Six and a half months out

I cannot believe that its been 6 1/2 months since my heart was so brutally ripped out of my chest and violently stomped on... what a whirlwind.  Strangely, I don't think of the affair as often as I thought would at this point and my marriage has improved in certain areas.  We communicate better and are more honest with one another, our sex life is perfect, we enjoy each others company more and we make more efforts to remove the kids from our lives for short periods of time. I would have liked it if this improvement was brought on after a less traumatizing event, but if there is anything I have learned from all of this is that I cant live in the "what if"'s of life and I certainly cant continue to wish that things hadn't happened.  Had it not been for my LAST failed marriage, I may not have ever met my husband or had my children.  I am not so delusional that I am searching for a silver lining here, I am just realistic about our lives being mapped out by something greater than us and I am trying to roll with it the best I can.

My current situation is much less tumultuous.  The fighting and anger have subsided a lot and I am starting to feel that I can actually live a normal life.  I would have never thought I would be able to get to this point and I honestly didn't expect it to ever occur, but its almost here. I really thought that I would go through the motions of giving it a year and I would wind up walking away, but I am more certain that we can get through this together. I am still deathly afraid sometimes that he is still with her and I have a massive amount of anger towards her (I even posted a nasty anonymous comment about her yogurt stands sweet tea pickles at the Texas State Fair this year and sent a group of drunken girlfriends to her yogurt shop at Grapevine's Grapefest this year).  This, too, is slowly fading.  I still struggle with my appetite and smoking (a habit I happily quit when I was pregnant with my oldest 5 years ago and picked up again when my husband cheated), but that too is improving.  I haven't lost anymore weight, but am struggling to gain the few pounds I need to be healthy. 107 pounds at 5'5" looks much more sickly than I imagined it would!  I left my work at home job and got a part time position at a local playcare facility so I don't have to leave my kids but still bring in money (part of which I am hiding in case this does all go south).  Working outside my house has been a relief... it fills my days so I don't get stuck in my head so much and it gives me a sense of worth that I had been lacking.  I had never planned to be a stay home mom and I really think it changed me.  I needed to get back the working part of myself without compromising the precious time I have with my kids, especially with my daughter starting kindergarten next year.  My husband has seen a change in me as well, which has made this all easier on him.  I KNOW, it shouldn't be easy for him at all... but it has to get easier for everyone or we will never move past this.  He no longer feels like he ruined me, and that's important no matter what happens next.

He is a different story.  One night we went out for drinks for my birthday and the you-know-what hit the proverbial fan.  I really thought he was leaving.  He said he still didn't love me the way I deserve and was struggling with the feelings he was having.  He couldn't even bring himself to write me a card for my birthday, knowing how important that is to me.  I simply informed him that he loves me more than he thinks he does.  That sounds like a scene out of a B rated stalker film, but its true.  His dad died when he was 10 and his mother never attempted to remarry or date or anything... thus leaving a boy to never know what a real relationship looks like.  He thinks its butterflies and roses all the time.  Its not.  I come from a broken divorced home but still managed to spend a considerable amount of time with friends families to see what happens when love and life and kids collide to bring about an amazing friendship that can conquer anything thrown at it and still is attractive when naked, even after two kids.  THAT'S my idea of true love.  My best friend, my co-parent, my confidant and my lover... all rolled into one aging, adorable man who needs me as much as I need him.  He doesn't even know what he has and I am making it my mission to show him how great we can be together, even on the heels of HIS affair.  I deserve a fucking medal for this.  I am putting my own drama aside (which is much more selfish than it sounds) and focusing on him realizing how much he truly does love me.

Please don't stop reading my blog once you read that last statement.  I know it sounds ridiculous... I happen to be a very intelligent woman who loves her family more than anything and I have this weird little feeling in my gut that tells me that there is more to this relationship and I feel strongly about wanting to try to show him what love is.  I realize that I might very well be completely and totally unsuccessful in this, but its worth a shot.  I am at a point now that I KNOW I will be okay, no matter what.  I have seen a support system in my life that I never knew existed and I feel empowered... I know I can do this without him, but I am choosing to do this with him.  This is a choice and I reserve the right to change my mind and kick his ass to the curb if the need arises.

Since my birthday/epiphany things have been pretty great.  I stopped asking why he didn't kiss me as soon as he walked in the door, I stopped saying I love you all the time (realizing that I only said it to hear him reciprocate), I stopped bombarding him with my crazy as soon as it reared its ugly head and I started living my life for me and it has changed him too.  He is starting to see me as the capable, successful woman I was when we first met.  I feel powerful and amazing.   I want nothing more than to live my life with him, but I am going to be totally okay if he bails.

Day Eighty Eight

First thing this morning, he informed me that he was going to dinner with his best friend (who knows about the affair and he and his wife have been a huge support system for us) tonight.  His wife has been out of town and he wanted one boys night before she returned.  I was very okay with it, until he told me where they were going... to a Hooters style restaurant.  I was furious.  I know it seems silly, but given the circumstances and my recent low self esteem about everything about me I wanted him to actually THINK about the restaurant choice he made.  A place filled with young, hot barely dressed women?  I dont think so.  I took a moment to take a shower and reflect about how I was going to approach this without making it an attack.  At breakfast, I simply said "I am upset about the restaurant choice you made for tonight.  I feel less attractive than ever lately and knowing you will be going out gawking at other women is not helping that."  He responded with "I dont think you have anything to worry about."  I mistook that and said "you dont THINK I have anything to worry about?!?!"  I thought he was saying that he didnt think I had anything to worry about in regard to him cheating again, as though he might someday cheat again, but he didnt THINK I should worry.  He was frustrated and left the table, saying "Ugh!  Nevermind, forget it!"  I quickly realized what he was trying to say, that he didnt think I was unattractive.  I tried to tell him, to calm him down and make him realize that I mistook what he said and it upset me.  It took a few moments for him to calm down as well and he said "you are very attractive to me and I am not going to look at other women, I am going to hang out with  my best friend. We only chose this place because its new and thought it would have a fun atmosphere."   Again, he just doesnt get it.  I am not only upset about him wanting to go to this place tonight, I am also upset that it didnt even occur to him that a place like this would make me uncomfortable.  Why cant he think about these things?  

I began crying a little, trying so hard to shield it from my kids.  They were obviously concerned and my four year old yelled at him and said "Daddy, stop making Mommy so sad all the time!"  That was it, I lost it.  I rushed out of the room, told them I bumped my head and tried to compose myself.  I hate that they know what mommy being sad looks like.  I hate that they have to see this.  I hate that someday they might look back and wonder why mommy bumped her head all the time.  He dealt with the kids, who eventually came up and hugged me and kissed my head, to make my boo-boo go away.  After I settled down, he had to leave for work.  He followed me into the laundry room while the kids were watching TV and asked if he shouldnt go at all tonight and apologized for his restaurant choice making me upset.  I encouraged him to go, told him that I am not trying to ruin things and offered to stop sharing my feelings if they were going to always to start an argument.... my intentions are not to always ruin things, but to heal.  Thats it.  I am not trying to control his every move, I just want him to THINK about how his actions effect me.  He sweetly said that I am not ruining anything, that if I have a feeling about something to tell him and that he loved me more than anything.

As the day went on, I realized my crazy showed up a little this morning.  I also realized that he is not the one in constant pain over this, so he is not always thinking about the effects these "little" things can have on me.  Yes, he should be, but I sincerely believe that he is confident that this affair was the last time he intends on hurting me and he just wants to move forward, to a place where this isnt always looming.  We have had some great times recently and he has the ability to pretend like this never happened.  I dont.  I am always thinking about it.  I have even considered some sort of shock therapy to erase the horrible images and thoughts from my head. 

We had a very busy day, with an afternoon work meeting and a little shopping before I picked the kids up.  I texted him that I bought some sexy panties and that started a fun, flirtatious conversation between us.  I felt much better about the morning and even went to bed before he came home that night, for the first time since the affair changed everything.  I think that little bit of normalcy made me sleep like a rock because I didnt even wake up when the house alarm beeped to alert me that he had returned home.  I didnt wake up until he crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around me, then I went right back to sleep. 

Day Eighty Four

Since he worked so late last night, we didnt wake up early to work out.  In fact, we woke up to chaos.  Our son wet his bed and our daughter had a bloody nose.  He dealt with the pee and I the crime scene in my daughters room... he rushed to get ready for work and have breakfast while I attempted to get everyone ready for the day and wash the sheets and pajamas.  In the chaos of the morning I saw teamwork between us that I hadnt seen in a long time.  It was nice.  Strangely, the pee and blood and drama set our day up to be a pretty good one.  He left for work in a chipper mood, ready to face the day... I mean, after our morning, anything seemed easy and possible! :)

I received several text messages from him and he called from work a few times throughout the day.  I could get used to this attention.  He worked late again, this time at a catering event so I was nervous all night, wondering if they were together.  He texted me a lot from the event and even sent a random picture under the guise of showing me a table centerpiece that he liked, but I know he was just proving to me where he was.  Again, he is doing all the right things.  He came home and we went straight to bed, he was exhausted.  As I lay in bed, I realized that I really missed him these past few days while he was working late.  If I can still miss him, I can get through this, right?

Day Eighty One

Woke up from another horrible dream... this is starting to become a frequent, and disturbing, trend. In this particular dream my daughter was playing in her first teeball game and I was trying to get a hold of him, but he was avoiding me.  I later found out that he was wither her and her son instead of at my daughters baseball game.  I know it doesnt sound that bad, but during the dream I was so angry and heartbroken that I woke up feeling like I wanted to punch him and cry at the same time. But, today, I tried to not be as angry with him for it.  What has happened since the affair is not directly his fault.  I know he had the affair and he did this, but it is now up to me to recover.  He cant recover for me. 

He was sweet in the morning, knowing I was in "a mood" and trying to snap me out of it.  I tried to keep myself busy all day, but while doing dishes or driving or any other mundain stay at home mom task, random thoughts of the affair entered my head.  While cleaning his fingernail clippings out of the bathroom sink, I thought "would she be as grossed out about this as I am?"  While putting his shoes away, I wondered if she would have picked them up every single day without any resentment.  While driving to the store, I was thinking about what kind of groceries she planned to buy him during the life they planned to have together.  I dont know how or when it happened, but I have gotten used to it taking over my brain.  Sometimes, I realize that its been a while since I thought about it and I actually start to think about it again... as though in this sick way, I missed it.  Its so bizarre whats continuing to happen... The horrible affair is becoming a part of me. 

It reminds me so much of when I lost my dad seven years ago.  The mourning, anger, heartbreak is all so similar, except my dad didnt die on purpose.  He didnt chose to die, it chose him.  Only someone who has dealt with death AND an affair could understand that sometimes the affair hurts more than the death.  I miss my dad more than anything, but I dont have a hatred towards him that I have to deal with like I have with my husband.

He came home from work in a fowl mood... an employee screwed up a huge report and he now has to take on the responsibility of fixing it while tending to his other duties.  This is crazy, but its almost like his bad mood cured mine.  I saw that he needed me, so I perked up and tried to make his evening better.  We cant both be in bad moods, so I took one for the team and showed him the love he needed.  In return, he recovered from his mood and we actually had a really great night. 

This is all so f***ing crazy!!!!

Day Seventy Nine

Happy birthday to him.  I spent the day cleaning and preparing for friends to come over to bbq and drink and swim and have a good time… He and his brother went out for a few drinks before our friends came over and he completely ignored me once he returned home.  He was in his “host” mode which is normal, but this time it pissed me off.  I wanted him to thank me for all I had done, I wanted him to include me in all of his conversations and I wanted him to want to be as close to me as possible… I realize now that all of that was CRAZY, but at the time it slowly ate away at me, making me crazier and crazier as time went on.  Once it was time to put the kids to bed, I snapped.  Broke down, told him that he was ignoring me and being mean and, the second it all left my mouth, I realized how nuts I sounded.  Why am I on this mission to sabatoge everything? 

We actually had a pretty good night after that.  He seems to be fairly understanding of my crazy and allowed me to have it, then apologize, then go on with the night like it didn’t happen.  He was more attentive to me after that, made efforts that were unlike him and made me feel like he understood what I was going through and was not going to walk away.  That’s what I need from him and he delivered.  Good boy.

Day Seventy Six

An early morning text from him read “I am so glad corporate is gone, I can finally get stuff done… like text you how much I love you! J”  It made my day… well, until I started going through the phone records again. 

He was busy all day, more than he thought he would be and it brought on the crazy!  A late afternoon phone call from him sent my crazy into hyper mode and we had it out.  I told him I didn’t believe him that he wasn’t with her still and the more I started talking about my new “realizations” the crazier they sounded to me.  What am I doing?!?!?!  I am nuts and a little embarrassed about it.  I cried, whined and then, in a flash, started apologizing for my behavior.  I must have scared him a little, because when he came home he didn’t really know what to do with me and seemed rather uncomfortable around me.  I simply told him that I was embarrassed and didn’t want to discuss it any further.  He was very much okay with that and we called it a day. 

I can only imagine how crazy I must seem... I guess I should give him credit for sticking this out this long with me.  If he didnt love me, he wouldnt still be putting up with this all so well.  He takes it, just as he took the physical violence on those awful discovery days a few months ago.  He knows he did this and he wants to fix it. 

Day Seventy Five

Day two of corporate at work, no contact again until they left at 4pm.  He text me that he had gotten a really high score on his audit and was very excited about it!  While he text me, my crazy took over and I was searching through phone records that they said he was in Irving (where she lives) when he should have been at work.  I don’t know how accurate these records are, especially since there were times it said he was in Irving only 4 minutes after he was in Dallas, then he was supposedly back in Dallas a few minutes later.  The ones that concerned me were the ones where there was very little contact with anyone, just missed calls, for extended periods of time stating he was in Irving.  Soooo… in my crazy, I texted him asking if he was still seeing her.  Then sent another begging him to be honest, that I could handle it.  This, of course, got me a phone call and he seemed really shocked, but asked where I got that info.  My biggest fear is not that I caught him cheating, but that I gave up a very valuable source of information that could have one day REALLY caught him.  He swore up and down that it was over, there was no contact and he would try to find me proof that he was in Dallas during those times.  He looked up sent emails, his schedule, everything he could to try to prove it to me.  What really sucks is that all of those emails could have been sent from his laptop anywhere and just because there is a meeting on his schedule, doesn’t mean there actually was.  I have to make the decision to believe him. 

I actually apologized to him for bombarding him with it during this big event and right after such good news.  I realized, even in the midst of my crazy, that I needed to be there for him if I want him there for me.  It’s a two way street… even if he cheated.  I made the decision to work it out and I need to make more attempts to accomplish that, or its never going to work.

Day Sixty Nine

He left REALLY early this morning, but was sweet about it. He was a lot quieter than he usually is and made it a point to stop and kiss me several times.  This is what I want.  I want him to do little things like that to show me that I am the one on his mind. 

After a busy day of summer acitivities with the kids, we were all exhausted and had a low key evening at home.  When I am really tired is when I think the most.  My mind seems to overcompensate for my body and has more energy that ever.  I didn’t make anything special for dinner and ignored the fact that my kids needed a bath.  He came home just before bed and offered to put the kids down while I took a nice relaxing shower, which he offered to join me in but I declined.  I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to be near him, but he sensed that and wouldn’t leave me alone.  He stayed near me, paying attention to me, until my crazy left and I allowed him to love me.  I don’t think he realized what had happened, that his attentiveness is what got me out of it.  I contemplated telling him, but he needs to figure it out on his own.  He needs to look deeper into this and make his own realizations… I am so sick of realizing things for everyone all the time.

Day Fifty Eight

Sent him off to work this morning with lots of hugs and kisses and an enthusiastic “have a good day!”  I also sent him a text later in the morning that read “I hope you have an amazing, stress free day today!  I love you!”  If I were a dog, I would have peed on him.  I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated so that if he saw her he wouldn’t want her.  Crazy.  I decided not to continue with the zoo farce, so I dropped it.  As I was driving to run errands I contemplated driving the 30 miles to his work to spy on them… the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my kids would have recognized his building and out me.  I am glad they stopped me, I would have reached a new crazy if they hadn’t.

He called me that afternoon to tell me he saw her.... for the first time since my second discovery day.  He had been standing in one of his employees offices when she rounded the corner, saw him there and said “oh, I’ll come back later” and left.  He finished his conversation then went up to his office to call me.  Good boy.  If only I had fully believed him and not pictured a secret rendevoux where they talked about their plans for the future all while f***ing eachother in a dirty broom closet.  But at least he called me.

Day Fifty Seven

We went to his brothers house and let the kids all play themselves to sleep.  We visited with family and he was so tired after it all that he asked me to make the hour drive home.  There was little time to contemplate our relationship throughout the day, which was a nice break, but once everyone fell asleep in the car my mind decided to play catch up.  It was racing with reminders of everything, with emotions in all different directions and endless possibilities… do I stay and work it out?  Do I leave and find myself a man that will ALWAYS love me enough to not do this to me?  Can I watch him fall in love with someone else?  Is that why I am staying, because I don’t want him with anyone else?  There were moments in the car that I wanted to slap him across the face and kick him out on the highway, followed by moments where I wanted him to wake up and hold me like he had the other night. 

All this crazy is exhausting me.  My house is not as clean as it usually is, my kids are more neglected than ever and if I am not writing on this blog or on one of support websites, then I am thinking about the affair in several other ways.  This has officially and totally consumed just about every part of me.  57 days out and it seems like its getting worse. 

When we got home, he put the kids to bed while I got ready for bed.  I checked his phone and saw that he was copied on an email from her that stated that she would be at his work the following day to set up something for the upcoming event.  I decided I wanted to be there too. I told him that our moms club was heading to the zoo the next day and asked if we could stop in for lunch.  He was excited, said “of course!”  In a weird way, I was hoping he would try to stop me, say he was busy or something. I wanted to catch him in something, but I didn’t know what.  I am so used to feeling suspicious that I don’t know how to react when he does something to remove that suspicion.

Day Fifty Six

A horribly hot dallas day… we went swimming, bbqd lunch AND dinner and went out for ice cream after.  We got a lot accomplished while having some good family time.  So far, it looks as though I didn’t ruin the weekend after all, we just had a terrible start.

A friend of mine called whose husband also works for the same company.  There is a going away party for a coworker who just happens to also be friends with the yogurt bitch.  I was going to try to wait and catch him in a lie, but lets face it, my crazy was NOT going to allow that!  I asked about it and he was very open, said he had just received the evite and was going to talk to me about it that night.  A quick search of his phone verified that he had only received the evite thirty minutes ago.  Ok, my crazy is relieved and we went on with the rest of the night.

Day Fifty Four

Today, I got a “hows your day?” call, several text messages AND a proposition for a date night!  He suggested taking the kids to playcare and going out to dinner, but didn’t know where.  We decided to take the day to think about it… I quickly scheduled a shower and hair drying session in my day and got to work getting the kids excited about playcare.  A few hours later, I get another call suggesting that we take the kids to the horse races for one last time before the season ended.  I wish he would have wanted to have a date with me more than he wanted to do this, but I was also excited about the races.

The night was good, he seemed a little distant but I knew he was tired.  As we drank a few beers I started to feel crazy and kept asking if he was okay, pouting that he wasn’t really paying any attention to me.  We were picnicking on the grass, the kids were enjoying themselves with other children and he was focusing more on the races and watching the kids than on spending time with me.  While I know this is totally normal for a family outing, it still made me crazy.  On the way home we started talking about it (well, I started talking about it) and he said I needed to move on from it all.  WE needed to move on.  I tried to explain that it was difficult when he was distant and that everytime he seems that way I wonder if hes thinking about her or the affair or some other girl.  He then said to me “I’ve moved on. I only think about it when you bring it up” after I told him I think about it all the time and I cant figure out why he seemed so unscathed by it all.  That sent me into tears, silently crying as my kids fell asleep in the back seat.  Of course, he was his usual self… looking straight ahead and appearing to pretend that I wasn’t there.  It just made me feel more crazy.  What is he thinking?  Why wont he tell me?  I have this picture of him in my head thinking to himself “why wont she just let it go?  Why is she so dramatic?  Jeese… just STOP crying you pathetic idiot!”  I wish I knew what was in his head.

After putting the kids to bed we talked… again.  It seems to be all we do anymore.  Sitting on the couch, him talking a little, me talking a lot and lots of crying (for me).  I broke down, a ball on the floor… “why did you do this to me?” I wept over and over.  He finally got up, came over to me and held me while I cried.  He eased my crazy for a moment and I began to feel so safe while in his arms.  Why doesn’t he understand that I need to be in those arms?  I need him to make me feel safe and warm and loved and he just clams up, unable to move and unable to comfort me until I am on the verge of leaving, then he springs into action. I wish he knew that had he done that hours ago, when I first showed signs of crazy, we could have salvaged the evening.

Day Forty Four

Busy day, practically had a nervous breakdown over finishing a lame project for the upcoming volunteer conference this week.  I don't know what is going on with me, I usually THRIVE under pressure.  Now, pressure is too much for me to handle.  I yelled at my kids for no reason, I cried over a scrapbook page I needed to finish and almost lost my mind over a misplaced pair of scissors.  I texted him and told him I was losing it, wanting him to feel horrible about it, about causing it. 

I don’t know how to NOT want to punish him regularly.  I don’t know how NOT to bring it up constantly.  I don’t know how to do this.  I am so scared that he will never be the man he should be.  I am so afraid of losing him, but I always think about how okay I would be if he were gone.  I often think about dating and how that would be.  I think about the kids and how they wouldn’t even realize he was gone because he works so much.  I think about a life back home in Washington where I have an amazing support group and TONS of sitters so I can date again.  I also think about the pain and agony of seeing him regularly and the loss I would feel if he were gone.  What if he started dating before me?  That would kill me.  I cant imagine him with anyone else, nor do I imagine myself with another man.  Ultimately, while I try to think of spending my life with another person, I cant shake the feeling that he is the one I want.  But, why do I want a man that would do this to me?

Day Forty One

Failure.  I couldn’t help it today.  I had a stupid question about the affair and it sat in my head all day, marinating in my crazy and I couldn’t help but ruin our evening with it.  It was such a stupid question that I would rather forget it and not write it down.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I actually read about hypnotherapy on the internet today, considering for a moment what it would be like to hypontise this shit out of my head.  I realize its not possible, but it sure feels good to think about a life where this is not always present, making me crazier. 

The day was great, though.  Our family has gotten much closer through out this, we have spent so much quality time together (and eaten so much ice cream!).We went to church, then a rare trip to the grocery store where he got to finally see what monsters our kids turn into during the painful process of stocking our home with food. After, we went to the park to enjoy the last bit of decent weather before summer starts then spent the rest of the day getting odds and ends done around the house.  It really was a beautiful Sunday, just like they are supposed to be in families who dont betray eachother and ruin everything for some rich little skank.  These thoughts are the ones that stupidly made me bring up the infamous question that sent this beatiful Sunday careening down a steep hill, on fire, into a pit of burning lava.   

The evening sucked, for lack of a better word, but at least the day was great.