Day Forty Four

Busy day, practically had a nervous breakdown over finishing a lame project for the upcoming volunteer conference this week.  I don't know what is going on with me, I usually THRIVE under pressure.  Now, pressure is too much for me to handle.  I yelled at my kids for no reason, I cried over a scrapbook page I needed to finish and almost lost my mind over a misplaced pair of scissors.  I texted him and told him I was losing it, wanting him to feel horrible about it, about causing it. 

I don’t know how to NOT want to punish him regularly.  I don’t know how NOT to bring it up constantly.  I don’t know how to do this.  I am so scared that he will never be the man he should be.  I am so afraid of losing him, but I always think about how okay I would be if he were gone.  I often think about dating and how that would be.  I think about the kids and how they wouldn’t even realize he was gone because he works so much.  I think about a life back home in Washington where I have an amazing support group and TONS of sitters so I can date again.  I also think about the pain and agony of seeing him regularly and the loss I would feel if he were gone.  What if he started dating before me?  That would kill me.  I cant imagine him with anyone else, nor do I imagine myself with another man.  Ultimately, while I try to think of spending my life with another person, I cant shake the feeling that he is the one I want.  But, why do I want a man that would do this to me?

Day Twenty Seven

We woke up cuddling and loving eachother.  We had breakfast as a family and went to church, for the first non-holiday service we have ever attended.  At church, I prayed for strength and the ability to keep my mouth shut for one whole day.  I swore to God that I would not bring up the affair, not ask any of the questions that had weighed on my mind and enjoy my family as much as I could.  I was successful!  We spent the entire day together, a trip to the library, lunch at a restaurant, watched last nights movie while the kids napped then ran some errands, had dinner and went out for ice cream.  It was one of the greatest days we have had, with only a few moments of silent sadness on my part.  I quietly worked through the rushes of doubt and depression that I felt throughout the day and powered through the images.  I only hope that every day in our future will be this way, minus the moments of silence I had to take to get through my emotions. 

I realize that he must heal as well.  He feels terrible about it and I cant continue to make him feel worse.  I wish he could feel the way I do, for just a moment, to see how badly I hurt and how horribly I feel about myself.  He cant.  He will never know this because I will never do this to him.  But, I cant berate him with my sadness, I need to find out a new way to deal with this that no  longer effects him.  I checked out books from the library on how to deal with infidelity and I will read them and learn from them.  I must allow him to heal, no matter how hard that is. 

Day Twenty Six

His homecoming day!  In the morning I felt excited about it and that’s good… right?  I wanted him home, back in our bed and not because I wanted to know where he was but because I just wanted to be with him.  I am trying to come up with ways that we can have a weekend away together, but our kids are so young that its hard to find an overnight sitter.  I want to start activities together, like couples personal training (we both love to work out) or bowling or something that he and I can do without the kids.  I am looking forward for the first time. 

We picked him up from the airport and enjoyed an ice cream treat on our way home, then put the kids to bed and sat to watch a movie.  We were both so exhausted from the last few days that we fell asleep in eachothers arms on the couch within twenty minutes of the movie starting. 

Day Twenty Four

Today I sent him off on another business trip, back to St Louis where the affair traveled with him.  They stayed in a hotel together, spent a night in each others arms and I am left with the visions of it all.  Dinner out together, waking up with each other, a little action before the workday started, a trip to the zoo together while I was visiting family in Washington. My dead fathers birthday and he wasn’t even thinking about me.  A huge fight with my mother and he was with her when I needed him to be there for me.  He chose her over me.  He chose her over our children.  How do I sleep tonight knowing he is in the hotel where they spent such enchanted fucking evenings together?!?! She slept in the same bed as the pillow he travels with, the pillow that lives in our bed.  I realized that he had, for the first time, asked for a new pillowcase before the trip he took her on.  Gross.  He was preparing to be with her, to share a bed with her while we were standing in our bedroom with our children.  Now, he is in a city where I have never been, where there are only memories of her all around him.  I realized that, at a time when they were probably in bed together, I was singing his praises to my girlfriends about him and our life together.  What a fool I am.

So, I took this opportunity to search his car.  I looked at every piece of paper, every little piece of trash to search for clues that he is still talking to her.  I found a tshirt from the yogurt shop she owns, which I threw away, and that was it.  While it was anticlimactic, it was also a little bit of reassurance.  Either he is done or he is much better at hiding it. 

The day went on in a blur… I tried so hard to not think about any of this and concentrate on our children.  My poor kids have no idea whats going on, but they sense the tension and my absence and are acting out as a result.  They did not deserve this.

When they talked about spending their lives together, did they even consider the kids?  Does this girl know how hard it is to have TWO kids, let alone three (adding in her young son)?  Were they going to get custody then hire a fancy nanny to care for my kids while I was stuck in an apartment somewhere pining for my children?  Do they even know what to do with my daughters incredibly curly hair?  How about my sons excema… were bleach baths or oatmeal creams in their future too?  She told her mom about him.  He was excited that she did, wondered what she said.  This was a few days before he chose me. 

A late night phone conversation brought on more tears and anger.  I realized that several weeks ago when I called him from WA while she was visiting him in St Louis, I was crying and upset that he had the entire day off and never contacted me.  During this, he just sat on the other end of the phone, not saying much.  I was begging and pleading with him that I needed him and I loved him and I wanted to get through what we were referring to as our “disconnect” and he said very little, quietly.  She was there, with him.  I poured my heart out that day and she was sitting there, in my relationship, damaging my family and my soul and nobody showed any signs of guilt.  He said to me, in our conversation tonight, that he is sick of talking about it all the time.  Doesn’t he realize that I am much more sick of LIVING it?!?!?

Day Twenty Three

Not a horrible day, I actually accomplished quite a bit.  I had a few good meals and even went most of the day without feeling sick.  The evening was a different story, more conversations about the horrible thing he did.  I am constantly playing a timeline back in my head and have concluded that every time I thought he was distant, it was because he didn’t want to be with me.  He preferred her.  He would text on the couch, with his body turned away from me.  It was probably her.  He rarely sat next to me, he never kissed me when he came home from work and seemed hardly interested in sex, turning down my advancements on more than one occasion.  I cant stop berating him with my anger.  I cant stop trying to make him feel horrible, its not even intentional… I just want somebody to hurt as bad as I do. 

We went off to bed and tried to fool around, while his fingers were inside me I wretched.  I couldn’t stop playing back in my head pictures of him in her body.  How did she taste?  What did she do for him?  What did they say in throws of passion?  He stopped and asked if I was ok, I said no.  We lay there for a bit and talked, I tried to push the awful images out of my head but they just kept rushing back.  Finally, we kissed a little, then a lot.  He said “We can just kiss, its ok” and with that, those few words, I felt safe with him for a moment.  I felt aroused at that and we had great sex, close sex, the kind where your bodies are so close that you feel like one person.  But, as soon as we were finished, I wondered if they had ever had that, had they ever made love like that?

Day Twenty One

After an amazing family day at the zoo, then some shopping we came home and the kids and he played in the backyard while I vacuumed the living room.  While moving the vacuum across the floor, I saw it.  His work laptop staring me in the face with his work email open, the only thing I couldn’t access on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to ruin the day, but feared it might be my only chance to catch him in a lie, which is my new hobby. 

I started looking through more emails, sent ones from his work computer.  I found out MORE lies.  She was with him on a business trip at the beginning of March, stayed for three days.  He had a day off on that trip and he was with her.  He told her he loved her.  He made promises of a life with her.  I discovered that the sexual relationship was MUCH longer than two weeks, the original lie.  Its all lies.  I cant do this anymore.  Shaking, I left the house, drove to the grocery store and bought a four pack of small chilled wine bottles, a pack of cigarettes and a cup to pour the wine in then sat in a desolate park and cried.  Once I realized that I was about to start feeling the effects of the wine I returned home and snuck into the backyard to try to figure this all out.  How can he tell me he loves me and bold face lie to me?  How can this all be happening?!?!?!?!?  I understand that what I found was just more intimate details of what I already knew, but he still keeps lying.  I asked if she was in St Louis, he said no.  She was. I asked if they ever went out anywhere, he said no.  They did.  I asked if they spent the night together, he said no.  They did.  He told me that every sexual encounter took place at his work, he lied. So, when I ask if they have talked recently, do I believe him?  How do I get there?  How do I move past this when there are still so many lies out there?

We talked about the information I found, he told me it was pointless to be searching.  Apparently he doesn’t understand that I am not only looking for proof that he is still cheating, I am also looking for proof that he ISNT.  He is sneaky and a liar… I have to make sure I cover all of my bases. He snuck around behind my back for TWO months, lied, had a fucking mini vacation with her and came home to me.  I have no idea what he is capable of and I have to search everything to make sure he is not still doing this.  I am also looking for the truth about my life for those two months where everything was a lie.  When he came home and didnt kiss me its because he wanted to kiss her.  When we had sex he wanted her.  How do I get to a place where I feel that I am the only one he wants?

Day Twenty

Family Sunday.  The kids woke up and we had breakfast, went to church and hung out with his family.  His mother is still in town (until tomorrow morning) and we invited his brother and his family to our house to swim and have dinner.  It was nice, I’ll admit, to pretend that nothing was wrong especially since he was so affectionate and loving that I had a few brief moments during the day where I felt almost a little happy.  Unfortunately, those moments were few and fleeting.  It gave me hope, though.  Maybe as the days go on, I will gradually feel better, have longer and more frequent moments of happiness and maybe, just maybe, go a whole day without imagining their naked, sweaty bodies bumping up against one another while they orgasm and his fluids rush into her body instead of mine. An entire day without thoughts of his love confessions to her and of his chosing to be with her over me.  24 hours without moments of realizations about the absolute lie that my life was for two months.  One day without wondering if I chose the wrong man.

Day Nineteen

Its time to go home.  Back to him, back to our home, our life, our children.  My flight is horrendous, more turbulence than I have ever experienced, which is definitely ironic, since the life I was returning to was going to be much worse.

I walked into my house, which had been adequately cleaned and all preparations for the following days family dinner had been taken care of, and I felt strange.  A stranger.  I didn’t really feel like I belonged there.  I wanted to get right back on a plane and go home to Washington, where I belong.  Then I considered my two babies, peacefully sleeping and excited about mommy coming home… THIS is where I need to be.  We went to bed and he held me so tight, the whole night.  I wanted to feel safe with him, to feel loved.  I searched and searched for those feelings until the melatonin pill that I have used for sleeping kicked in and I fell asleep in his arms.

Day Seven

My sisters mission in all of this is to get me moving.  Out of the house, out running errands, taking the kids to the park… whatever!  We took a much needed trip to the grocery store, then paid attention to the kids.  I even made it a playgroup with all of my friends and took a picture of our son playing the drums and sent it to him.  He was so thankful for the picture, surprised that I would think to do that.  I did it out of habit.  I was in a fake good place in front of my playgroup friends and believed it for a moment. 

The evening went on like all of the others... put the kids to bed, drink wine and talk about it all.  No new developments, just a new sadness that is slowly taking over my body and my life.  I still cant eat, I have lost about five pounds in seven days, my heart races constantly and I am prone to sudden outbursts of both tears and uncontrollable anger.  He says he hasnt spoken with her, that its over.  He says he loves me, but still doesnt feel "in love" with me and he wants to move past the affair and fall back in love with me. I am hurting over the affair and now over his inability to be in love with me.  Shaking, I finally make it to sleep and dream of being with him at a wedding, then I am unable to find him.  I finally locate him in the bathroom with some girl named Tina (we dont even know a Tina).  I wake up sweating at 3am and cry until 5, when I get up to start the coffee.

Day five

A sad, sad morning.  Made the kids pancakes and all they did was talk abouit daddy.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “Daddy fucked some other bitch!  Don’t you get that?!?  He is not worth your praise!!!” but I didn’t.  I told them how much he loved them and missed them and would never do anything to hurt them, even though he already had.

The day was spent in another daze, just trying to concentrate on my kids… my wonderful little reminders of the life their father destroyed.  Every night since this all began, we have ritually opened a plastic easter egg with a message from daddy.  Horrifying.  Every single night I have had to be reminded of what a great man he could have been had he not done all of this. 

The only saving grace to today was picking up my sister from the airport, except I decided to take his car instead of mine.  I sat in it, staring at the leather seats and looking for sex stains and dirty underwear.  I could only picture naked bodies rolling around the inside of a car that had previously only ever had my naked body in it.

Day Four

The reinforcements are on their way!  My best friend is making a 4 hour drive from Houston to spend the weekend saving me and my sister is flying from Washington tomorrow night for a week long assistance visit… assisting me in getting on with my daily life, not ignoring my kids and trying to put the pieces back together or build a new puzzle without him. 

The day was spent cleaning and getting ready to loaf around and sulk with my two best friends.  Busy days are the best anymore, they give me less chance to let it all sink in.  The evening turned into a drinking/smoking bitch-fest between two childhood friends, which was exactly what I needed.  We talked about all of his issues, came to terms with the fact that he may not be capable of loving me the way he should, went over the details that I was aware of and came up with strategies… work it out strategies and leaving him strategies.  We focused on all of my great qualities that any man would be lucky to have as a part of his life.  We cried, we got angry and we made off color jokes about the situation. 

I finally didn’t feel alone, I felt full of worth and great things and I realized that, should I decided to do so, I can go on without him.  I will be okay, dammit!  Its too bad that once I went to our bed, was in our bedroom and around his things I literally cried myself to sleep… waking several times in the night with a horrible feeling in my gut and an intense sadness.  I am thankful for those few hours of hopefulness that I felt, but wish they would have allowed me to sleep.

Day Three

This is the day that reality has set it.  I woke up feeling betrayed and lost.  I had to get out of the house, we needed groceries and I needed a reason to get dressed.  Big mistake.  I drove like a zombie, which was probably a bit dangerous for my kids.  As we walked through two different stores grabbing a handful of items from each, I worried that every girl I passed was her.  I thought about the details of their torrid affair, the long conversations they had while I sat at home taking care of our children and house.  I thought about how life would be without him.  I wondered if they would be together if I left him. All of this while ushering my four year old nad two year old through the Dollar Store and Target.  I made purchases I didn’t need and forgot the important ones I went there for.  I cried for a moment when a silly item reminded me of a once happy memory, which now made me sad.  I finished the shopping, drove through and purchased a bag of grease for my kids to eat for lunch and ran to my quiet home, which I vowed to never leave again.  At least not until I had to. 

I remained a zombie the rest of the day.  I stopped talking to my girlfriends for the afternoon as I was tired of talking about everything.  I had yet to have a full meal so I felt a little weak and crazy, so I tried to stomach a little food and tried to give my kids as much attention as I could. 

Today, I want to work it out.  I want to continue my life, I don’t want to turn it upside down.  I want to fight for this relationship that I spent the past five years building.  I want my kids to grow up never knowing that this happened.  I want to go to counseling and I don’t want him to move out.  But… how do I send him off to work everyday, knowing she’ll be there.  Knowing that that’s where they had sex.  Again, so confused.

Day Two

I poured my coffee, popped an advil and glanced in the mirror.  My face was swollen from the constant crying and lack of sleep, my eyes were bright red and my expression showed a broken, sad, mangled mess of a woman.  I had two hours to pull myself together before a friend dropped her 5 year old off for me to watch for the day.  In the midst of my morning routine, I went to text him as I usually do when I awake and he is gone.  This time I didn’t know what to say.  I thought about “Fuck You,” but realized that was a little harsh for me to type at 645 am.  I wanted to write “I love you and I miss you and I want this to all have never happened” but thought he was getting off too easy.  So, I settled with “I slept horribly… the wind was blowing and my mind was racing. You?”   He responded saying he slept horribly and I suggested that we write eachother letters over the next few days, putting on paper our feelings, plans for the future and anything else that we needed to get off of our chests.  He agreed and promised to get to work on it that evening.

Somewhere in the morning I decided to try on different hats throughout the next few days.  Today, I would wear the “Lets work it out” hat and see how it fits.  Tomorrow, the “Get the hell out and write me child support checks” hat.  And, if I am so inclined, one day maybe the “lets pretend he’s dead” hat.

The best thing that happened to me that day was that I didn’t flake on my friend when it came to watching her son.  I was forced to wear more of a smile and interact with the kids (ages 5, 4 and 2!).  The day consisted mostly of playing, eating and cleaning up from the playing and eating.  It kept me busy and I was actually able to eat a little and get my mind off of yesterdays massive betrayal.  I had a friend planning on driving up from Houston that Friday and my sister was flying in from Washington that Saturday to help me and be with me and support whatever decision I was going to make. I felt a little better, honestly.  I felt more in control and was able to stop picturing that naked whore with her body pressed against my husbands, well maybe to not picture it as much. 

That night took a turn for the worse. I spoke to him and he informed me that he had talked to the bitch and broke it off… again, in my masochistic quest for information I asked how she took it.  He said she cried.  She cried.  Which only means that it was more than sex, it was a relationship.  While it was a short relationship (my cyber stalking gave me phone records that indicated two months of regular lengthy phone calls between them, totaling over 700  minutes each month) it was enough to cry over.  I went to bed wondering what they talked about, what her expectations were and if she was actually going to be around forever.  What if she was pregnant?  He claimed to have used protection, but was that enough?  Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep.

Today, I have no clue what I want or should do.  My heart and my head are both sleep deprived and hungry, thus they are not communicating with me.  I am so confused.