Day Forty Five

Better day, things are finished for the conference and now I am packing, planning our trip and getting the house clean for the weekend.  I am nervous to leave, nervous he may want to call her or see her.  Nervous that he wont miss me.  I know I am only going for two days, but I hate not being right there with him all the time… he has proven that he cannot be trusted and I cant quite figure out how he is going to prove that he can be.  I don’t really believe anything he says, I try to but I still question just about everything that comes out of his mouth. 

He was sweet tonight, made dinner so I could finish getting ready and we had a few drinks by the pool before heading to bed.  He even told me how much he was going to miss me and how stupid he felt for missing me on a two day trip.  That brought some necessary relief.

Day Thirty Nine

Well, today was a success!  I didn’t bring it up and, with that, I didn’t think about it as much.  Sure, I had my moments while I folded his underwear that I thought about another woman seeing these, ripping them off of his body.  I sat down to a lonely lunch and invisioned them in the throws of passion in a broom closet while I was calling or texting him and he wasnt responding.  After the kids woke up from their naps, I had a moment where I thought about the words "thanks for the amazing sex" that started this all for me, but just a little moment.  I was, for the most part, able to push all of those thoughts out of my head before they did too much damage to my day.  The day ended with a nice evening, nothing spectacular, but it felt great to not have the affair be as much a part of our relationship today. 

Day Thirty Two

I read about Hysterical Bonding today… its when the sex after dday is amazing and you are “reclaiming” what is yours.  It scared the shit out of me.  Is that what all that great sex was about?  I thought it was about the massive amount of honesty we shared and hopes for the future. What if that part is over now, will he still love me?  Is that what brought him to realize that he loves me?  We had amazing sex the first two nights he was back from his trip… will that even continue?  I have really tried to keep up with our sex life throughout this and he has been very understanding that what he is getting from me is much more than he expected or deserves.  I don’t want a relationship built on great sex… I want to build great sex on our relationship.

I asked him about it.  I read to him what I had read about it, he disagreed. He, again, told me that he is getting much more action than he expected or deserved and that he would be fine if we ceased all sexual activity for a while, to make sure I know its not about that.  Finally, he said exactly what I needed him to say at exactly the right moment.  

Day Thirty

I really thought that this was going to be a terrible day… the anniversary of my original discovery day.  But, my kids and I kept busy and we had a pleasant evening as a family, dinner outside in gorgeous weather, bedtime was more fun than it had been in a while and he and I really enjoyed each others company after.  I never even realized what day it was until I sat down to write before bed.  That has got to be a step forward, right? 

Day Twenty Nine

Day two of the work week and we are nearing the one month anniversary of my discovery day (as its referred to on infidelity support websites).  I cant believe its almost been a month.   One of the worst months of my 32 years.  Please, please, please, God, tell me that this will get easier.  Tell me that the month of May will one day NOT be filled with grief and sadness. Show me strength and the ability to trust this man.  I cant stop thinking about the deleted messages from his computer last night.  I cant get this feeling out of my gut.  I cant stop perusing the internet, searching for as much information as I can get my hands on about her… I would love to get her home phone number to compare it to the phone numbers on our cell bill, but her soon to be ex husband is a police officer so that’s impossible.  I check the phone records regularly, looking for more secrets and am not satisfied when I find nothing.  I am convinced he is still lying, but I take a deep breath and try to convince myself that he couldn’t possibly be THAT bad of a person that he would continue to lie to me.  He wants to work it out.  He wants only me.  He wants only me.  He wants only me. 

Day Twenty Three

Not a horrible day, I actually accomplished quite a bit.  I had a few good meals and even went most of the day without feeling sick.  The evening was a different story, more conversations about the horrible thing he did.  I am constantly playing a timeline back in my head and have concluded that every time I thought he was distant, it was because he didn’t want to be with me.  He preferred her.  He would text on the couch, with his body turned away from me.  It was probably her.  He rarely sat next to me, he never kissed me when he came home from work and seemed hardly interested in sex, turning down my advancements on more than one occasion.  I cant stop berating him with my anger.  I cant stop trying to make him feel horrible, its not even intentional… I just want somebody to hurt as bad as I do. 

We went off to bed and tried to fool around, while his fingers were inside me I wretched.  I couldn’t stop playing back in my head pictures of him in her body.  How did she taste?  What did she do for him?  What did they say in throws of passion?  He stopped and asked if I was ok, I said no.  We lay there for a bit and talked, I tried to push the awful images out of my head but they just kept rushing back.  Finally, we kissed a little, then a lot.  He said “We can just kiss, its ok” and with that, those few words, I felt safe with him for a moment.  I felt aroused at that and we had great sex, close sex, the kind where your bodies are so close that you feel like one person.  But, as soon as we were finished, I wondered if they had ever had that, had they ever made love like that?

Day Eighteen

Spent the day with my sister and a good friend, having lunch, shopping and getting pedicures.  They both were so very supportive, urging me to work it out, telling me that he was not a bad man, but a good man who did a bad thing.  Unfortunately, they don’t even know the half of it.  As far as they know, he slept with her for two weeks and still talked to her after he told me he wasn’t.  They don’t know that he told her he loved her, that they had plenty of things to keep them occupied for the next “50 years” and that he led her to believe that he was leaving me.  I couldn’t bare to have them see him the way I had to.  I hadnt told them what had happened a few days ago.

They both had so many encouraging things to say… if he could change into a man who could do this to his family, then he could change back into the man he once was.  A quote from my grandma… “People always say that people don’t change, but that’s all people do is change.”  He is not a man who would tell me he is in love with me and 150% committed to our relationship if he didn’t really mean it.  Most importantly, if he does this again he is gone and he realizes this and wont do it again, for fear of losing me… the woman he really does love.

After our day of pampering, my sister and I went out for cocktails and I had a renewed sense of faith in our relationship and the prospect of rekindling our love, that was once true and real.  It can get there.  Perhaps it may even be better.  That’s what the wine convinced me of, at least.