Day Fifty

Still searching through phone records.  I woke up realizing that he was late to dinner one night, sitting in his car in the parking lot on a “work” call.  I checked the records and, sure enough, it was her.  I was sitting at a f***ing restaurant while our kids were at playcare waiting for him while he finished a conversation with her.

I wish I could delete the old phone records.  They are causing me unnecessary stress and massive anxiety.  I cant stop looking, though.  I can stop filling in the blanks.  I have a spreadsheet set up with every single phone number he has called and who it belongs to.  The numbers that I have not confirmed owners for have notes next to them so, when/if I do figure out who it is, I can call him on it.  I am waiting to catch him in another lie.  That’s what my life has become.  Sitting, waiting for him to cheat on me again.

Day Eleven

Daddys home.  The day was long and tiring.  I emotionally prepared for his arrival, knowing that I had to pretend to be much more excited than I was (for the kids' sake) yet I actually felt a little excited.  The future is so unclear, he doesn’t even know if he wants to be with me, but at least he is home.  Not with her.  I left for the evening so he could be with the kids and not feel awkward, for them.  I returned to find him asleep on the couch and wanted so badly to curl up next to him. He woke up for a bit and hung out with my sister and I, we were drunk and he enjoyed our silliness.  He went to bed with his phone, which I thought was strange.  No, I am being crazy.  He couldn’t possibly be hiding any more from me.  My sister reassured me that he was probably just a little "gun shy" with it being his first night home.  This whole thing has made me question everything...