Day Fifty Five

Started the day by sleeping in for the first time in four years… it was amazing.  He went for a run and I made the kids pancakes, excited about the extra day off he had taken.  We had plans, projects to do and lots of time to do them in.  The morning was great.  As we prepared to return our long overdue items to the library, he sent me hunting through his laptop bag to find the missing movie… that’s when I found a receipt for a book she purchased him (dated over two months ago) and a CD title Disc 2 that was filled with songs that we hadn’t downloaded.  I asked about the CD, as non-attacking as I could.  “This CD was floating around in your bag… is it important?  Its going to get ruined” “No, its fine” with a worried look on his face.  “What is it?” I asked.  “Just a CD with songs on it.” Liar.  He knew the question I was asking and he is still trying to cover shit up.  I was furious, broke the CD and we got into a huge fight.  He doesn’t understand the term FULL TRANPSARENCY.  He is trying to protect himself, not me.  His first instinct is to lie, to cover something up.  How can I ever trust him again when he cant even be honest about a stupid CD?!?!?!  Its not just the CD, it’s the fact that I had asked a few weeks ago if there had ever been any gifts between them and had she ever bought him anything.  He said no.  There were 2 CD’s and a book that I knew of now.  He doesn’t know how to fess up to anything.  He can be such a coward.

As the fight went on, I realized that there was no going back.  He said it and I felt it… The weekend was ruined.  He would rather be at work than at home defending every action, being attacked and punished.  He was right.  Moving on was going forward, not staying in one spot dissecting every moment of a past painful mistake.   I decided to shove as much of it into the back of my mind as possible and try to go on with the weekend.  This could be our last weekend together for a while, as his job is getting into its busy season, and I want it to be great.

We did a little shopping, had a nice lunch then came home and had a lovely dinner that he prepared on the bbq.  It was a nice day, once we recovered from the morning.  I can do this.

Day Forty Two

More lovely information today.  While perusing his personal email account, I discovered that, about three weeks into their relationship (two weeks after they had sex), she had bought him a plane ticket to come home from a business trip a day early.  I picked him up from the airport the day after, thinking he had just stepped off of a plane… instead he had just stepped out of her bed, into her car and kissed her goodbye before coming home to me.  What kind of man does this?!!?!  I then started incessantly searching for more info, but found very little.  I called him, he confessed to it and, annoyed, asked why this was all so important for me to know.  He just doesn’t get it, but can I really expect him to? 

Later that day, as though the earlier information was not enough to send me into near-hysteria, I mentioned to my kids that we would be going to Chick Fil A for a fundraiser this week.  My daughter responded with “I had fun with daddys friend and her baby boy at Chick Fil A last time.”  What the FUCK?!?!?!?!  Daddys “friend?”  I was furious.  Before calling him about it, I checked the bank account, scrolled through several months until found a charge at the Chick Fil A near her business the day after I picked him from the airport when he supposedly had just returned from a trip, not a charge at ANY of the three between our house and there.  Holy Shit.  I text him with what my daughter said and he said “There were lots of moms and kids there, that ones a little out there.”  Lie.  I texted back with my newfound bank information and he never responded.  Called me when he was on his way home and we had it out.  How dare he do this to my kids?!?!  What kind of father is he?  He claimed they only sat near eachother and there was no interaction between her and the kids, which is bullshit.  He said he never wanted the kids to be involved, but he dragged them into it! They had a fucking playdate together while I was at a volunteer meeting singing his praises for taking the kids instead of my having to deal with them at the meeting.  I called after the meeting and offered to meet him at Chick Fil A (assuming it was the one five minutes from our house) and he declined, wanted to meet me at another restaurant for lunch.  He took a while to get there and I hadn’t thought anything of it. 

Again, I am sick with images… these ones are worse.  Images of her talking to my kids, seeing him as a father, and watching them all interact.  Him playing with her son, her playing with  my kids all the while I am oblivious.  She was probably sitting there when I called, which is why he was so distant.  What did he say to her when we hung up?  “My horrible wife wants me to come home… sorry.”  Did he tell her that when he told me he loved me, it was a lie?  Sick.  Absolutely sick.

As we lay in bed, he seemed upset.  He admitted how terrible he felt that our four year old remembered that and brought it up.  He never wanted them involved, he thought it was harmless.  Harmless is not a word that can be used to describe ANY of this.

Day Nineteen

Its time to go home.  Back to him, back to our home, our life, our children.  My flight is horrendous, more turbulence than I have ever experienced, which is definitely ironic, since the life I was returning to was going to be much worse.

I walked into my house, which had been adequately cleaned and all preparations for the following days family dinner had been taken care of, and I felt strange.  A stranger.  I didn’t really feel like I belonged there.  I wanted to get right back on a plane and go home to Washington, where I belong.  Then I considered my two babies, peacefully sleeping and excited about mommy coming home… THIS is where I need to be.  We went to bed and he held me so tight, the whole night.  I wanted to feel safe with him, to feel loved.  I searched and searched for those feelings until the melatonin pill that I have used for sleeping kicked in and I fell asleep in his arms.

Day Fifteen

Arriving home to Washington where I belong.  Among my people, my sister, my friends.  I am broken hearted and I am going home for five days to heal.  The promise land.

This is my first trip without my kids, only my sister and two good friends know I am coming.  I have never thought I would go home and not tell my own mother I was there, but I couldnt.  I couldnt tell her about this yet, nor my other sister or other friends. 

He dropped me off at the airport this morning and begged me not go, wanted me to stay but I couldn’t stand the look of his face, the smell of his body or the sound of his voice.  He wants to work it out, he wants to be with me and he wants to get started today.  Little does he know that he is the last person I want to be with, I cant bring myself to tell him for fear that he will run back to her.  She wants him and I don’t, but I don’t NOT want him either, so for now I tell lies right back to him.  He held me so close at the airport, gave me what I have wanted for months and I just wanted out of those lying, cheating arms. 

 I floated through the airport.  I knew what I looked like… exhausted, barely awake and looking like I was traveling for a funeral.  I boarded the plane and was relieved that the middle seat was empty, until the chatty lady in the window seat starting asking me questions… where are you going?  Why?  I put on half of a smile and pretended it was a girls getaway from my kids and husband… then quickly buried my nose in a book. 

Once I arrived in Washington, I got settled at a friends house and she returned to work, leaving me completely alone for the first time since this all happened.  I parked myself on the couch and cried for about an hour, then took a hot shower and tried to get back into my book.  Dinner time arrived and everyone was coddling me… “eat something,” “you’ll feel better tomorrow,” “you are strong, you can get through this.”  It took everything in me to smile and eat a taco from the best restaurant in town.  My favorite food from Washington and I couldn’t even stomach it.  One more thing he took away from me.

He called and texted me all day... "I love you", "I miss you already," "please come home." Every message burned through my soul and sent me spiraling into all kinds of emotion.  Anger, fear, sadness, lonliness, mistrust.... no happiness, no relief.  Why wont he just leave me alone?

Day Fourteen

Today blew up bigger than any other day.  I had a terrible feeling that he was still lying, especially after I confronted him about his phone being locked.  I kept thinking about it, what is he hiding?  Well, I found out.  I asked for his email password and found it.  MORE emails.  More lies.  He told her he loved her the morning before we had sex (Day 9).  He saw her on Saturday, instead of being at work but was texting me and brought me dinner that night.  She thinks they are going to be together.  She asked him to move up his counseling appt, because he probably told her that he was going to leave me.  Then, he finally tells me everything I have wanted all along… He IS in love with me, he wants to be with me, he will do anything for me, he doesn’t love her.  He chose me.  The problem is that I don’t even know if I want him anymore. So, I called her.  She answered and I professionally introduced myself and asked questions… did she love him?  Did she want to be with him?  Did she know we had sex that weekend?  How did she feel about him coming home to have sex with me?  I then informed her that he loved me, only me and that she meant nothing to him.  I told her that he was standing in front of me and not even trying to get the phone out of my hand while I belittled and insulted her.  How did that make her feel?  “He doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t watch me do this to you” She said nothing.  I asked what kind of mother she was to her own child that she would allow my children to go through this?  To try to take away my kids’ father from them?  She said nothing, so I told her she had been no help and hung up.  We then had a full on domestic violence situation… I wailed on him.  I bruised many parts of my body by constantly beating on him, I wanted him to hurt.  I couldn’t even cry.  That’s the scariest part.  He chased me around the house trying to pry the laptop out of my hands, trying to hide MORE from me.  After a long battle for the laptop, one that ended with my daughter waking up and me telling him to be a good father and get her, I locked myself in my car in the garage and read.  I found more emails, more information about this so called “two week fling.”  It was so much more than that.  So much more.  He has been to her house.  He called her “my love” after I found the initial amazing sex text message.  I left the car, laptop in tow, and ran at him like a crazy person.  More rage, more violence and more lies.  This is not a person that I ever thought I could be.  He just sat there and took it, covered his face when he needed to but never once lifted a hand to hit me back or even stop me.

Things settled down.  I ran for my pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine and went to the back porch.  Luckily my kids slept through it all and did not have to witness what I had witnessed as a child.

 He sat there, scared.  Not of me, but of losing me.  Or maybe of getting caught in more lies.  He informed me that she comes from an incredibly wealthy family and he was more attracted to her life than her as a person.  While I hate her more than anything for allowing this to happen and trying to take a man away from his family, I hate him even more for being attracted to her money.  This girl thought he loved her, she felt good about it and had hopes for their future, but it was all about money.  I come from a mobile home in Washington, my mother is a teacher and my dead father was a small business owner… a small business with a very small income.  Is he ashamed of my family?!?!  My family that has loved him and accepted him, even though he knocked me up a few months into our relationship.  My family has been more to him than his family has ever been to me.  They love him as much as they love our blood relatives and are happy to do whatever they can to see us regularly and help out where needed. Why is that not enough for him?  No, my mom is not a mayor, my dad could never be found on forbes.com and instead of a 7000 sq ft home with three pools, they modestly live in 1800 sq ft with an above ground pool.  Money?!?!!  THAT was the motivator?!?!  He said he could see a better future for our kids in that family… what would that family do better with my daughter than they did with theirs?  She is a little slut who f****d a married man and thought nothing of it.  She is dirty and broken.  How would they influence my son?  To spend all of his time building an empire and working, not spending any time with his family?  When things get tough with whatever lucky woman he marries, just go have an affair instead of being a REAL man and facing your problems head on?  My kids deserve better than all of that.

After a long conversation that was filled with lies, I made him call her to end it and I was going to watch the whole thing.  Unfortunately, I let him off the hook by inadvertently breaking up with her for him because she hung up on him both times he called.  He then began begging me not to go on my trip the next day.  What?  And stay here?  No way in hell.

I am feeling more alone, scared and broken than I ever have.  This whole time, the last 14 days, he has been talking to her.  He saw her on Day 12 before he came home to ME.  He lied.  He continued to f***ing lie to me.  I leave for Washington tomorrow and am so afraid I am not going to want to be with him.  I am afraid that his lies have been too much for my little heart to overcome. 

Day Twelve

Today my sister, my rock, leaves.  I have to do this without her wisdom and guidance and I am afraid.  Twelve days ago he shattered my soul and I now I have to be around him, alone in our home, for the first time since.  He works tonight, then he takes the kids tomorrow to see his brother while I get ready for my trip home to Washington on Tuesday.  I took my sister to the airport and returned exhausted, not ready to do this alone.  He surprised me with how attentive he was, offered to bring me dinner on his way home from work, picked up beer and cuddled with me on the couch.  He seemed different, in a good way. Less withdrawn and more present.  I asked him to come to bed with me, instead of staying in the spare room and he declined. I asked him to “tuck me in” and he said he would but never showed. Again, his phone was with him all day and I have a feeling in my gut that says that this is weird, but I have to at least try to believe him when he says he isn’t doing anything wrong.