant conversations.  My goal… one week of NOT talking about it with him.  I wont bring her or the affair up for one week.  My expectations are fairly low, but  I am going to try anyway.  I cant continue life like this, something has to change.  I cant change what he did, so I will challenge myself to change what I do.  Challenge accepted.

Day Thirty Seven

In the morning, I felt like I was hit by a truck… As I was getting ready for the day, I thought about the nights he was with her on his business trip to St Louis.  He texted me “good night, I love you” while he was with her.  Even that was a lie.  He didn’t love me, not enough to turn away from her.  Not enough to not sleep with her.  He probably told her he loved her that same night.  He claims he didn’t mean when he said it to her, but he didn’t mean it with me either. As he got ready for work this morning, I watched him dry off with a towel and thought about how she had seen him in that exact same way… nobody else was ever supposed to see him like that.  Nobody else as ever supposed to know the patterns of hair on his chest and see his body in its entirety.  Nobody else was supposed to have their hands on the parts of his body that I stared at.

As the day went on, I forced myself to be more hopeful.  I tried to look forward to our life together rather than back on this awful event.  This worked well enough, I was very productive and even had a decent lunch! 

I just want him with me all the time.  Not because I want to know where he is or what he is doing, but because I need him to comfort me in those moments of realizations.  I want him to love me all day, show me affection and make me feel great about myself.  I want him to tell me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to live without me.  I want him to tell me he’s sorry and that he regrets everything he has done.