Separation - Day Nineteen

Well, Thanksgiving came and went.  It was a lonely day without him.  My sister came to visit to help me figure my life out and we had a simple Thanksgiving dinner with my children... complete with lots of pie and goodies, yet none of it filled the void that his absence created.  I tried to be in good spirits for my babies, but it was difficult.  I cant believe that he is choosing this, after everything we have been through. I cant imagine how lonely he is feeling... not that I pity him, I just dont understand why he would make a decision that seems so horrible for everyone.  I feel so lost and unsure of everything in my future.

We still haven't told the kids or most of our family members.  He is not certain he wants to tell anyone just yet, which brings me a little hope that he wants to reconcile but its so hard to tell what he wants... he doesn't even know.  I am trying to not be too hopeful for a future together, but I cant help it.  I want to prepare myself for the worse, but I cant help but wish and pray for our family to be together again.  I try to imagine sharing my life with another person, but it seems so impossible.  I am so tired and anxious and sad and angry and lonely.  I just want to feel normal again.  I suppose if you truly love someone, you wouldn't put them through this shit.  Maybe he just doesn't love me.  Why cant I just believe that and move on?

Day Fifty Nine

I had a fun activity planned for the kids today that took place near his office, so he asked us to come by for lunch.  I almost obliged, but logistically it wasn’t going to work with our activity so I declined.  He got points for asking though. J

Later in the afternoon, after I exhausted the kids and drove home in terrible traffic with a screaming headache, I came home and rested for a few moments before preparing for dinner, etc. We had a lot of nice conversation during dinner.  After dinner, he asked if he could attend his coworkers going away party this weekend, had thought about it enough to offer up the evite list to show that the yogurt slut wasn’t invited and even promised to leave if she showed up.  Wow.  Thanks.  Apparently he still doesn’t understand that his promises don’t mean anything to me.  In return, I offered up her facebook page which clearly showed a friendship between her and the coworker… a conversation about getting drinks soon had taken place in the last week.  He seemed so convinced that she wasn’t going to be there that my crazy took over and, in my head, I was sure that they were planning a secret rendezvous.  He noticed that look in my eyes and asked if I wanted to go with him to the party.  Yeah, that’s just how I wanted to spend my Friday night… looking over my shoulder for a skanky girl who fucked my husband to walk through the door.  How can he even ask me that?  Why wont he drop it?  I finally told him that I am not his mother and he can make whatever choices he would like, but I was done having this conversation. 

What really tears me up is that we had been having a really nice night before that.  All that for a stupid party for a coworker that I didn’t even like and that I was pretty sure had had an affair with one of the other managers!  He knew I disliked her, he knew I was uncomfortable with their relationship years ago and he knew I was uncomfortable with ANY work outing, yet he still pushed it. 

He did redeem himself slightly by apologizing for bringing it up and saying that he didn’t mean to upset me.  Too late.  I’m pissed.

Day Fifty Three

Fun day today!  I went to my gynecologist to get my annual exam and STD/HIV testing.  Woo hoo.  I had to sign all these forms about HIV testing, endure the questions… “Still married?” “Yes” “Still monogamous?” “No.” Of course I had to offer an explanation, there was no way in hell I was going to let anyone think I was the one who cheated. Then there were the questions on my health, I need to eat more and start taking a vitamin.  She wanted a full work up of my blood and insisted that I return next week to weigh in (to make sure I don’t lose anymore weight) and get the results of the HIV test.  Awesome.  I had to make an appt with the front desk clerk to get my HIV results.  Sweet.

All of this just made me relive that first, horrible day.  Luckily, he was warm and sweet and caring when he came home that night.  We hardly mentioned what I had gone through that day, it was pointless to do so since the entire thing made us both uncomfortable and there was no changing it.  He did this, I am living with the repercussions of it.  Today I knew that he felt bad about it, somewhere in his unemotional, unfeeling self he felt like an asshole.

Day Forty Two

More lovely information today.  While perusing his personal email account, I discovered that, about three weeks into their relationship (two weeks after they had sex), she had bought him a plane ticket to come home from a business trip a day early.  I picked him up from the airport the day after, thinking he had just stepped off of a plane… instead he had just stepped out of her bed, into her car and kissed her goodbye before coming home to me.  What kind of man does this?!!?!  I then started incessantly searching for more info, but found very little.  I called him, he confessed to it and, annoyed, asked why this was all so important for me to know.  He just doesn’t get it, but can I really expect him to? 

Later that day, as though the earlier information was not enough to send me into near-hysteria, I mentioned to my kids that we would be going to Chick Fil A for a fundraiser this week.  My daughter responded with “I had fun with daddys friend and her baby boy at Chick Fil A last time.”  What the FUCK?!?!?!?!  Daddys “friend?”  I was furious.  Before calling him about it, I checked the bank account, scrolled through several months until found a charge at the Chick Fil A near her business the day after I picked him from the airport when he supposedly had just returned from a trip, not a charge at ANY of the three between our house and there.  Holy Shit.  I text him with what my daughter said and he said “There were lots of moms and kids there, that ones a little out there.”  Lie.  I texted back with my newfound bank information and he never responded.  Called me when he was on his way home and we had it out.  How dare he do this to my kids?!?!  What kind of father is he?  He claimed they only sat near eachother and there was no interaction between her and the kids, which is bullshit.  He said he never wanted the kids to be involved, but he dragged them into it! They had a fucking playdate together while I was at a volunteer meeting singing his praises for taking the kids instead of my having to deal with them at the meeting.  I called after the meeting and offered to meet him at Chick Fil A (assuming it was the one five minutes from our house) and he declined, wanted to meet me at another restaurant for lunch.  He took a while to get there and I hadn’t thought anything of it. 

Again, I am sick with images… these ones are worse.  Images of her talking to my kids, seeing him as a father, and watching them all interact.  Him playing with her son, her playing with  my kids all the while I am oblivious.  She was probably sitting there when I called, which is why he was so distant.  What did he say to her when we hung up?  “My horrible wife wants me to come home… sorry.”  Did he tell her that when he told me he loved me, it was a lie?  Sick.  Absolutely sick.

As we lay in bed, he seemed upset.  He admitted how terrible he felt that our four year old remembered that and brought it up.  He never wanted them involved, he thought it was harmless.  Harmless is not a word that can be used to describe ANY of this.

Day Twenty Five

A new day of realizations… I reach for a cup out of the cabinet and grab the one he brought me from the zoo as my “souvenir” from his trip to St Louis, the trip to the zoo he took with her.  How can this man stand to hand me a cup from the zoo trip with HER?!?!  I also realize that when he took MY son to her yogurt shop, they had already been sleeping together.  He brought an innocent child into his dirty, disgusting relationship.  MY innocent child.  OUR child.

I cant stop being angry and hurt.  I cant stand the sight of him at times, but I don’t want him out of my sight.  I can no longer control anything and I feel lost and worthless.  My body is depleted, I have lost  over 10 lbs on my already small frame in the last 25 days and I lack energy and motivation.  I am officially “unhealthy” in terms of my weight and I cant even imagine eating enough to bring myself back to the 117 pounds I am regularly. How do I do this?  Today is a whole new day of pain and frustration.  I don’t know how to go on living with this, I don’t know how to forget and I definitely don’t know how to forgive.

The afternoon took a positive turn… I decided NOT to berate him with my newfound realizations, but just try to work them out in my head.  Who he is today is not the same man he was when this was happening, he was withdrawn during their entire relationship and was “caught up” in all of it.  It wasn’t a reality to him, it was a fantasy life with a rich girl whose life he was attracted to more than her.  I just wish he hadn’t taken it all as far as he did.  No matter how filthy this girl is, he should have been up front with her.  He should never have told her he loved her and should never have allowed any of this to happen, no matter how strong her advances where.  She definitely deserves some pain in this, but not the way it happened.  I have been a girl who loved someone, only to have them leave for someone else and had that man drug it out the way he did, I would have been even more destroyed.  But, I did not bring it on myself like she did.  I did not ask a married man to leave his family. 

After a nice day of playful texts back and forth, he called me to say goodnight.  About three minutes into the conversation I became cold and distant and he called me on it.  I don’t even know what happened, the sound of his voice made all the feelings and realizations start running through my brain.  I attacked him with it all… and he was not happy.  He said he had been excited to talk to me, then wanted off the phone because he was tired of talking about it.  He’s right.  I hate to admit it but he is.  If we are going to get through this, I need to let go of my anger and stop attacking him.  I need to allow him the chance to forgive himself for what he has done, and that cannot be accomplished by my constant badgering.  How do I do that?  How do I let go?  I wish I knew what he had to do to help make it happen because, regardless of what has happened, I do not want to punish him any longer.

Day Twenty One

After an amazing family day at the zoo, then some shopping we came home and the kids and he played in the backyard while I vacuumed the living room.  While moving the vacuum across the floor, I saw it.  His work laptop staring me in the face with his work email open, the only thing I couldn’t access on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to ruin the day, but feared it might be my only chance to catch him in a lie, which is my new hobby. 

I started looking through more emails, sent ones from his work computer.  I found out MORE lies.  She was with him on a business trip at the beginning of March, stayed for three days.  He had a day off on that trip and he was with her.  He told her he loved her.  He made promises of a life with her.  I discovered that the sexual relationship was MUCH longer than two weeks, the original lie.  Its all lies.  I cant do this anymore.  Shaking, I left the house, drove to the grocery store and bought a four pack of small chilled wine bottles, a pack of cigarettes and a cup to pour the wine in then sat in a desolate park and cried.  Once I realized that I was about to start feeling the effects of the wine I returned home and snuck into the backyard to try to figure this all out.  How can he tell me he loves me and bold face lie to me?  How can this all be happening?!?!?!?!?  I understand that what I found was just more intimate details of what I already knew, but he still keeps lying.  I asked if she was in St Louis, he said no.  She was. I asked if they ever went out anywhere, he said no.  They did.  I asked if they spent the night together, he said no.  They did.  He told me that every sexual encounter took place at his work, he lied. So, when I ask if they have talked recently, do I believe him?  How do I get there?  How do I move past this when there are still so many lies out there?

We talked about the information I found, he told me it was pointless to be searching.  Apparently he doesn’t understand that I am not only looking for proof that he is still cheating, I am also looking for proof that he ISNT.  He is sneaky and a liar… I have to make sure I cover all of my bases. He snuck around behind my back for TWO months, lied, had a fucking mini vacation with her and came home to me.  I have no idea what he is capable of and I have to search everything to make sure he is not still doing this.  I am also looking for the truth about my life for those two months where everything was a lie.  When he came home and didnt kiss me its because he wanted to kiss her.  When we had sex he wanted her.  How do I get to a place where I feel that I am the only one he wants?

Day Fifteen

Arriving home to Washington where I belong.  Among my people, my sister, my friends.  I am broken hearted and I am going home for five days to heal.  The promise land.

This is my first trip without my kids, only my sister and two good friends know I am coming.  I have never thought I would go home and not tell my own mother I was there, but I couldnt.  I couldnt tell her about this yet, nor my other sister or other friends. 

He dropped me off at the airport this morning and begged me not go, wanted me to stay but I couldn’t stand the look of his face, the smell of his body or the sound of his voice.  He wants to work it out, he wants to be with me and he wants to get started today.  Little does he know that he is the last person I want to be with, I cant bring myself to tell him for fear that he will run back to her.  She wants him and I don’t, but I don’t NOT want him either, so for now I tell lies right back to him.  He held me so close at the airport, gave me what I have wanted for months and I just wanted out of those lying, cheating arms. 

 I floated through the airport.  I knew what I looked like… exhausted, barely awake and looking like I was traveling for a funeral.  I boarded the plane and was relieved that the middle seat was empty, until the chatty lady in the window seat starting asking me questions… where are you going?  Why?  I put on half of a smile and pretended it was a girls getaway from my kids and husband… then quickly buried my nose in a book. 

Once I arrived in Washington, I got settled at a friends house and she returned to work, leaving me completely alone for the first time since this all happened.  I parked myself on the couch and cried for about an hour, then took a hot shower and tried to get back into my book.  Dinner time arrived and everyone was coddling me… “eat something,” “you’ll feel better tomorrow,” “you are strong, you can get through this.”  It took everything in me to smile and eat a taco from the best restaurant in town.  My favorite food from Washington and I couldn’t even stomach it.  One more thing he took away from me.

He called and texted me all day... "I love you", "I miss you already," "please come home." Every message burned through my soul and sent me spiraling into all kinds of emotion.  Anger, fear, sadness, lonliness, mistrust.... no happiness, no relief.  Why wont he just leave me alone?