Day Twenty Three

Not a horrible day, I actually accomplished quite a bit.  I had a few good meals and even went most of the day without feeling sick.  The evening was a different story, more conversations about the horrible thing he did.  I am constantly playing a timeline back in my head and have concluded that every time I thought he was distant, it was because he didn’t want to be with me.  He preferred her.  He would text on the couch, with his body turned away from me.  It was probably her.  He rarely sat next to me, he never kissed me when he came home from work and seemed hardly interested in sex, turning down my advancements on more than one occasion.  I cant stop berating him with my anger.  I cant stop trying to make him feel horrible, its not even intentional… I just want somebody to hurt as bad as I do. 

We went off to bed and tried to fool around, while his fingers were inside me I wretched.  I couldn’t stop playing back in my head pictures of him in her body.  How did she taste?  What did she do for him?  What did they say in throws of passion?  He stopped and asked if I was ok, I said no.  We lay there for a bit and talked, I tried to push the awful images out of my head but they just kept rushing back.  Finally, we kissed a little, then a lot.  He said “We can just kiss, its ok” and with that, those few words, I felt safe with him for a moment.  I felt aroused at that and we had great sex, close sex, the kind where your bodies are so close that you feel like one person.  But, as soon as we were finished, I wondered if they had ever had that, had they ever made love like that?

Day Twenty One

After an amazing family day at the zoo, then some shopping we came home and the kids and he played in the backyard while I vacuumed the living room.  While moving the vacuum across the floor, I saw it.  His work laptop staring me in the face with his work email open, the only thing I couldn’t access on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to ruin the day, but feared it might be my only chance to catch him in a lie, which is my new hobby. 

I started looking through more emails, sent ones from his work computer.  I found out MORE lies.  She was with him on a business trip at the beginning of March, stayed for three days.  He had a day off on that trip and he was with her.  He told her he loved her.  He made promises of a life with her.  I discovered that the sexual relationship was MUCH longer than two weeks, the original lie.  Its all lies.  I cant do this anymore.  Shaking, I left the house, drove to the grocery store and bought a four pack of small chilled wine bottles, a pack of cigarettes and a cup to pour the wine in then sat in a desolate park and cried.  Once I realized that I was about to start feeling the effects of the wine I returned home and snuck into the backyard to try to figure this all out.  How can he tell me he loves me and bold face lie to me?  How can this all be happening?!?!?!?!?  I understand that what I found was just more intimate details of what I already knew, but he still keeps lying.  I asked if she was in St Louis, he said no.  She was. I asked if they ever went out anywhere, he said no.  They did.  I asked if they spent the night together, he said no.  They did.  He told me that every sexual encounter took place at his work, he lied. So, when I ask if they have talked recently, do I believe him?  How do I get there?  How do I move past this when there are still so many lies out there?

We talked about the information I found, he told me it was pointless to be searching.  Apparently he doesn’t understand that I am not only looking for proof that he is still cheating, I am also looking for proof that he ISNT.  He is sneaky and a liar… I have to make sure I cover all of my bases. He snuck around behind my back for TWO months, lied, had a fucking mini vacation with her and came home to me.  I have no idea what he is capable of and I have to search everything to make sure he is not still doing this.  I am also looking for the truth about my life for those two months where everything was a lie.  When he came home and didnt kiss me its because he wanted to kiss her.  When we had sex he wanted her.  How do I get to a place where I feel that I am the only one he wants?

Day Sixteen

In Washington, feeling overwhelmed and nautious.  How do couples actually get through this?  How do you move past all of the pain?  The pain is so much right now, it feels like the day my father died… a hurt that I knew I couldn’t get rid of, I just had to get used to it.

Another day on the couch with a book.  I haven’t sat this long since my daughter was born four years ago.  I started to think of weekends with the kids… the things I would miss, the activities they would do without me.  I have been a stay home mom since my daughter was 4 months old, I haven’t missed ANYTHING in their lives and now I might have to miss every other weekend and misc nights.  The thought sends my body into a panic and sit at the computer.  I log on to his email account and send a test email to her.  “Hey, How are you doing?”  Part of me hoped she would respond with something to the effect of “Better after seeing you last night” or “thanks for calling me” or something that told me that he really was a monster and I needed to leave.  I sat at the computer, my heart pounding out of my chest and my stomach about to show me last nights taco until I couldnt take it anymore.  I sent a second email, that said “This is Kendall, that last email was a test.  I am going crazy and I don’t know what to do.  I am sorry, I wont bother you again.”  Then I blocked both of her email addresses from the account. 

I prayed hard.   All day.  Please God, let this be the end of it.  Let her go away from us forever and bring me peace and joy again.  Let me get through this.  Bring him back to me, the way he USED to be and let me see him as the man he was before he met her.  Please don’t let him do this to me again.  Let me get through this.  Please dont ever let my kids find out about any of this.