Day Sixty Eight

Woke up alone, he was at the gym.  My daughter crawled into bed with me and went back to sleep so I was unable to really talk to him, for fear of waking her when I left the bed.  There seems to be this great distance between us, one that I put there.  How can I possibly feel guilty?!?!  I didn’t fuck someone else!  I didn’t tell someone else I loved them!  I didn’t lie, sneak around and betray my family yet I feel like I am causing all of this stress on our relationship.  WHY WONT HE TALK TO ME? He is not giving me the silent treatment or anything, but I don’t know what he is going through in this.  Does he miss her?  Does he regret choosing me?  Does he feel bad?   I am so frustrated today I cant stand it.  I went on craigslist and found all of these married men looking for side encounters… so I emailed them all a link to this blog and told them to be real men and divorce their wives, give their wives a chance to find a good man that they deserve!  It was liberating and I fear that I may become addicted to it.  I am no superhero, but I really have this fantasy that ONE of those creeps will read this, see what they are doing and stop.  Is that even possible?  Is it possible to stop the ball once its gets rolling? 

The one positive of today is this:  At least my husband didn’t go looking for skanks on freakin’ craigslist.  Gross.

Later in the afternoon, I received a response from one of the Craigslist cheaters… his ad, titled “Married? Lonely? Need more attention? Me too” stated that he is married to a great woman, but the marriage lacks passion.  He wants someone to want to be sexy for him, to want him and give him the attention he is lacking.  So I emailed him:

“If your wife is so great, then why would you do this to her? Wondering what you might be doing to her? Read my blog http://daysafteraffair.blogspot.com/ to find out how you will destroy her, make her feel worthless and horrible and ruin her ability to trust another human being.

Missing passion? Go on a fucking vacation. Treat her right. Take the time you spend looking for side relationships on Craigslist and show her passion... its a two way street. If that doesnt work, then be a man and divorce her so she can find the man she deserves.”

His response:

"Don't be coming at me all high and mighty with all the answers...you have no idea whats going on...just because you have to whine about your inability to deal and enjoy publicly airing your drama for attention doesn't mean every other female in the world will go on a waaa fest after finding out....

Plus you have a pottymouth...

My wife has no sex drive, it ain't me, never has been. Even if it is me, the situation is what it is..men have needs... You don't treat him right, he strays...looks like you know that first hand...

She is treated right every day, its hormonal - I can throw all the passion in the world her way and she has 0 response, so I AM doing what is right, treating her and the family great and looking for a little help with one basic piece of my nature that is in no way material enough to divorce her for.....

Maybe if you could quit blogging all day and airing your dirty laundry, you could quit focusing on your bullshit and get back to a normal life..."

Well, I couldn’t let that go, so I responded with:

"A little defensive arent we? Well, good luck with your great wife. I hope your children can cope with their relationship issues differently than their father. Do you want your daughter (if you have one, which I hope you dont) to marry a man like you?

As for my whining waaaa fest... go ahead, have your affairs and when your wife finds out, WHEN she finds out, I can guarantee you that she too will find an outlet she enjoys to get through all the heartache you have put her through. My blog is harmless, annonymous and my way of coping with a situation that I did not ask for nor did I do anything to deserve.

You have a lot of room to talk about being public about drama... arent you the one who posted an ad on craigslist for sex, whining about your lack of passion? I'm just sayin'..."

And, lastly, he said:

"Not defensive at all...just don't need to hear any bullshit from some blogger lady...and I'm not whining about a lack of passion, I'm hunting for a supplement...

Speaking of, send some pics, you sound like you could use some good sex, maybe we can work something out :)"

That’s when I decided to call it quits.  No need to continue this conversation any further, but I now know that there are worse husbands to have than mine.

He came home and went straight to the kids, ignored me.  I felt completely nuts about it, so after we put the kids to bed I confronted him about it.  He assured me that he is in “work mode” and really missed the kids today, but was only thinking about work and not anything else.  He even went as far as to forego his plans of working from home tonight to cuddle with me on the couch and never once complained that he would have to leave extra early for work tomorrow to finish what he couldn’t tonight. 

Day Fifty Four

Today, I got a “hows your day?” call, several text messages AND a proposition for a date night!  He suggested taking the kids to playcare and going out to dinner, but didn’t know where.  We decided to take the day to think about it… I quickly scheduled a shower and hair drying session in my day and got to work getting the kids excited about playcare.  A few hours later, I get another call suggesting that we take the kids to the horse races for one last time before the season ended.  I wish he would have wanted to have a date with me more than he wanted to do this, but I was also excited about the races.

The night was good, he seemed a little distant but I knew he was tired.  As we drank a few beers I started to feel crazy and kept asking if he was okay, pouting that he wasn’t really paying any attention to me.  We were picnicking on the grass, the kids were enjoying themselves with other children and he was focusing more on the races and watching the kids than on spending time with me.  While I know this is totally normal for a family outing, it still made me crazy.  On the way home we started talking about it (well, I started talking about it) and he said I needed to move on from it all.  WE needed to move on.  I tried to explain that it was difficult when he was distant and that everytime he seems that way I wonder if hes thinking about her or the affair or some other girl.  He then said to me “I’ve moved on. I only think about it when you bring it up” after I told him I think about it all the time and I cant figure out why he seemed so unscathed by it all.  That sent me into tears, silently crying as my kids fell asleep in the back seat.  Of course, he was his usual self… looking straight ahead and appearing to pretend that I wasn’t there.  It just made me feel more crazy.  What is he thinking?  Why wont he tell me?  I have this picture of him in my head thinking to himself “why wont she just let it go?  Why is she so dramatic?  Jeese… just STOP crying you pathetic idiot!”  I wish I knew what was in his head.

After putting the kids to bed we talked… again.  It seems to be all we do anymore.  Sitting on the couch, him talking a little, me talking a lot and lots of crying (for me).  I broke down, a ball on the floor… “why did you do this to me?” I wept over and over.  He finally got up, came over to me and held me while I cried.  He eased my crazy for a moment and I began to feel so safe while in his arms.  Why doesn’t he understand that I need to be in those arms?  I need him to make me feel safe and warm and loved and he just clams up, unable to move and unable to comfort me until I am on the verge of leaving, then he springs into action. I wish he knew that had he done that hours ago, when I first showed signs of crazy, we could have salvaged the evening.