Day Seventy Six

An early morning text from him read “I am so glad corporate is gone, I can finally get stuff done… like text you how much I love you! J”  It made my day… well, until I started going through the phone records again. 

He was busy all day, more than he thought he would be and it brought on the crazy!  A late afternoon phone call from him sent my crazy into hyper mode and we had it out.  I told him I didn’t believe him that he wasn’t with her still and the more I started talking about my new “realizations” the crazier they sounded to me.  What am I doing?!?!?!  I am nuts and a little embarrassed about it.  I cried, whined and then, in a flash, started apologizing for my behavior.  I must have scared him a little, because when he came home he didn’t really know what to do with me and seemed rather uncomfortable around me.  I simply told him that I was embarrassed and didn’t want to discuss it any further.  He was very much okay with that and we called it a day. 

I can only imagine how crazy I must seem... I guess I should give him credit for sticking this out this long with me.  If he didnt love me, he wouldnt still be putting up with this all so well.  He takes it, just as he took the physical violence on those awful discovery days a few months ago.  He knows he did this and he wants to fix it. 

Day Sixty Nine

He left REALLY early this morning, but was sweet about it. He was a lot quieter than he usually is and made it a point to stop and kiss me several times.  This is what I want.  I want him to do little things like that to show me that I am the one on his mind. 

After a busy day of summer acitivities with the kids, we were all exhausted and had a low key evening at home.  When I am really tired is when I think the most.  My mind seems to overcompensate for my body and has more energy that ever.  I didn’t make anything special for dinner and ignored the fact that my kids needed a bath.  He came home just before bed and offered to put the kids down while I took a nice relaxing shower, which he offered to join me in but I declined.  I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to be near him, but he sensed that and wouldn’t leave me alone.  He stayed near me, paying attention to me, until my crazy left and I allowed him to love me.  I don’t think he realized what had happened, that his attentiveness is what got me out of it.  I contemplated telling him, but he needs to figure it out on his own.  He needs to look deeper into this and make his own realizations… I am so sick of realizing things for everyone all the time.

Day Fifty

Still searching through phone records.  I woke up realizing that he was late to dinner one night, sitting in his car in the parking lot on a “work” call.  I checked the records and, sure enough, it was her.  I was sitting at a f***ing restaurant while our kids were at playcare waiting for him while he finished a conversation with her.

I wish I could delete the old phone records.  They are causing me unnecessary stress and massive anxiety.  I cant stop looking, though.  I can stop filling in the blanks.  I have a spreadsheet set up with every single phone number he has called and who it belongs to.  The numbers that I have not confirmed owners for have notes next to them so, when/if I do figure out who it is, I can call him on it.  I am waiting to catch him in another lie.  That’s what my life has become.  Sitting, waiting for him to cheat on me again.

Day Fourty Three

Spent the whole day in and out of anger and sadness…

While we were in the middle of intense foreplay I looked at him, his eyes closed and his face showing pleasure and my mind went crazy.  I had flashes of the two of them together, then quick flashes of the two of us.  It was like a scene in a movie, where distorted visions quickly appeared on the screen with angry music playing and harsh images… I saw them naked, together and could actually here the moaning and groaning of sexual satisfaction.  I could hear him telling HER how good it felt, how badly he wanted her and, at the same time, I could see myself at home with our children wondering why he had been so distant, working out and wearing more makeup to be more attractive to him, working around the clock to clean, make his favorite meals and do anything I could to reach out to him, to get him back.  I wondered why his eyes were closed right now, was he thinking about her?  Is this what his face looked like when they were together?  Did she satisfy him more?  Had they lied naked on her couch together, her hand on him and his hands in her like we were laying at this moment?  I couldn’t take it anymore and my body pulled away from him without my even controlling it.  “I cant do this!” I screamed, not even knowing how angry and hurt I was feeling until the words left my mouth.  I lay silently against him, he held me and nobody said a word.  I covered my face, to try to prevent my head from seeing these awful images… these were the most realistic I had seen throughout the past 43 days.  I hate him so much some times, but I have never loved anyone more.  It was several minutes before a sound or movement occurred.  “Please, don’t hurt me ever again” I pleaded.  He responded with “Never again, I promise.”  I wish I believed him.   

Day Thirty Seven

In the morning, I felt like I was hit by a truck… As I was getting ready for the day, I thought about the nights he was with her on his business trip to St Louis.  He texted me “good night, I love you” while he was with her.  Even that was a lie.  He didn’t love me, not enough to turn away from her.  Not enough to not sleep with her.  He probably told her he loved her that same night.  He claims he didn’t mean when he said it to her, but he didn’t mean it with me either. As he got ready for work this morning, I watched him dry off with a towel and thought about how she had seen him in that exact same way… nobody else was ever supposed to see him like that.  Nobody else as ever supposed to know the patterns of hair on his chest and see his body in its entirety.  Nobody else was supposed to have their hands on the parts of his body that I stared at.

As the day went on, I forced myself to be more hopeful.  I tried to look forward to our life together rather than back on this awful event.  This worked well enough, I was very productive and even had a decent lunch! 

I just want him with me all the time.  Not because I want to know where he is or what he is doing, but because I need him to comfort me in those moments of realizations.  I want him to love me all day, show me affection and make me feel great about myself.  I want him to tell me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to live without me.  I want him to tell me he’s sorry and that he regrets everything he has done.