Day Eleven

Daddys home.  The day was long and tiring.  I emotionally prepared for his arrival, knowing that I had to pretend to be much more excited than I was (for the kids' sake) yet I actually felt a little excited.  The future is so unclear, he doesn’t even know if he wants to be with me, but at least he is home.  Not with her.  I left for the evening so he could be with the kids and not feel awkward, for them.  I returned to find him asleep on the couch and wanted so badly to curl up next to him. He woke up for a bit and hung out with my sister and I, we were drunk and he enjoyed our silliness.  He went to bed with his phone, which I thought was strange.  No, I am being crazy.  He couldn’t possibly be hiding any more from me.  My sister reassured me that he was probably just a little "gun shy" with it being his first night home.  This whole thing has made me question everything...

Day Seven

My sisters mission in all of this is to get me moving.  Out of the house, out running errands, taking the kids to the park… whatever!  We took a much needed trip to the grocery store, then paid attention to the kids.  I even made it a playgroup with all of my friends and took a picture of our son playing the drums and sent it to him.  He was so thankful for the picture, surprised that I would think to do that.  I did it out of habit.  I was in a fake good place in front of my playgroup friends and believed it for a moment. 

The evening went on like all of the others... put the kids to bed, drink wine and talk about it all.  No new developments, just a new sadness that is slowly taking over my body and my life.  I still cant eat, I have lost about five pounds in seven days, my heart races constantly and I am prone to sudden outbursts of both tears and uncontrollable anger.  He says he hasnt spoken with her, that its over.  He says he loves me, but still doesnt feel "in love" with me and he wants to move past the affair and fall back in love with me. I am hurting over the affair and now over his inability to be in love with me.  Shaking, I finally make it to sleep and dream of being with him at a wedding, then I am unable to find him.  I finally locate him in the bathroom with some girl named Tina (we dont even know a Tina).  I wake up sweating at 3am and cry until 5, when I get up to start the coffee.