Day Fifty Eight

Sent him off to work this morning with lots of hugs and kisses and an enthusiastic “have a good day!”  I also sent him a text later in the morning that read “I hope you have an amazing, stress free day today!  I love you!”  If I were a dog, I would have peed on him.  I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated so that if he saw her he wouldn’t want her.  Crazy.  I decided not to continue with the zoo farce, so I dropped it.  As I was driving to run errands I contemplated driving the 30 miles to his work to spy on them… the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my kids would have recognized his building and out me.  I am glad they stopped me, I would have reached a new crazy if they hadn’t.

He called me that afternoon to tell me he saw her.... for the first time since my second discovery day.  He had been standing in one of his employees offices when she rounded the corner, saw him there and said “oh, I’ll come back later” and left.  He finished his conversation then went up to his office to call me.  Good boy.  If only I had fully believed him and not pictured a secret rendevoux where they talked about their plans for the future all while f***ing eachother in a dirty broom closet.  But at least he called me.

Day Twenty Eight

He’s back at work and I am back to my daily grind of parenting, errand running and managing the house.  It’s a cold rainy day and I have an important volunteer meeting to prepare for, which allows me to get my mind off of the affair and the fact that he is back at work, with a telephone I cant monitor in one of the places he used to have sex with her.  I still have so many questions… what was she going to tell her mother about?  Why has he ever seen her house when this supposedly only took place at work?  Has he ever done this before her?  What about those weeks after our first child was born when he withdrew just like he did when he started seeing her?   Was there someone else?  I couldnt help but dissect our entire relationship. 

We settled down after we put the kids to bed and he took his work computer out.  I noticed that an opened window that had been minimized was title “Deleted Messages” and I panicked.  What was he deleting?  What was he hiding?  Were they in contact?  My heart raced and I, instead of asking in anger, waited a moment to compose myself. I asked and he explained that he had had to delete a bunch of large sent emails to free up space on his work email.  What I wanted was for him to open the window and show me, without my having to look like the crazy one and open it for him.  He didn’t. His email filling up has been an issue with his work email account for years, and while I didn’t believe him I decided to take his word for it.  He cant possibly want to hurt me anymore than he has.  He is not the same man who did this, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Day Twenty One

After an amazing family day at the zoo, then some shopping we came home and the kids and he played in the backyard while I vacuumed the living room.  While moving the vacuum across the floor, I saw it.  His work laptop staring me in the face with his work email open, the only thing I couldn’t access on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to ruin the day, but feared it might be my only chance to catch him in a lie, which is my new hobby. 

I started looking through more emails, sent ones from his work computer.  I found out MORE lies.  She was with him on a business trip at the beginning of March, stayed for three days.  He had a day off on that trip and he was with her.  He told her he loved her.  He made promises of a life with her.  I discovered that the sexual relationship was MUCH longer than two weeks, the original lie.  Its all lies.  I cant do this anymore.  Shaking, I left the house, drove to the grocery store and bought a four pack of small chilled wine bottles, a pack of cigarettes and a cup to pour the wine in then sat in a desolate park and cried.  Once I realized that I was about to start feeling the effects of the wine I returned home and snuck into the backyard to try to figure this all out.  How can he tell me he loves me and bold face lie to me?  How can this all be happening?!?!?!?!?  I understand that what I found was just more intimate details of what I already knew, but he still keeps lying.  I asked if she was in St Louis, he said no.  She was. I asked if they ever went out anywhere, he said no.  They did.  I asked if they spent the night together, he said no.  They did.  He told me that every sexual encounter took place at his work, he lied. So, when I ask if they have talked recently, do I believe him?  How do I get there?  How do I move past this when there are still so many lies out there?

We talked about the information I found, he told me it was pointless to be searching.  Apparently he doesn’t understand that I am not only looking for proof that he is still cheating, I am also looking for proof that he ISNT.  He is sneaky and a liar… I have to make sure I cover all of my bases. He snuck around behind my back for TWO months, lied, had a fucking mini vacation with her and came home to me.  I have no idea what he is capable of and I have to search everything to make sure he is not still doing this.  I am also looking for the truth about my life for those two months where everything was a lie.  When he came home and didnt kiss me its because he wanted to kiss her.  When we had sex he wanted her.  How do I get to a place where I feel that I am the only one he wants?

Day Fourteen

Today blew up bigger than any other day.  I had a terrible feeling that he was still lying, especially after I confronted him about his phone being locked.  I kept thinking about it, what is he hiding?  Well, I found out.  I asked for his email password and found it.  MORE emails.  More lies.  He told her he loved her the morning before we had sex (Day 9).  He saw her on Saturday, instead of being at work but was texting me and brought me dinner that night.  She thinks they are going to be together.  She asked him to move up his counseling appt, because he probably told her that he was going to leave me.  Then, he finally tells me everything I have wanted all along… He IS in love with me, he wants to be with me, he will do anything for me, he doesn’t love her.  He chose me.  The problem is that I don’t even know if I want him anymore. So, I called her.  She answered and I professionally introduced myself and asked questions… did she love him?  Did she want to be with him?  Did she know we had sex that weekend?  How did she feel about him coming home to have sex with me?  I then informed her that he loved me, only me and that she meant nothing to him.  I told her that he was standing in front of me and not even trying to get the phone out of my hand while I belittled and insulted her.  How did that make her feel?  “He doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t watch me do this to you” She said nothing.  I asked what kind of mother she was to her own child that she would allow my children to go through this?  To try to take away my kids’ father from them?  She said nothing, so I told her she had been no help and hung up.  We then had a full on domestic violence situation… I wailed on him.  I bruised many parts of my body by constantly beating on him, I wanted him to hurt.  I couldn’t even cry.  That’s the scariest part.  He chased me around the house trying to pry the laptop out of my hands, trying to hide MORE from me.  After a long battle for the laptop, one that ended with my daughter waking up and me telling him to be a good father and get her, I locked myself in my car in the garage and read.  I found more emails, more information about this so called “two week fling.”  It was so much more than that.  So much more.  He has been to her house.  He called her “my love” after I found the initial amazing sex text message.  I left the car, laptop in tow, and ran at him like a crazy person.  More rage, more violence and more lies.  This is not a person that I ever thought I could be.  He just sat there and took it, covered his face when he needed to but never once lifted a hand to hit me back or even stop me.

Things settled down.  I ran for my pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine and went to the back porch.  Luckily my kids slept through it all and did not have to witness what I had witnessed as a child.

 He sat there, scared.  Not of me, but of losing me.  Or maybe of getting caught in more lies.  He informed me that she comes from an incredibly wealthy family and he was more attracted to her life than her as a person.  While I hate her more than anything for allowing this to happen and trying to take a man away from his family, I hate him even more for being attracted to her money.  This girl thought he loved her, she felt good about it and had hopes for their future, but it was all about money.  I come from a mobile home in Washington, my mother is a teacher and my dead father was a small business owner… a small business with a very small income.  Is he ashamed of my family?!?!  My family that has loved him and accepted him, even though he knocked me up a few months into our relationship.  My family has been more to him than his family has ever been to me.  They love him as much as they love our blood relatives and are happy to do whatever they can to see us regularly and help out where needed. Why is that not enough for him?  No, my mom is not a mayor, my dad could never be found on forbes.com and instead of a 7000 sq ft home with three pools, they modestly live in 1800 sq ft with an above ground pool.  Money?!?!!  THAT was the motivator?!?!  He said he could see a better future for our kids in that family… what would that family do better with my daughter than they did with theirs?  She is a little slut who f****d a married man and thought nothing of it.  She is dirty and broken.  How would they influence my son?  To spend all of his time building an empire and working, not spending any time with his family?  When things get tough with whatever lucky woman he marries, just go have an affair instead of being a REAL man and facing your problems head on?  My kids deserve better than all of that.

After a long conversation that was filled with lies, I made him call her to end it and I was going to watch the whole thing.  Unfortunately, I let him off the hook by inadvertently breaking up with her for him because she hung up on him both times he called.  He then began begging me not to go on my trip the next day.  What?  And stay here?  No way in hell.

I am feeling more alone, scared and broken than I ever have.  This whole time, the last 14 days, he has been talking to her.  He saw her on Day 12 before he came home to ME.  He lied.  He continued to f***ing lie to me.  I leave for Washington tomorrow and am so afraid I am not going to want to be with him.  I am afraid that his lies have been too much for my little heart to overcome. 

Day Twelve

Today my sister, my rock, leaves.  I have to do this without her wisdom and guidance and I am afraid.  Twelve days ago he shattered my soul and I now I have to be around him, alone in our home, for the first time since.  He works tonight, then he takes the kids tomorrow to see his brother while I get ready for my trip home to Washington on Tuesday.  I took my sister to the airport and returned exhausted, not ready to do this alone.  He surprised me with how attentive he was, offered to bring me dinner on his way home from work, picked up beer and cuddled with me on the couch.  He seemed different, in a good way. Less withdrawn and more present.  I asked him to come to bed with me, instead of staying in the spare room and he declined. I asked him to “tuck me in” and he said he would but never showed. Again, his phone was with him all day and I have a feeling in my gut that says that this is weird, but I have to at least try to believe him when he says he isn’t doing anything wrong.

Day Eleven

Daddys home.  The day was long and tiring.  I emotionally prepared for his arrival, knowing that I had to pretend to be much more excited than I was (for the kids' sake) yet I actually felt a little excited.  The future is so unclear, he doesn’t even know if he wants to be with me, but at least he is home.  Not with her.  I left for the evening so he could be with the kids and not feel awkward, for them.  I returned to find him asleep on the couch and wanted so badly to curl up next to him. He woke up for a bit and hung out with my sister and I, we were drunk and he enjoyed our silliness.  He went to bed with his phone, which I thought was strange.  No, I am being crazy.  He couldn’t possibly be hiding any more from me.  My sister reassured me that he was probably just a little "gun shy" with it being his first night home.  This whole thing has made me question everything...