Day Seventy Five

Day two of corporate at work, no contact again until they left at 4pm.  He text me that he had gotten a really high score on his audit and was very excited about it!  While he text me, my crazy took over and I was searching through phone records that they said he was in Irving (where she lives) when he should have been at work.  I don’t know how accurate these records are, especially since there were times it said he was in Irving only 4 minutes after he was in Dallas, then he was supposedly back in Dallas a few minutes later.  The ones that concerned me were the ones where there was very little contact with anyone, just missed calls, for extended periods of time stating he was in Irving.  Soooo… in my crazy, I texted him asking if he was still seeing her.  Then sent another begging him to be honest, that I could handle it.  This, of course, got me a phone call and he seemed really shocked, but asked where I got that info.  My biggest fear is not that I caught him cheating, but that I gave up a very valuable source of information that could have one day REALLY caught him.  He swore up and down that it was over, there was no contact and he would try to find me proof that he was in Dallas during those times.  He looked up sent emails, his schedule, everything he could to try to prove it to me.  What really sucks is that all of those emails could have been sent from his laptop anywhere and just because there is a meeting on his schedule, doesn’t mean there actually was.  I have to make the decision to believe him. 

I actually apologized to him for bombarding him with it during this big event and right after such good news.  I realized, even in the midst of my crazy, that I needed to be there for him if I want him there for me.  It’s a two way street… even if he cheated.  I made the decision to work it out and I need to make more attempts to accomplish that, or its never going to work.

Day Sixty Three

Left for Houston today, had a great 4 hour road trip with the family and an even better dinner out.  I surprised him with a cooler of beer, snacks and a game to play to entertain ourselves while the kids slept in the bedroom at the hotel and he was very touched.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new city… I can do this.  I can be with him and love him and we can get through this.  He proved a lot to me this week with his openness about the party and his email communication with her. 

I am feeling positive and able to reconcile today as we end day one of this little trip... I love that there are no memories of her and him and their filthy little romance anywhere in this city.  Houston is going to be all about OUR memories together, nothing to do with the skank.  I am looking forward to tomorrow and, strangely, to the rest of our lives.  Maybe we do need to move out of Dallas and start fresh in a city that has nothing to do with the affair?  Just being in a new place for half of a day has changed my entire outlook! 

Day Sixty One

Today was a busy day for all of us… the kids and I had lots of errands to run and tons of cleaning and things to do around the house and he had a busy work day.  He was great about keeping in touch for most of the day, knowing that she was there and he needed to communicate with me the best he could.  It was somewhat of a relief, but still unnerving since she was in his building.  My long list of things to do helped me to focus on my life rather than his mistake.  It was actually a pretty nice day.

I got a call in the afternoon from my Dr that said that all of my STD test results came back negative, but I needed to return in 3 months for a second HIV test.  That was a relief!

At night, he called me several times from his office to make sure that I knew he was at work and not at the going away party.  He told me that they (his employees and coworkers) had been texting and calling him all night to come to the party and he finally told them that he was having some problems at home and needed to not be social right now, he even went as far as to tell them that the issues were due to “deceit on my part” and they finally let it go.  He came home and told me, that after hearing about all the people from his company that were at the party he was sure she was probably there and he was glad he was home with me.  I let it go at that point.  He was here with me, I didn’t care where that dirty slut was. 

Day Sixty

This is the first day of one of the big events that she will be working at his property.  I was not as nervous as I thought I would be, yet I still felt a little uncomfortable.  While doing some recon for a friends whose husband was invited to the same party as mine (the one with whom the leaving coworker has an inappropriate relationship, possibly an affair), I was searching emails and facebook and went into my crazy a little… but snapped out of it quickly!  I told myself that he wasn’t going to go to the party and believed it. 

He came home earlier than I expected from work and was attentive and loving.  Maybe he is not still seeing her after all.

Day Fifty Six

A horribly hot dallas day… we went swimming, bbqd lunch AND dinner and went out for ice cream after.  We got a lot accomplished while having some good family time.  So far, it looks as though I didn’t ruin the weekend after all, we just had a terrible start.

A friend of mine called whose husband also works for the same company.  There is a going away party for a coworker who just happens to also be friends with the yogurt bitch.  I was going to try to wait and catch him in a lie, but lets face it, my crazy was NOT going to allow that!  I asked about it and he was very open, said he had just received the evite and was going to talk to me about it that night.  A quick search of his phone verified that he had only received the evite thirty minutes ago.  Ok, my crazy is relieved and we went on with the rest of the night.

Day Fourty Three

Spent the whole day in and out of anger and sadness…

While we were in the middle of intense foreplay I looked at him, his eyes closed and his face showing pleasure and my mind went crazy.  I had flashes of the two of them together, then quick flashes of the two of us.  It was like a scene in a movie, where distorted visions quickly appeared on the screen with angry music playing and harsh images… I saw them naked, together and could actually here the moaning and groaning of sexual satisfaction.  I could hear him telling HER how good it felt, how badly he wanted her and, at the same time, I could see myself at home with our children wondering why he had been so distant, working out and wearing more makeup to be more attractive to him, working around the clock to clean, make his favorite meals and do anything I could to reach out to him, to get him back.  I wondered why his eyes were closed right now, was he thinking about her?  Is this what his face looked like when they were together?  Did she satisfy him more?  Had they lied naked on her couch together, her hand on him and his hands in her like we were laying at this moment?  I couldn’t take it anymore and my body pulled away from him without my even controlling it.  “I cant do this!” I screamed, not even knowing how angry and hurt I was feeling until the words left my mouth.  I lay silently against him, he held me and nobody said a word.  I covered my face, to try to prevent my head from seeing these awful images… these were the most realistic I had seen throughout the past 43 days.  I hate him so much some times, but I have never loved anyone more.  It was several minutes before a sound or movement occurred.  “Please, don’t hurt me ever again” I pleaded.  He responded with “Never again, I promise.”  I wish I believed him.   

Day Thirty One

Hatred day.  I am filled with so much hatred for this woman today that I cant concentrate on anything else.  What the hell was she doing??!?!!?  Why him?  Why my family?  I decided to write her a letter…

“Hopefully this is the last communication you will have with any of my family that you nearly destroyed... including MY husband.  That includes all crazy late night phone calls to OUR friends.  You are no longer welcome, not that you ever were by me, in our life.  He does not love you.  He never did.  He got "caught up" in some fantasy life where you were just a silly little insignificant being that screwed up our world.  My world.  My kids world.  You were nothing but "a mistake" (his exact words), his biggest regret in life and something he wishes never happened.  My children will hopefully never learn of this and will be brought up to respect relationships and not turn out like the two of you. Selfish, horrible people who put her own disgusting urges before the kids' well being.  As a mother one would hope that you would be a better person, the person you want your son to marry.  Let’s hope he doesn’t.  I hope he grows up not knowing how horrible you were in this.  What kind of stepmother did you think you would be to my kids?  Do you really think you are fit to influence a little girl?  I have removed myself from people solely because I thought they brought nothing positive to my kids... and they weren’t nearly as despicable as you.

You were just as much a part in this as Mike and I hope you have been honest with your husband about this... Mike seems to think that the two of you should reconcile.  I think you should, too, so you will back off my husband.  You knew we were having problems and you allowed yourself to be a part of them... the biggest part of them.  You snuck around, you betrayed me and you tried to ruin everything.  Mike is working so hard to rebuild our relationship, I only hope that you finally have a little bit of repsect for yourself and for me and my family to STAY AWAY.

I know you went to St Louis... I know about the lost receipts and the dinners and I can only imagine the dirty sex the two of you had.  I know you woke up with MY husband.  I know you had your mouth on MY husbands body.  I know you talked of vacations.  I know as much as I need to know about this and I am sick about it all the time.  He was supposed to only ever be in my body. I was never supposed to get tested for STD's again. I know Mike doesn’t like to use condoms... but I suppose you know that too, now.  I was supposed to be safe and loved and never feel like this.  Mike is paying the price for this, he is living with this everyday.  I truly believe that he loves me, hates how he hurt me and will live with that for the rest of our lives.  He has told me that being with you made him realize how much he loves me...I will not be thankful and I believe that many other less painful things could have brought him to that conclusion. How does it feel to be the one that made him realize that he loves ME?

You didn’t love him, there is no way you could.  You didn’t know him.  You knew a man who was confused, afraid and dishonest.  You knew a man who he never thought he could be.  With you he was a cheater, a liar and a filthy man who snuck around and betrayed his family.  The fact that you feel that you fell in love with a man like that is disturbing and if you hadn’t continued to sneak around (calling him from friends phones, emailing solely on his hotmail account, asking him to remove me from my own cell phone account, etc) after I found the first text message, I might feel a little sorry for you.  I don’t.  I feel hatred and pain and a constant sickness about the kind of person you are.  Its disgusting what you have done, pushing yourself on him even after I found out.  I hope you are embarrassed about your call to John, one that will be a joke to John's wife and I for years to come.  You are now just some crazy bitch who can’t take no for an answer.  Some slutty girl who tried to ruin a family that was in distress and needed help, not a whore to come in and take advantage of a man who was lost.  He is not off the hook here, don’t get me wrong.  He is just as much to blame as you, but he will work the rest of his life showing me how sorry he is and how much he regrets any involvement with you. He has shown remorse, but you... oh, you... you just get off with a little hand slap.  Oh, poor little Cassie... Mike doesnt love her.  Mike fell for her money and her lifestyle, and could care less about her as a person. I want so badly to tell Brad, your mayor mom and your powerful father EVERYTHING about you.  I have tons of proof, too.  TONS.  I wont, though, because I want you to disappear... to fade into a horrible memory.  

I hope this hurts you.  I hope you feel pain, you deserve every last bit of it.  Whatever pain you might feel right now, if you have made it this far into this email, is NOTHING compared to what I have to live with.  Through this I have learned about the truest form of unconditional love, it is what I have with Mike.  You were just an unnecessary and unfortunate condition that brought us closer together, that showed us an unconditional love for each other.

I know you have to see him at the June market and I hope that you are smart enough to stay as far away from him as possible. “

I am not going to send it… yet.  I am trying so hard to show her that we don’t care about her at all, but I want her to feel the pain and embarrassment that I feel.  I want her to imagine he and I passionately making love and feel a sense of loss that she never got that with him.  I want her to cry, to not be able to eat and to be so consumed by this that she questions her ability to be a good parent.  But, for now, I will bite my tongue.  I wont tattle to her family, I will let her live with this secret.  I will let her stew in it and wonder if he ever thinks about her.  I want to go to yelp and write nasty reviews about her yogurt shop, but I won’t.  I just want her gone.  Forever.