Day Thirty Five

Woke up refreshed and ready to move forward with him.  After a somewhat amazing weekend, I felt reassured that he loved me, confident that we could get through this and hopeful for the future.  I went to a playdate, ran some errands and had energy!!  THEN, I stupidly snooped and found an archived conversation between them on facebook…

Her: “Hope your having a super day”

Him? “What? You hope me and Kendall had a great day together?  What does that mean?”

Her: “No.  I hope you did something to make you happy. What did you guys do?  Watch TV, sit on the couch?”

Him: “Something like that, but all I wanted to do was talk to you”

Her: “Can you get away and call me for a few minutes?” 

Her: “Hello?!?!”

Somewhere in there I must have finally grabbed his attention or complained about the computer being open OR sat close enough to him that I threatened their privacy.  Either way, it was sneaky and it just brought to light the fact that he would rather have been with her that night.  I remember that night… I remember sitting on the couch asking him to do a puzzle with me, wanting him to pay attention to me and wondering what I had done to make him not want to be near me anymore… all the while wearing a sexy nightgown with the hopes of connecting with him physically that night.  I was wearing his favorite nightgown and he was wanting to be with her.  Stomach ache, heart racing, head pounding… my usual bodily responses started up and I texted him about it, asking for him to say something amazing.  His response: “I am sorry I said that and I am sorry you found it.  I am leaving soon to be with you, I love you!”  Perfect.  Except, it doesn’t really matter… my body already responded and the words are engraved in my brain.  All I wanted to do was talk to you.  All I wanted to do was talk to you.

Day Twenty Eight

He’s back at work and I am back to my daily grind of parenting, errand running and managing the house.  It’s a cold rainy day and I have an important volunteer meeting to prepare for, which allows me to get my mind off of the affair and the fact that he is back at work, with a telephone I cant monitor in one of the places he used to have sex with her.  I still have so many questions… what was she going to tell her mother about?  Why has he ever seen her house when this supposedly only took place at work?  Has he ever done this before her?  What about those weeks after our first child was born when he withdrew just like he did when he started seeing her?   Was there someone else?  I couldnt help but dissect our entire relationship. 

We settled down after we put the kids to bed and he took his work computer out.  I noticed that an opened window that had been minimized was title “Deleted Messages” and I panicked.  What was he deleting?  What was he hiding?  Were they in contact?  My heart raced and I, instead of asking in anger, waited a moment to compose myself. I asked and he explained that he had had to delete a bunch of large sent emails to free up space on his work email.  What I wanted was for him to open the window and show me, without my having to look like the crazy one and open it for him.  He didn’t. His email filling up has been an issue with his work email account for years, and while I didn’t believe him I decided to take his word for it.  He cant possibly want to hurt me anymore than he has.  He is not the same man who did this, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.