As much I long to write everyday, its impossible. These past few days have been so hard and busy and crazy and complicated... ugh. I have been working as much as possible, trying to give my kids some sense of normalcy and trying to figure out all this crap. By nature, I am a do-er. I take action. As I have gone through the last six days I can do nothing but think about ALL of the action that needs to be taken... pack the house, separate our belongings, sell the house, find a new house, save money, work more, etc, etc. So, being the action taker that I am, I purchased plastic bins for clothing, gathered boxes, started cleaning out closets and filled my car with items to go to the Goodwill. Boxes for him, boxes for me. This was a mistake... as I was knee deep in the proof of our life together, I couldn't help but sob as I packed away his old beach towels from the stadium he worked at years ago, his bobble head collection, DVD's and video games that he loves, and so on. His clothes are still in our closet while he is staying at a hotel and all I want to do is rip them from their hangers and hold them close to me. His cologne is gone and, thus, so is the smell that remains when he leaves for work in the morning. A smell I am longing for. My children seem unscathed thus far, but that will change as soon as they realize he may not be coming home... ever.
We have had some pleasant conversations about the kids these past few days, but that just leaves me heartbroken when its over. During the only conversation we had about us, he admitted that this is much harder than he thought and he does miss me, but his vision is cloudy as a result of the torrential storm we have been through since his affair. I admitted to my own wrong doings over the past six months... making him feel worthless by constantly griping about how "I do everything around here", creating more guilt in him by blaming everything wrong in my life on his stupid affair and always holding him responsible for my leaving my family and my home. The truth to it all is that I do acknowledge my role in this. I am not to blame, but I havent been an angel. While he was the one who cheated, I am the one who decided to stay and work it out and I have not been making anything easy on either of us. I, admittedly, have wanted him to feel shitty about it, over and over again. We never stood a chance with that attitude from me. There needs to be forgiveness on both sides and I have presented a major road block in that, of course he feels shitty... that's what I was trying to achieve!! Well, be careful what you wish for. Now he is gone, thinks we don't need or want him and is so filled with guilt that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to get through this and continue building this life together.
This conversation was helpful, though. I told him that he did need to leave to figure it all out because he obviously wasnt going to do it here. I told him I was going to stop begging him to come home and stop making him feel guilty for having left. My role now is to move forward with my children while still hoping this all turns around in the future. I know he may not ever come home and I am starting to accept that, but I am not giving up hope. I believe that we can be great again. This may all fade away as time goes on and I strongly believe that I will be just fine, regardless of the outcome. My job is giving me strength, a distraction and an independence that I desperately needed throughout all of this. My kids have been so well behaved and awesome this week, I cant begin to express the love I have for those two.
For now, I am trying to stop with the action until I am more ready for it. The packing and planning and cleaning is all too much for me.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Separation - Day Two
This morning it hit me like a freight train. He is leaving. My face is swollen from crying, my bed is lonely since he has been sleeping in the guest room and my house feels cold and sad. He is making arrangements to stay at our friends hotel until he finds an apartment and we attempted to work out the new budget last night.
Before he left for work this morning, I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider. I have all these plans in my head and I don't want to change them. Our disneyland vacation next summer, his favorite pies and meals I was going to make, the Christmas morning surprises for our children... its all fading away. I want this to all go away, I want him here. I want him to want to be here. He doesn't. He wants to be "in love" and he doesn't know what that feels like.
To give you a little history on him and his issues with being "in love," he called off a wedding to a woman years ago after they had been together for five years because he wasn't in love with her, they had to turned into good friends. He lost his father to cancer at ten years old and his mother never remarried, so he was never exposed to the workings of a functioning relationship. His brother is married to a woman that nobody understands or sees how he can possibly love her, so my husband doesn't believe its true love. He doesn't understand that the spark of love ebbs and flows as life changes and will always return, if you work to make it happen. He doesn't get that being married to your best friend is what most people dream about, not the constant butterflies in your stomach love that fades as you become real people to each other.
I don't think he is in contact with the Cassie the yogurt whore, or anyone else for that matter. He feels as though he has disappointed his family in an unforgivable way and told me he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself for it and he doesn't think he deserves it. If he is in contact with her, then he is truly a monster and I will pack up my kids and head back home without his permission, because we all deserve someone better than that, but I feel confident that he is NOT that man.
Today hurts. It feels real and its happening. I want to crawl back into my giant sad bed and cry my eyes out, but I have to work and care for my children who do not deserve any of this. That seems to be the theme of this blog... my children do not deserve this.
Before he left for work this morning, I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider. I have all these plans in my head and I don't want to change them. Our disneyland vacation next summer, his favorite pies and meals I was going to make, the Christmas morning surprises for our children... its all fading away. I want this to all go away, I want him here. I want him to want to be here. He doesn't. He wants to be "in love" and he doesn't know what that feels like.
To give you a little history on him and his issues with being "in love," he called off a wedding to a woman years ago after they had been together for five years because he wasn't in love with her, they had to turned into good friends. He lost his father to cancer at ten years old and his mother never remarried, so he was never exposed to the workings of a functioning relationship. His brother is married to a woman that nobody understands or sees how he can possibly love her, so my husband doesn't believe its true love. He doesn't understand that the spark of love ebbs and flows as life changes and will always return, if you work to make it happen. He doesn't get that being married to your best friend is what most people dream about, not the constant butterflies in your stomach love that fades as you become real people to each other.
I don't think he is in contact with the Cassie the yogurt whore, or anyone else for that matter. He feels as though he has disappointed his family in an unforgivable way and told me he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself for it and he doesn't think he deserves it. If he is in contact with her, then he is truly a monster and I will pack up my kids and head back home without his permission, because we all deserve someone better than that, but I feel confident that he is NOT that man.
Today hurts. It feels real and its happening. I want to crawl back into my giant sad bed and cry my eyes out, but I have to work and care for my children who do not deserve any of this. That seems to be the theme of this blog... my children do not deserve this.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Day Ninety
My saturday was spent on the couch, in pain, nursing a pinched nerve in my neck that cascaded down my spine and made my fingertips tingle. Terrible. I havent felt like this since I was rear ended 10 years ago... and all I did was do the hokey pokey at the library yesterday!
When I woke up I was unable to get out of bed without help. He was so good, lifted me so gently and winced at my groans of pain. He insisted on taking the kids to his brothers for the day so I could be alone with my bum shoulder and pain. It worked. I sat all day, did nothing productive and wallowed in my dirty house (he is a good nurse, not a good maid). I didnt even care about the messy house... I just felt the horrible pain and watched tons of Bravo, TLC and Lifetime reruns all day. I got all caught up on Project Runway and Millionare Matchmaker!
He came home that night with tons of food from the restaurant he took the kids to for dinner and even yummy desserts. Again, he was sweet and gentle, insisting on doing everything and not seeming bitter at all that his weekend was spent caring for me.
When I woke up I was unable to get out of bed without help. He was so good, lifted me so gently and winced at my groans of pain. He insisted on taking the kids to his brothers for the day so I could be alone with my bum shoulder and pain. It worked. I sat all day, did nothing productive and wallowed in my dirty house (he is a good nurse, not a good maid). I didnt even care about the messy house... I just felt the horrible pain and watched tons of Bravo, TLC and Lifetime reruns all day. I got all caught up on Project Runway and Millionare Matchmaker!
He came home that night with tons of food from the restaurant he took the kids to for dinner and even yummy desserts. Again, he was sweet and gentle, insisting on doing everything and not seeming bitter at all that his weekend was spent caring for me.
Day Eighty Nine
I thought I would be the first on up today, since he had his wild boys night last night, but he shocked me by getting up to work out at his usual time. I guess he really was telling the truth when he said he didnt "really drink much at all." A good start to the day.
We had a wild afternoon planned at the local library, where there was a summer dance party taking place! The kids and I had a blast, until I pulled something in my shoulder that rendered me useless the rest of the day... I hurried home and put the kids down for naps then called him to come home. It was the first time I had ever had to call him to my aide, and he dropped everything and got home as quickly as he could. I have had stomach flus, been pregnant and all sorts of other ailments and have never needed him to leave work, so he knew it was serious. By the time he got home, the kids had just woken up from their naps and were ready adn rarin to go! Of course, we were out of everything in the fridge and had nothing for dinner (the plan was to hit the grocery store on the way home from the library today), so he wrangled the kids and headed to the store while I lay on the couch, alternating heat and ice and in excruciating pain. He was so good to me tonight, very attentive, got my favorite ice cream and even picked up a movie for us to watch. He took care of everythign adn wouldnt allow me to lift a finger. I felt cared for and love. In all that time laying by myself on the couch, I didnt think about the affair once. He cared for me so well that it never even crossed my mind.
We had a wild afternoon planned at the local library, where there was a summer dance party taking place! The kids and I had a blast, until I pulled something in my shoulder that rendered me useless the rest of the day... I hurried home and put the kids down for naps then called him to come home. It was the first time I had ever had to call him to my aide, and he dropped everything and got home as quickly as he could. I have had stomach flus, been pregnant and all sorts of other ailments and have never needed him to leave work, so he knew it was serious. By the time he got home, the kids had just woken up from their naps and were ready adn rarin to go! Of course, we were out of everything in the fridge and had nothing for dinner (the plan was to hit the grocery store on the way home from the library today), so he wrangled the kids and headed to the store while I lay on the couch, alternating heat and ice and in excruciating pain. He was so good to me tonight, very attentive, got my favorite ice cream and even picked up a movie for us to watch. He took care of everythign adn wouldnt allow me to lift a finger. I felt cared for and love. In all that time laying by myself on the couch, I didnt think about the affair once. He cared for me so well that it never even crossed my mind.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day Eighty One
Woke up from another horrible dream... this is starting to become a frequent, and disturbing, trend. In this particular dream my daughter was playing in her first teeball game and I was trying to get a hold of him, but he was avoiding me. I later found out that he was wither her and her son instead of at my daughters baseball game. I know it doesnt sound that bad, but during the dream I was so angry and heartbroken that I woke up feeling like I wanted to punch him and cry at the same time. But, today, I tried to not be as angry with him for it. What has happened since the affair is not directly his fault. I know he had the affair and he did this, but it is now up to me to recover. He cant recover for me.
He was sweet in the morning, knowing I was in "a mood" and trying to snap me out of it. I tried to keep myself busy all day, but while doing dishes or driving or any other mundain stay at home mom task, random thoughts of the affair entered my head. While cleaning his fingernail clippings out of the bathroom sink, I thought "would she be as grossed out about this as I am?" While putting his shoes away, I wondered if she would have picked them up every single day without any resentment. While driving to the store, I was thinking about what kind of groceries she planned to buy him during the life they planned to have together. I dont know how or when it happened, but I have gotten used to it taking over my brain. Sometimes, I realize that its been a while since I thought about it and I actually start to think about it again... as though in this sick way, I missed it. Its so bizarre whats continuing to happen... The horrible affair is becoming a part of me.
It reminds me so much of when I lost my dad seven years ago. The mourning, anger, heartbreak is all so similar, except my dad didnt die on purpose. He didnt chose to die, it chose him. Only someone who has dealt with death AND an affair could understand that sometimes the affair hurts more than the death. I miss my dad more than anything, but I dont have a hatred towards him that I have to deal with like I have with my husband.
He came home from work in a fowl mood... an employee screwed up a huge report and he now has to take on the responsibility of fixing it while tending to his other duties. This is crazy, but its almost like his bad mood cured mine. I saw that he needed me, so I perked up and tried to make his evening better. We cant both be in bad moods, so I took one for the team and showed him the love he needed. In return, he recovered from his mood and we actually had a really great night.
This is all so f***ing crazy!!!!
He was sweet in the morning, knowing I was in "a mood" and trying to snap me out of it. I tried to keep myself busy all day, but while doing dishes or driving or any other mundain stay at home mom task, random thoughts of the affair entered my head. While cleaning his fingernail clippings out of the bathroom sink, I thought "would she be as grossed out about this as I am?" While putting his shoes away, I wondered if she would have picked them up every single day without any resentment. While driving to the store, I was thinking about what kind of groceries she planned to buy him during the life they planned to have together. I dont know how or when it happened, but I have gotten used to it taking over my brain. Sometimes, I realize that its been a while since I thought about it and I actually start to think about it again... as though in this sick way, I missed it. Its so bizarre whats continuing to happen... The horrible affair is becoming a part of me.
It reminds me so much of when I lost my dad seven years ago. The mourning, anger, heartbreak is all so similar, except my dad didnt die on purpose. He didnt chose to die, it chose him. Only someone who has dealt with death AND an affair could understand that sometimes the affair hurts more than the death. I miss my dad more than anything, but I dont have a hatred towards him that I have to deal with like I have with my husband.
He came home from work in a fowl mood... an employee screwed up a huge report and he now has to take on the responsibility of fixing it while tending to his other duties. This is crazy, but its almost like his bad mood cured mine. I saw that he needed me, so I perked up and tried to make his evening better. We cant both be in bad moods, so I took one for the team and showed him the love he needed. In return, he recovered from his mood and we actually had a really great night.
This is all so f***ing crazy!!!!
Day Eighty
Well, its been eighty days of sheer hell... and today feels like it will never end. After the party yesterday, I am tired and feel crazy for having to beg for his attention. I woke up feeling lost and exhausted. How am I going to get through this? For the past eighty days I have asked myself this. Still, no answer.
We spent a nice day together, as a family. As a family. Our FAMILY is stronger than ever, he is all about us and wanting to move forward so badly. We have done so many activities these last few months and my kids have got to feel more loved than ever. Our family is great... its just me that suffers now. I am going to try to suffer in silence, to keep my pain and agony private so he has a chance to heal from what he has done and hopefully that will help me begin to heal. I have never really felt that complete healing is possible for me, but this is worth a shot. I am so tired of feeling this every single day and I dont know that anything will help that. He cant help me now, even if we divorced there really is no help for me. I cant get the images or the thoughts out of my head, but its time to stop forcing him to feel it all with me. That will not get us through this. I keep saying and feeling this, but still I punish him. I cant seem to get it out of my head that I have to stop punishing him and I need to try to trust him. His life is not great right now, I realize that. I look at his phone, email, etc every day looking for proof that he is cheating still. Just waiting to find the next piece of heart wrenching information that sends me back to eighty days ago. He walks on egg shells around me, calling me from work regularly so I know he is at his office. He doesnt even ask to go out for drinks of dinner with friends anymore for fear of a fight. He regularly "talks me off the cliff" when I am feeling sad or angry, and is usually unsuccesful. Its no wonder he doubts our ability to get through this. I would too.
I want so badly to pretend that this never happened. To not have constant thoughts of the relationship they had, the love they thought they shared and the plans they probably made for their future together... the future he thought about that only included me as the recipient of part of his income and their weekend babysitter for romantic excursions. How could he do this to me? How could he turn me into this scared little person? I was once so confident and energetic. I used to be so much better than I am now.
We spent a nice day together, as a family. As a family. Our FAMILY is stronger than ever, he is all about us and wanting to move forward so badly. We have done so many activities these last few months and my kids have got to feel more loved than ever. Our family is great... its just me that suffers now. I am going to try to suffer in silence, to keep my pain and agony private so he has a chance to heal from what he has done and hopefully that will help me begin to heal. I have never really felt that complete healing is possible for me, but this is worth a shot. I am so tired of feeling this every single day and I dont know that anything will help that. He cant help me now, even if we divorced there really is no help for me. I cant get the images or the thoughts out of my head, but its time to stop forcing him to feel it all with me. That will not get us through this. I keep saying and feeling this, but still I punish him. I cant seem to get it out of my head that I have to stop punishing him and I need to try to trust him. His life is not great right now, I realize that. I look at his phone, email, etc every day looking for proof that he is cheating still. Just waiting to find the next piece of heart wrenching information that sends me back to eighty days ago. He walks on egg shells around me, calling me from work regularly so I know he is at his office. He doesnt even ask to go out for drinks of dinner with friends anymore for fear of a fight. He regularly "talks me off the cliff" when I am feeling sad or angry, and is usually unsuccesful. Its no wonder he doubts our ability to get through this. I would too.
I want so badly to pretend that this never happened. To not have constant thoughts of the relationship they had, the love they thought they shared and the plans they probably made for their future together... the future he thought about that only included me as the recipient of part of his income and their weekend babysitter for romantic excursions. How could he do this to me? How could he turn me into this scared little person? I was once so confident and energetic. I used to be so much better than I am now.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Day Sixty Six
A little hungover today, but feeling rather well. Ran some errands with the kids and feeling less doomed. I emailed him pictures of the concert and he responded saying the ones of the two of us were great and he reiterated that he had a great time last night.
My body cant handle rock star partying anymore, but my hangover did bring me a little relief from the feeling of impending doom. Maybe its not as bad as I thought. I feel so crazy. Somedays it just feels like the mountain is too steep to climb and other days I feel like we are doing remarkably well and we will get through this. I read yesterdays post and am now thinking that maybe it was the alcohol and fun that made me so fatalistic about the outcome of this... but why does alcohol and FUN make me think this way? The more we get along the more I think about the horrible lies and deceit and it makes me want to have a good time with someone who would never want to cause me this pain. I have to realize that he didnt WANT the pain for me... he was only thinking of himself. Our therapist told him he has commitment issues, but will those ever go away? Is he worth all of this? Can he ever be what I need?
I am too tired to think about this anymore. I just need a vacation from him and this life he has built for me. I am so tired of feeling so confused all the time.
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