Day Forty Four

Busy day, practically had a nervous breakdown over finishing a lame project for the upcoming volunteer conference this week.  I don't know what is going on with me, I usually THRIVE under pressure.  Now, pressure is too much for me to handle.  I yelled at my kids for no reason, I cried over a scrapbook page I needed to finish and almost lost my mind over a misplaced pair of scissors.  I texted him and told him I was losing it, wanting him to feel horrible about it, about causing it. 

I don’t know how to NOT want to punish him regularly.  I don’t know how NOT to bring it up constantly.  I don’t know how to do this.  I am so scared that he will never be the man he should be.  I am so afraid of losing him, but I always think about how okay I would be if he were gone.  I often think about dating and how that would be.  I think about the kids and how they wouldn’t even realize he was gone because he works so much.  I think about a life back home in Washington where I have an amazing support group and TONS of sitters so I can date again.  I also think about the pain and agony of seeing him regularly and the loss I would feel if he were gone.  What if he started dating before me?  That would kill me.  I cant imagine him with anyone else, nor do I imagine myself with another man.  Ultimately, while I try to think of spending my life with another person, I cant shake the feeling that he is the one I want.  But, why do I want a man that would do this to me?

Day Twenty Eight

He’s back at work and I am back to my daily grind of parenting, errand running and managing the house.  It’s a cold rainy day and I have an important volunteer meeting to prepare for, which allows me to get my mind off of the affair and the fact that he is back at work, with a telephone I cant monitor in one of the places he used to have sex with her.  I still have so many questions… what was she going to tell her mother about?  Why has he ever seen her house when this supposedly only took place at work?  Has he ever done this before her?  What about those weeks after our first child was born when he withdrew just like he did when he started seeing her?   Was there someone else?  I couldnt help but dissect our entire relationship. 

We settled down after we put the kids to bed and he took his work computer out.  I noticed that an opened window that had been minimized was title “Deleted Messages” and I panicked.  What was he deleting?  What was he hiding?  Were they in contact?  My heart raced and I, instead of asking in anger, waited a moment to compose myself. I asked and he explained that he had had to delete a bunch of large sent emails to free up space on his work email.  What I wanted was for him to open the window and show me, without my having to look like the crazy one and open it for him.  He didn’t. His email filling up has been an issue with his work email account for years, and while I didn’t believe him I decided to take his word for it.  He cant possibly want to hurt me anymore than he has.  He is not the same man who did this, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.