Separation - Day Nineteen

Well, Thanksgiving came and went.  It was a lonely day without him.  My sister came to visit to help me figure my life out and we had a simple Thanksgiving dinner with my children... complete with lots of pie and goodies, yet none of it filled the void that his absence created.  I tried to be in good spirits for my babies, but it was difficult.  I cant believe that he is choosing this, after everything we have been through. I cant imagine how lonely he is feeling... not that I pity him, I just dont understand why he would make a decision that seems so horrible for everyone.  I feel so lost and unsure of everything in my future.

We still haven't told the kids or most of our family members.  He is not certain he wants to tell anyone just yet, which brings me a little hope that he wants to reconcile but its so hard to tell what he wants... he doesn't even know.  I am trying to not be too hopeful for a future together, but I cant help it.  I want to prepare myself for the worse, but I cant help but wish and pray for our family to be together again.  I try to imagine sharing my life with another person, but it seems so impossible.  I am so tired and anxious and sad and angry and lonely.  I just want to feel normal again.  I suppose if you truly love someone, you wouldn't put them through this shit.  Maybe he just doesn't love me.  Why cant I just believe that and move on?